What would you do? I feel so alone in this.

[LuSmithTheMyth]

Hey!

A little backstory: I had a horrible three year relationship in the past, one that I managed to free myself from eventually. That's not what this is in regards to though.

Before I went with my now ex, I had a small fling with a guy I knew, who I felt comfortable around, who really seemed to care, and who seemed to be really into me. For some reason I got cold feet and lost out on being with him.

Roll on three years later and I meet this guy at a New Years Eve party, one thing leads to another and we get together. I had a horrible first year with my ex trying to make me feel bad at every opportunity, but despite my insecurities my loving man was there by my side for EVERYTHING. I fell pregnant the beginning of 2011 with his child. My pregnancy (despite the morning sickness and some slight complications in third tri) went well, and he was there as much as he could be.. I rested up alot of the time. I went into labour four weeks early and delivered a baby boy, healthy as anything.

Roll on to now, three months down the line and I'm having a lot (and I mean ALOT) of health difficulties, in which I have to go in to have a laraposcopy done next month, among other things. Our baby is needy, clingy, screams a lot, is awake too much, unsettled, and doesn't like being on its own. I haven't been able to do much admittedly in my condition as I'm spending most of my time in pain, resting or trying to take it easy, so my partner adn mum have been doing alot of the work admittedly and taking the edge off of me. However, I feel like me and my partner are drifting apart, or like he resents me for being unwell and having to do things for the baby all the time.

He doesn't seem concerned about my health, doesn't ask me how I am or even talk to me much throuhgout the day, I have to literally spend time distracting myself alot of the time to keep my thoughts away from the depression I'm going through. Iwon't fault him, I've had a fantastic relationship with him and throughout the time we were together before little one came along, we were so in love nobody could tear us apart. He was waiting on my every need even when I didn't need it and loved to spend time with me.

I get worried and start disliking myself for not being able to do more, feeling guilty for being ill, and thinking maybe I should just not rest and put myself through more stress just to take the load off of him. I don't really know what to do anymore, I'm sure he wouldnt seem to notice the difference even if I did that.

I've tried to talk to him, sort of.. brought it up sometimes, but mainly its when we have an argument that I scream at him regarding hw little I speak to him or get to spend time with him. I don't know how to bring it up with him properly without causing an argument or him brushing it off. We don't get enough time to talk.

He proposed to me on NYE, and I said yes obviously, but I'm wondering within the past few days whether he actually wants to marry me or not because we've been so distant. I do want to marry him, he's been the one constant throughout my love life and I feel safe with him most of the time, but when he's tired he's SO grumpy and I feel like I could never do anything right.

Advice?

Make time to talk to him. Get your mum to babysit for a few hours on a weekend, perhaps. Sit down with him and explain to him that you feel the need to have a serious talk about how you're feeling. Tell him, calmly, how you feel. Use "I" comments, don't say "you do this." So for example you could say "I feel bad that you've taken on so much of the burden since our baby was born, how are you feeling about it?" Don't rise to what he says. If he reacts angrily, respond directly to what he says and try to get the discussion back on track.

The first few months with a new baby are horrendous for most people. You're trying to cope with lack of sleep on top of trying do a million and one other things and you have full responsibility for keeping a new little person alive too. I know DH and I struggled and that was with a fairly good baby and both of us in good health.

I think the getting a babysitter idea is a good one. A few hours rest for your DP with a chance to have a talk, a cuddle and some time as a couple would be a good starting point. He just sounds exhausted to me.

He wouldn't have proposed to you if he didn't mean it.
I think he is probably just exhausted and shell shocked and probably worried about you.

Don't worry - I think this is quite normal behaviour 3 months on, especially with all your health problems on top.
x

Agree with the advice above. Try not to scream at him, as tired and frustrated as you are. I used to do this to DH is an attempt to get a response from him and it causes the opposite. Maybe he's not asking how you are any more because he's scared of being shouted at? Definitely try and get a few child free hours together to talk calmly to each other. It worked for me and DH. Looking back, I wish we'd done this regularly when the children were babies. Good luck - it does seem as though you love each other - so you're halfway there. xx

Are you having problems bonding with your DS? You refer to him as 'it'! Are the issues between your DP and yourself connected to this?

4aminsomniac - I didn't mean it like that, sorry! I think I was just trying to type fast and not thinking about what I'm writing sometimes.

Saying that I have had severe PND because of my health worries, but I am there for my DS when I can be.

Thanks everyone.

I guess that time with the OH is probably needed, and time to ourselves is what we don't seem to get. I just don't really see an end to this difficult time and it gets me down alot. Everytime I go to the doctor he checks how depressed I am and I don't think there's much that can make me happy with how much pain I've been in recently. Every day is so hard to get through to the next!

I guess he probably is exhausted from looking after DS during the day. I wake up early in the morning to help feed him and leave OH in bed until 11am at least usually.. so he can get at LEAST 6-7 hours sleep. I guess we'll get through this stage, its just hard work.

I think it upsets me because alot of the time he's not with the bubby he's playing video games and watching tv and I guess I feel like that time could be spent with me? I don't know, I feel guilty.. I know he wants tme to himself so have to respect that but we don't speak to each other much until it gets to a point where we have to go out!

I'm reading a book at the moment called "the 5 languages of love" at the moment. My daughter gave lent it to me to read. Seemingly we are all different and have different language. It's like trying to speak Chinese to someone who only knows English. The key according to this book is to understand your partners love language. Do a google site on it. They have a website too! It may help.

How old were you when you had the fling? How long were you back together before getting pregnant? Have you been put on anti-depressants? And no you should not do more to ease the burden, you are ill!

Well it was just over four years ago so 23? I'm 27 now. We were back together for about two months but we haven't really had any major problems, he's very faithful and cares alot about me and believe me I trust him more than anything, I guess it's just the fact we don't get to spend much time together that gets me down more than anything.

I'm on Sertraline/Zoloft 50mg which is fine for me because it doesn't give me the nasty side effects that Celexa did! I've been encouraged to up my dose to 100mg but I refused to the doctor atm because I know my anxiety will increase and that'll be something else to deal with whilst being ill, not my favourite thing. I'd rather deal with feeling a bit down then feeling sick and having panic attacks for the next few weeks!

Believe me, I'm very happy with him, and he has nothing but dedication to me otherwise he would have walked away a long time ago! Having a LO is tiring I guess.

I take it your depression is being measured using a HADS score? Has it improved since you have been on the zoloft? If it hasn't then it's not working for you.
If it has helped (as in you are feeling somewhat better) could your doctor not up the dose but also give you something to control the symptoms? I'm on welbutrin with a side dose of celaxa, so that my ocd symptoms don't get worse. In regards to your baby, has cranial therapy been suggested? Often helps calm fretful babies. Also have you thought of investing in a sling, it's a good way of keeping your baby close. And since your resting a lot, could you snuggle with him, or does he like being walked around? Has your other half thought of going to parent and baby groups, since he is doing the majority of the care.
Is your illness likely to be long term?

From my experience setraline eases anxiety. Especially at higher doses. Why do you think it will increase it?

The reasons for my depression are mainly to do with my health probs so I don't think increasing the antidepressant would make a difference at this point and I say probably increase anxiety because it's happened on celexa before and also because when I first started on it I was given 100mg and it made me very sick. I do have some Valium but I don't use it except in emergencies.

In regards to my illness I'm not sure if it's long term or not yet as I'm having investigation next month into various things. The baby doesn't like lying down all the time and likes interaction but didn't like a sling at all as he couldn't get comfortable.

Oh and the baby groups wouldn't be a good idea for my other half as he has slight social anxiety so whenever we go somewhere I usually have to go with.

Thinking of an osteopath actually, was gonna do it for both but prices went up after new year so just waiting to have the ££