Need 'How to talk so DH will listen; listen so DH will talk'... Does it exist?

[Mandyville]

There's an ongoing communication failure here. He says that I jump down his throat whenever he opens his mouth, that I either don't listen to him or that I ignore him and don't care about his opinions. I do feel attacked/criticised by him but completely accept his assurances that this is not his intention. I need the words to say, "Your opinion is important to me" without sounding like a loon. This invariably comes to a head when we are (maybe?) having a disagreement about a decision one of us has made without the other (which I'm thinking is a whole other problem...). He states his opinion. I nod. He says it again. And again. And again. I feel steamrollered. (He tells me this is the point at which he feels I have completely shut down and started blanking him.) It's not that I disagree with him - it's just that I can't think of anything to say. He goes on stating and re-stating his opinion, getting more and more strident until I burst into tears. He then feels totally got-at - like tears are a trump card he can't beat. (Disclaimer: I am very pregnant.)

An example would be...
Me: I cancelled the milk, by the way
DH: Why did you do that?
Me: They put the price up again - it doesn't seem like good value any more.
DH: How much does it cost now?
Me: (Names price).
DH: And what is that in comparison with Tesco?
Me: (Waffles a bit and gives a broad range)
DH: Is it £1 cheaper or £2 cheaper, then? Oh, I suppose it doesn't matter exactly.
Me: I did look on the website - can I show you?
DH: No, no, I trust you. I just think it's nice to support a local trader.
Me: I know. I do feel bad.
DH: Why?
Me: Well, like you said.
DH: But I trust your judgement.
Me: OK, thank you.
DH: I just mean that local traders struggle and if we want their services to be available in the future we should support them.
Me: Do you think I should un-cancel?
DH: What do you think?
Me: Well, I just thought the price difference was too much.
DH: OK. I see what you mean. I was just thinking about the future and if we might want our milk delivered while you're on maternity leave.
Me: I hadn't thought about that...
DH: And if we don't support the milkman, he might not be in business when we want him.
Me: So you do think I should re-think this...?
DH: No, not at all!
(And so on, ad infinitum until...)
DH: Look, if you don't care about what I think, then fine.
Me: Waaaahhh!

It seems insane to keep arguing this way. What can I do? He says he doesn't want me to change what I DO - which only leaves changing what I SAY.

Thanks for reading if you got this far...! Any ideas?

That's a good plan.

Xpost.
That was meant to go after Tiger's post.

There's a book we have, I can't find it and am on my phone so cant really search but i think ots called - you don't need to slay my dragons, just take out the rubbish. We found it quite useful, its a husband and wife who wrote it together (I think I'm going on memory and have a couple) and it helps both partners understand, in a scientific way how the opposite brain works and how to talk to eachother and how to listen and understand what they are really saying.

Uh oh - DH home. Wish me luck. Thanks all.

Good luck, Mandyville

It's on amazon, but i can't link as I found it on my app. But its called - you dont need to slay my dragons, just take out the trash. By Beverly Campbell. (I was wrong about the husband and wife team. This was recommended by our marmarriage councillor)

How to Help your Partner Say Yes by Andrew Marshall is quite a good book to start with on communication and conflict.

My other point would be to take hs words at face value, you don't need to second guess like with a child learning to speak. He's an adult and he should learn to express himself like one!

Thanks all. Fortunately he came home in adult mode, explained why he had been upset and suggested a way forward which I agreed with. That's the immediate problem solved, anyway! Three year old also (oddly) slept until after 8, so everyone is feeling better this morning.

Thanks so much for the suggestions everyone.

There is a HT for DHs, and it's called Non-Violent Communication by M Rosenberg. The length of the milk conv. is disproportionate to its importance, truly! Try this.

Me: I cancelled the milk, by the way
DH: Why did you do that?
Me: They put the price up again - it doesn't seem like good value any more.
DH: How much does it cost now?
Me: (Names price).
DH: And what is that in comparison with Tesco?
Me: (Waffles a bit and gives a broad range)
DH: Is it £1 cheaper or £2 cheaper, then? Oh, I suppose it doesn't matter exactly.
Me: Quite. [Goes to do something else]

If he's worried about having milk in the house while you're on Mat leave then he can make sure that you do for himself, like a grown up. Can't he.

And Tesco do deliver. Ether of you could do an online shop for basics every now and then, and milk can safely be frozen.

What was his prob and what was the solution, out of interest? And why if he said he trusted you did he not actually ... you know ... trust you?

Sorry to drop out, Flanelle. The milk thing was a hypothetical. There have been a number of arguments over the years (me being late, him wanting to bring his BIL 150 miles to fix something in the house, me cancelling the veg box, him never cleaning the bathroom, me never emptying the dishwasher) but the milk one was made up as an example because I might want to complain to people I know in RL about it and they might have seen this and then out me.

In fact he does trust me, but we have completely different standards and we both know it. We run into trouble when one of us makes a simple decision/does a simple task that the other would have done differently. We usually manage to talk like grown ups about the big stuff, but seem to fall into the trap of sweating the small stuff (and then I cry, and then he sulks).

The whole thing would probably work better if we talked more. But I doubt we will EVER be free of squirrel's restaurant problem. He wants to figure out how strongly I feel about something, I think. So if I REALLY want steak, he'll happily have steak. But if I am ambivalent, he would prefer curry. I'm sure there's a philosophical text about the difficulties of decision-making under ambiguity...

You can extrapolate from the milk example. Good luck anyway!