help me wise ones.. my family life is going to hell in a hand cart.

[ThatVikRinA22]

I seem to have identified a number of issues in a short space of time...

im not sure if this is a sign of a bigger problem where DD is concerned. The wake up call is as follows....its a bit of a ramble im afraid.

i have been off work with a broken coccyx for a month, so have been taking the opportunities to make decent meals from scratch, most days.

now when im at work, i do a couple of jamie oliver meals, but then when im on lates DH just gives the kids fishfingers and chips or similar.

as ive been off ive been making soups, stews, jamies dinners and using the new slow cooker to produce some lovely tasty meals.

DD i noticed has been hardly touching anything i make. She has been filling up on bread, then taking a bite or pushing the food around the bowl/plate.

Tonight she was extremely rude to me about what id cooked. She said it was all "crap" and she didnt like it, wouldnt eat it and wanted to tell me what she would and wouldnt eat. She kept screeching "what is this??" (it was just chicken that had fallen to bits in the slow cooker, you know when it goes a bit stringy but it was tender and tasty, she just wouldnt touch any of it. )

i lost my rag. i said she could stop being rude, stop shouting at me, eat some of what i put in front of her or be grounded for the weekend. I also told her that eating anything else tonight was banned, as she will leave her meal, only eat bread and then snack all night on crisps, chocolate etc.

i always have fruit in. she wont touch it. she wont eat cereal. she wont touch anything remotely healthy. Im not quite sure when it got this bad, i think ive noticed it because its me doing the cooking not DH, and she isnt getting her usual fix of convenience food as she does with him when im at work, and she stays school dinners when at school, but only eats paninis or pasta apparently....

She says that im blaming her for being "fussy". She isnt fussy, she is bloody impossible.
i end up scraping her full plate into the bin daily.

this has gotten worse. either that or ive not noticed how bad it actually is....i work shifts normally, 6 days a week, between 54 and 62 hours a week and have done for the last 17 months, i feel guilty enough that my attention is no longer fully focused on the family as it is, but surely to god at the age of almost 15 she can cope with me going out to work without the whole bloody lot going to pot? I am going into school next week as she has lost confidence and her grades have slipped. Again this all comes down to me.

this is making me feel terrible. DH has his good points but he does not pull his weight where the kids are concerned - DS (now 20) has aspergers and he left all the fighting/battling for diagnosis, education etc to me. He is the same with DD. its all down to me. anything to do with the house is down to me - DH said the other day "are you going to phone X about those shelves we need putting up?" and if i dont do it (i havent so far) it doesnt get done.

i feel like im carrying the bloody weight of the world on my shoulders....i cant do this alone and i am, i always have. I have recently been having some counselling sessions and today the counsellor said i am a prime candidate for "burn out"
i have a very stressful job. aspects of the job are worrying me, actually panicking me, not just worrying me.
I have always worked but only part time and i have been the one that everyone comes to for anything, including DH....now i cant do it. I cant cope with everything.
I have just had to organise DS accommodation for university, sort out a meeting with a disability advisor, fill in his DSA application for uni, next month i have DDs parents evening, ive going to school to find out what s going on with DD and her grades, and now, the last straw....the food thing. why isnt she eating?
ive just asked her and she says its just because im cooking stuff she doesnt like.
is it that simple? do i just make chips with something every day?

i feel as if i have 2 full time jobs. if i say anything to DH he says he works too. today i told him what the counsellor had said, and he said "yes but youre better at all that than me" got his shoes on and promptly buggered off to work.

i feel like i need some brow soothing. im on a diet and cant open the wine.

Honestly - stop doing it.

The world will not fall apart.

Your dh is slacking because you are enabling him. Don't.

Don't cook for everyone, make what you want to eat and let your dd and dh sort themselves out.

Don't deal with your dd's school. Tell her she is old enough to deal with it herself and that you expect her to shape up. Then disengage. She has a couple of years to knock some sense into herself before GCSEs. Don't enable her to be crap and make you chase around after her trying to be better.

You've done your job at home. Now you have your job to do at work. Someone else can deal with the home stuff. And if they don't, well, then it just won't get dealt with. Not the end of the world.

The food thing wouldn't be such a big deal if everything else was ok. You know this. You will indeed come to breaking point if you carry on. Your DH needs to support you.
Others will be along soon, sorry you are going through this.

How old is DD? I have known incredibly fussy teenagers so it could be that... Or she could be acting out because you are working so much.

Definitely set some time to talk to DH about how you feel re the division of labour. Go in with the 'I feel' statements. And let him process. Men do seem to be very good at ignoring the need for them to contribute to all areas of domestic support.

My girl is the same age and the attitude to you and to food - it all sounds similar. I compromise. Tonight I bought her a Waitrose pizza but served it with lovely veg. 'If you don't eat the veg, I won't buy you pizza again.' It does work. Yes, your girl is acting up.

DH needs a kick up the bottom and you need to realise that you are a great mum, doing your best for everyone.

I think you are fab. Hang in there my love. Those teenagers really really try it on. Stay strong.

How about getting your thoughts in order, writing it all down and telling DH that you want a family meeting and pre-warning him what it's about? Maybe mention what the councillor has said, burn-out etc...and that something will need to change. Obviously you not working so much would have a huge impact in a number of ways, but unless basic changes are made, and responsibilities shared, it sounds like you will end up being signed off and being poorly - and they will be sorting it out for themselves anyhow!

It is that simple, I only put in front of my kids dinners I knew the would eat as found it pointless dishing up food they did not like.

Ask her for a menu for a week of dinners she does want, if necessary teach her to cook those dinners.

dd is 14, but in the throws of teen angst - she has started GCSE exams already - they do them in dribs and drabs now - but she has gone from top set to the bottom set in some subjects. i cant just leave it, i feel i need to see whats going on with her. When i asked she burst into tears and said she is "useless" at everything. dont feel able to just turn my back and ignore...

problem with DH is that in the 23 years we have been together he has always been like this

when i met him he had no gas for 4 months in his flat because workmen had dug up the road outside and cut his gas off - he just lived with it for 4 bloody months. I ended up phoning his landlady and the gas board. that was when i was 17.

he has lots of good points, and when i was the one at home the most it didnt really matter, but now it does. He wont change. If i died tomorrow, he would get his head down and carry on just as he always has, no one would get phoned, nothing would get done. he would rather not bother than bother. thats the bottom line.