You know all is not well when you are hiding upstairs

[LadyMedea]

Im sat in bed with the iPad, DH is downstairs in the lounge. We've been married 6 years, together 10. No DCs (always feel a fraud on here, but I like the company).

The last two years have been rough, difficult job for him, house move to fix it then difficult job for me. We have had our fair share of crap thrown into the mix of our relationship the whole time - primarily the fact that I suffer from ME which flares up once a year meaning I just about make it to work and then sleep the rest of theterms for about 6 weeks to two months. And it always limits what we can do together. Our sex life is the other thing that has always been tricky, something I wasn't willing to address as I couldn't see with my head in the sand.

I knew the last two years were tough but was just hanging on hoping that the dust would eventually settle and we'd find a way back to each other. Unfortunately since Easter he was getting more irritable and distant until he finally blew up in the summer. Tried Relate, had a terrible experience not helped by the fact that he was still playing the part of the perfect DH - no I don't feel resentment about her illness.... Made it to September and things were feeling happier and more normal. Then he just slipped away again.

He moved into the spare room at the start of November. And we spent Xmas apart forthe first time in 8 years. He has been horrible to live with. This gentle, funny, kind man I've known for so long is now angry, irritable, complaining and a general misery guts. Most of this isn't directed at me just life in general although I do get some bitching sometimes. I'm pretty sure he is quite depressed, but so far he hasn't sought treatment - despite regular prodding from me and MIL.

We've spoken so little I really don't know what is going on in his head - made me realise how limited our honest deep and meaningful conversation actually was. He has said 'maybe we'd be better off going our separate ways'. He's refused any further couples counselling at the moment, saying he needs to sort his head first, which I get. He has a lot of baggage from his childhood that really weighs him down.

But I can't take it anymore, I'm having panic attacks, crying a lot. Can't Concentrate at work and I'm starting a new job soon. I miss my husband so much. I've made up my mind that tomorrow we are going to sit down and talk about a way of going forward. I either need to see some movement on his side or we need to not be living together. I don't want to leave the house but I don't know if he would... I refuse to be roommates with a grumpy man inhabiting my dear husbands body.

Nothing to answer in this post... Just wanted to get it all out there.

I know that you weren't requesting an answer, but I do hope that you and your husband find a solution that allows you to both be happy as you both deserve that.

Thanks Perish. It's a situation I'd never thought I'd be in.... So dealing with it has been hard.

It sounds like your marriage is really affecting your health.
How can you be sure your husbnd is depressed?
Would it help you if you tell us us some of things you want to say to him tomorrow?

I'm not 100% sure he is depressed although he has many of the classic signs - persistent low mood, no longer enjoying things he enjoyed (doesn't laugh at the big bang theory any more, comes back from a run saying that was shit), weight loss, sleeping more, no motivation in general.

I've arranged a place to stay for tomorrow night and longer if needed, depending on what happens tomorrow so I have a calm haven. It is absolutely killing me health wise as stress is not good for energy levels.

Tomorrow I'm going to ask him what is happening in that head of his. Whether he has made an appointment with a counsellor. Did he speak to his Mum/sister over Christmas.

He has found it difficult that, with the exception of the odd end of the tether outburst, I've tried to carrying being kind to him. So telling him I love him doesn't help - although I still do.

The big question is where do we go from here? I'm not prepared to stay living In This house together indefinitely and I feel he should be the one to leave as he is the one checking out of the marriage. I think it would do him good to see what life is like without a wife to share things with. But I can't force him. So who knows, if I have to e the one to make the break I will.

I have no experience of being married or anything like that, but perhaps it might be worth having a trial separation (in terms of living together) for a while? If he has a lot of baggage from his childhood and/or is depressed (I understand that the two probably aren't mutually exclusive) then I think he should see a counsellor but perhaps that is something he needs to do on his own. There may well be underlying issues that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about (for whatever reason, some people are just like that) and he may find it easier to resolve/deal with these issues alone.

And most of all, remember to take care of yourself first!

Hello again my love. So so sorry that you really are having such an awful time all round. Push for the counsellor. Mine starts one on Monday....sometimes it can really get things straight in their heads.

Sending love. Keep talking, keep ranting if you need to. This is a safe and anonymous place. People care.

xx

to me it sound he might be depressed ...or there might have an affair

I do hope that you have sought help for your ME? are you on any medication and getting ongoing support from GP for your ME? It's crippling. Crippling for you and crippling to live with for your P. Sounds like the root of the problem?

I had a very dear (male) friend whose girlfriend had ME and they only functioned well as a couple for about 8 months of the year. It was so difficult. He loved her to bits but he couldn't cope. And she could certainly not cope with him being unable to cope iykwim. How are you managing your condition?

That's for all your support

I am definitely considering living apart for a while. Unfortunately DH has no friends (part of the problem) and although I have plenty locally who could put me up for a night or two, only the friend a lot further away, who I've arranged to stay with, has a spare room. I really don't want to leave our house to live on my own as its comfortable and there are cats for cuddling. Although when I start my new job it's a bit of a trek so may consider finding something locally.

On the ME front I've lived with it for 20 years (im only in my early thirties) and tried most treatments with no success. My GP is passable and I havent bothered seeing a specialist for a while as there seems to be no point. I feel quite blessed as I hold down a full time job and many people are a lot sicker but it does take a toll on my marriage. I don't blame him for struggling but after so long together I'm pretty angry that he is considering bailing now.

Update on this evening, he just spent an hour telling me about his Xmas.... All smiles... Then went all grumpy when I mentioned that our friends visiting from the States had missed seeing him (he completely blanked them the whole time they visited). Oh well big conversation tomorrow

OP apart from asking him if he's having an affair (which I'm sure he would deny) have you done any checking yourself to rule it out?

So we talked. Not a great start as I had checked his phone and he was sexting his colleage... So tacky. I told him it was an affair, whether they had slept together or not (I believe him, but it's probably only true because of lack of opportunity). He disagreed. He is very low at the moment and I know it flatters him. They've only been friends f or a few months and he spends very little time out the house so this is definitely a side effect not a cause. Not on at all, but not my main concern at the moment.

So he wants to separate, which is what I was expecting. Although he seemed a little surprised that this meant we could no longer live together. That was not a option as its just killing me. He agreed to move out. I guess it's a trial separation but in his head at the moment he thinks it will probably become permanent. I'm pretty balanced at the moment as to the odds of him sorting his head out and finding a way back vs it being over. I'm a bit screwed as I still love him, and despite how I t sounds we actually have so much that is good in our relationship. I miss my husband.

Darling, he is lying to you.

No man wants to separate from his wife if he hasn't had sex with the OW yet. And there is always opportunity. I think you'll find 'they've only been friends for a few months' translates to 'I met her around Easter time'. That's when all this started wasn't it?

i am sure they have just been friends until at least November. And definitely did not know each other before last summer. They work in the same team but at different sites so come into contact rarely. She also lives in another city with her parents. I wish I had scrolled back further through the messages to check on timings.... Everything I read was from this last week. Don't get me wrong, he is a git for this. I'm just not really surprised, men are weak and crappy.

It's not a gender issue - some men are weak and crappy and so are some women.

All you can do is boot him out the door let him go and get on with building a life for yourself.

It may be that he'll find out that the grass isn't greener and he'll come crawling back, by which time you may be over him and that will be his problem.

You're going to hurt like hell, honey, but others have been where you are now and have emerged from the ordeal a great deal happier than when they were living with their lying toads.

When did he start to work for his firm? When did she? It was November he moved into the spare room wasn't it?

You'd be surprised how many unfaithful men present with symptoms of 'depression' when in fact they are having an affair.

This man's weak and crappy, that's all.

I wonder how her parents will feel about having their darling daughter named as the OW in your divorce petition? Why not run that by him when he's packed and ready to go.

I don't want to get all bitchy about this. It doesnt help me move on. We all actually work for the same company so I am going to have a word with her. I work in the same building as her so I want her to know I know - take the shine off it. She really isn't the cause of all this, just a symptom. Things have been tricky long before they ever met. Not excusing him but those are the facts. He is weak and crappy (didn't mean to slight the gender).

You are right I may not want him back. Id want to see that he'd dealt with a lot of his issues in therapy before we got to that point. I luckily have wonderful supportive parents both emotionally and financially so I know I will be ok. I'd just rather sort things out with him.