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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH's family aaargh!

11 replies

Neetsmassi · 11/11/2003 16:51

Once again we have been to see DH's sister and her DH and once again at least one of them cannot stop making snide comments about DD. My niece is six months older than DD, as they are now 3.5 and 4 there is little difference developmentally. However my daughter is very outgoing and will speak and talk to all children and adults and is generally assertive. Firstly my SIL used to make comments about how bossy she is (she is not - if anything thing their daughter is bossy and gets in a strop whenever she doesn't get her own way). This now seems to have stopped but her husband has now taken up the thread - the last three or four times we've seen them he has made some comment (ie criticism) about how confident she is and how she is forward and this weekend told me she was ballsy. As we were at their house I decided to let it lie and not make a fuss - but I am furious - they mollycoddle their daughter ( which is their right to do) but if the girls are playing and there is any sort of disagreement they always intervene and give their daughter what she wants - this weekend another child was told that she couldn't play with one of the toys as "*** is tired and doesn't want to do sharing". In the past I have overheard him ask his daughter to let my daighter play with something as she had it first - his daughter whinges so he says "right if you can't play nicely together neither of you can have it" and yet when it is my daughter's turn she is always told (by them!) that she should share. As I would expect everyone to ask their children to share it is difficult for me to say anything at this point. We are going to see them at Christmas and I am dreading it - my DH of course is oblivious to all this and can't even see any of it. GRRRRRRRRRR. Had to get it out of my system as it's giving me stomach ache. Thanks for listening - sorry it is so long!

OP posts:
Twinkie · 11/11/2003 16:55

Message withdrawn

Neetsmassi · 11/11/2003 17:01

Thanks Twinkie - I know I am doing the right thing by teaching my dd to share and it's nice to hear that from you. They have always been very competitive as far as the children are concerned and as my DD is the younger it seems to irk them that she isn't a baby that just sits there doing what her cousin tells her to. I don't want to fall out with anyone as at the end of the day they are family and the girls do love playing together - just means that I have to be vigilant and make sure that DD is not left with them as they are a bit more careful when there are other adults around

OP posts:
crystaltips · 11/11/2003 17:04

Sounds very familiar !! We all parent our kids slightly differently don't we ... of course I know that my way is the best

I have friends and family whose, IMO, parenting skills leave a lot to be desired. They pander to tantrums and entertain antisocial behaviour.
Remember that your DD will grow up to be a well rounded individual and who will have respect for other peoples feelings. I'll stand her in good stead in the long run.

Your neice, on the other hand, it likely not to have this luxury as ( it seems ) she has not been brought up to consider others.
Boy it's annoying though when children are treated differently and your darling ones always to bear the brunt of it.

Neetsmassi · 11/11/2003 17:07

You've hit the nail on head Crystaltips - it is heartbreaking to watch my DD treated in this way and infuriating that they treat the children differently. Thanks for your support

OP posts:
naayie · 11/11/2003 17:08

your dd sounds great, really bright and confident, i agree i bet they are just jealous, christmas is always difficult, who to spend it with etc, i don't get on with my sisters other half he either sticks up for his son and is mean to mine or he is really over strict with disiplining my nephew, i dread spending it with them but the boys love it and seem oblivious to it.

crystaltips · 11/11/2003 17:27

Don't know how you feel about this .... but my view is treat kids with respect and they'll ( usually ) appreciate your honesty ?!

I had the same situation with my kids ... being treated differently by one of my friends ( call her X )

When we had a quiet moment ( before X and her DD came to play ) I sat the kids down and explained that in comparison to X I must seem a very strict mummy. But my view was that not sharing can be hurtful and imagine how they would feel. I explained that I was strict so that X's DDs feelings ( or any other kids for that matter ) didn't get hurt.
I acknowleged the "unfairness" of it all - but stated this happens sometimes. I wanted to maintin my consistency - so that they had no need to second guess me depending on the situation... and said that X's DD must be rather muddled by all these mixed messages.

I know that this sounds very P.C. but believe me I put it into kid language and they seemed to understand

I am afraid that I then let all my morals out the window and said that I know that this unequal treatment is wrong and unfair ... but if they accepted it and got on with it ... I would reward them at the end of the afternoon

Neetsmassi · 11/11/2003 18:05

Fantastic Crstaltips - you retain the high moral ground and your kids get a treat - sounds like a winner all round - by the way how old are your kids - would my DD understand?

OP posts:
codswallop · 11/11/2003 18:08

VCant you just let them sort it out themselves?

crystaltips · 11/11/2003 18:17

I think that if kids are old enough to be told off ( and we expect them to understand ) then surely they should understand kinder words.

Just be very careful EXACTLY how you say it to your kids though .... I got my fingers burnt once, when my honesty went too far and I heard my DS shout at an "offending" playmate ..." Well anyway, my mum says that you are spoilt rotten anyway " ooops exit me ... rather redfaced !!

coddy - I would definitely let them sort it out ( and would prefer it that way ) but often the problem is the other kids parents butting in and upsetting the balance ... which IF I read it right is the situation with Neetsmassi ??

Neetsmassi · 11/11/2003 19:29

You're right Crystaltips - I would be happy to leave them to sort it out but one whimper and they swoop in ready to do (verbal) damage to the other child.

Thanks for all your support everyone - off to do bedtime story.

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codswallop · 11/11/2003 19:30

I have a friends son who is a real tale teller - I tell them if they cnat sort it out then they all go home.

If they are really upset I will hear the howls and then thats it - home

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