Fuck..I'm pregnant and feel like I'm in suspended animation

[Jakeyesq]

Me and my sort of boyfriend have been on and off since we were 14. But would just fall out of having a relationship then a few months later fall back into a relationship. we both took a year out before uni and spent half of it travelling together.
We went to unis about 4 hrs apart and would go and see each other and would be back home during holidays at same time. We always had the mutually assumed understanding that when we were together we were 'together' and when we were apart no longer in a relationship ( should point out we both didn't have even semi serious relationships when we weren't together)

I graduated this summer. And got a job in a city halfway between my old uni and his (purely incidental it is a very major city) Got myself a flat and generally started setting up a proper post uni life for myself.
He is still at uni (4 year course) but last term took to being at mine a lot. And we have (as we do) fallen into a relationship with each other.
We ALWAYS use protection. But nothing is 100%.

It is still very early days and both still in shock.

The 2 if us have always been a constant and I will admit to thinking that once we were both finished uni we would be properly together. It has always been that even when we aren't together we were very good friends (we have been good friends since we were about 8.)

He has a very hard hard year ahead (it is a career uni course not just a subject course if that makes sense) and 2 hrs away. And is still a full time student. We don't live together. I don't even know if this is our actual go at our relationship or just an on time (either from his pov or mine)
I have just started on the rigs of my career - enjoying starting out, living by myself and basically starting to actually live my life. (we are both 22/23).

I'm just a bit shocked and feel like i'm in suspended animation with it all.

Honestly? Are you certain that you want to progress with the pregnancy you don't really indicate in your op?

I don't really know - i'm just in shock with it and haven't really thought properly about it - just keep going in circles

You need to talk it through and not make any rushed decisions. Shock is obiously your first reaction, but of course you need to make the right decision for you. Having a baby does not stop you from working ever again nor does it prevent you having a career. It just puts it on hold for a while. x

What I read from your post is that you want him to say 'Yes this is it, let's be together and keep it'. But is that likely? He like you has worked hard to get where he is now. You have just started enjoying life. Yes people become young parents but did you ever think that would be part of your life?

You and he have known each other for so long and weathered lots of changes, you can get through this whatever you decide to do. Have you told him?

It sounds like you could manage to bring a child up together or not as it seems you have a very strong relationship, whether that be friends or lovers or both. x

It might help to imagine your life in 10 years in each of these scenarios:

You keep the baby and stay together
You keep the baby but aren't together any more
You don't keep the baby

How does your life look in terms of emotional, financial stability? What are the good things in your life? What sacrifices have you made to get these good things? How happy would you be with the choice you made?

Yes you need to sit down together and decide what;s best for everyone. you're still so young and at the beginning of your career. I had a termination at the age of 22 years and I don't honestly regret it. I wasn't in the right place to support, fund and look after a baby. I went on to have 3 beautiful babies but in the right environment and at the right time. x

Yes told him - we did test together. We are both still in shock mode and haven't got into properly thinking it though.
If we did progress- Fiancially we could manage (he would have graduated the summer before birth) from bank of me.
Support wise his family would be great i have no doubt.

It never entered my mind about having kids at my age - it is a foreign idea to me.

You do really need to talk it through together. I know right now you must be very confused. You also need to make the right decision for yourselves. I hope you can manage to work things out and wish you all the best. Personally i miscarried at almost 18 and would have loved to have that baby. I am now 23 and have an 18month old boy. He is amazing in the extreme and couldnt imagine my life without him, but when i fell pregnant i was married so i was in totally different circumstances to you (married at 17) BIG MISTAKE. I love my son, but you need not to be pressured into keeping a baby. Its not fair on yourselves or the baby. Good luck and best wishes. x

Take your time and make the decision that's right for you. FWIW it sounds like you could be in the right place to make a success of bringing up a child with this bloke as co-parents rather than a couple: you know each other well, you respect each other etc even if you are not madly in love. My DS dad and I had been a couple years before DS was concieved, remained friends on and off (no falling out, just being busy with other things at times) then had a few beers and a bunk-up one night which resulted in DS. That was 8 years ago and we all get on fine, DS dad comes over at least twice a week and spends time with DS and we sometimes have family outings though there is no couple-relationship between me and DS dad.
Though there is a difference between my situation and yours in that I was 39 when DS was born so fewer career issues. However, having DC when you are younger has its benefits as well.
Good luck whatever you decide.

You are very young and have to be very sure that you would not end up resenting each other - or worse, your baby - years down the line. Having a baby changes EVERYTHING. I am not trying to scare you, but it does.

You will never again be footloose and fancy free. The fun nights out, the lie-ins, the whimsical purchases will dramatically reduce (if not disappear for a while). You will be competing with childless colleagues in your career and there will be no more after work networking drinks or working late to impress the boss.

Really, really think this through - and talk it through honestly with your boyfriend and maybe someone else close to you - parent, friend etc?

Good luck.

Thanks , well We spent all today just talking.

Both agreed that part of us have had the sort of relationship Because we were/are students, it was easy and with the distance... But also because it means we don't risk it all - having been good friends, same old friendship group ( my best girl friend is his twin) and if we failed, it would be bigger than us.
Agreed that us together works - it always has done. And we do love each other (that has never been in doubt)

We agreed that logistically wise we could manage - at least he would have graduated.
I admitted to being nervous about my career being in a very very male dominated work place/career path.
He said that in the few years after graduating he basically has to be a dogs body.

But around lunch he started calling it 'lima'

We talked about how hard it would be - me supporting us all both financially and emotionally - to some degree. We agreed that we could do it slightly differently - i could take more time off, do MSc part time etc so as to support him ( once he is qualified that is it - he just works and builds up experience where as I will (hopefully) move up ranks and job changes as you go ) as it was until he is qualified.

Talked about what it would be like to not have the very relaxed social life we expected in our 20s. What it would be like to be young parents.

I have no one really else that i would feel comfortable saying and talking about this with - the draw back of having your other best friend as your boyfriends sister.

So we didn't make any decisions but at least we talked about it. But ( he more than me) talked more about positives of having baby - rather than trying to see both sides.

Glad you have talked it through and glad you are not alone, you can at least talk to him about it. Maybe he is excited about having a baby, not easy to give everything up, although i have and love being with him, there are babysitters out there and family members to take him if you both ever feel like going out together so you will have it easier than some. x