Have any of you moved away with DC after splitting from ex, and has the distance caused problems?

[KarmaArseBite]

Ex DP left me and DS (age 5) just over 12 months ago, after he had been involved with somebody else for 18 months . At the moment he lives half an hour away and sees DS once in the week and every other weekend. He has a close relationship with DS and they do have good weekends together.

I have lived here for 20 years but my hometown is 4 hours away. My parents and old school friends are still in my hometown. My parents have been a great support to my DS and me after the news of Ex's affair (has been a difficult year but seeing the light at end of tunnel now) and I am considering moving back to be near to them and old friends.

My DS is close with nan and grandad as they come to visit regularly, they adore him and have said they will help out with him every day if needed.

What is stopping me from moving back straight away is the thought of moving DS so far away from his dad, I've always wanted him to have a close relationship with him as I know how important it is.

Me and DS have quite a nice life here - friends, cousins etc but I really feel a need to move back home to be near my parents, who are 70 and would give anything to have us live near to them. I feel like I want to start a new life for me and DS and feel like the only reason I am living here is so he can be near his dad.

I suppose what I am asking is has anybody moved 4 hours (or more) away with DC and managed to make it work with Ex DP seeing their DC regularly. I would hate for DS to be really unhappy with me when he is older as I moved him so far away from his dad.

Also has anybody moved their children to a different area and to a new school at age 5? Did they adjust fairly quickly?

TIA

I have only moved my DS 2 hours away from his father but will stick my two penneth in anyway! Do you drive? if you would drive half way or drop him off for ex to return him fortnightly so ex could have him for the weekend then I don't think it is too awful of you.

I will get flamed for this but your ex decided you and DS were not enough for him so I don't see why you should sacrifice your happiness to make his life easier. Considering him and your son is only fair obviously but going without what would be great for you and DS is not fair on you.

Re: schools. DS moved schools (just locally) in year 2 and settled in within a day or so. He has taken slightly longer to settle after the move (he is year 4 now) but never been unhappy and loves it. I would say it took him a half term to feel fully settled.

Good Luck whatever you decide

v long story but in july this year i moved back to uk from Australia, me and my daughters (she is 6) dad had split up about 2 years prior, still good friends etc but due to an abusive relationship i was in with new partner i had to leave for our safety, my daughters dad although devasted fully understood as he had seen the hell i was going through.

i left oz in may 2011 (went to parents in dubai for a bit before returning to essex) and her dad is coming over in march for her bday so would have been 10 months!

They do skype but difficult with time differences! we are round corner from his parents though so they get to see her and we do email and talk.

So to me 4 hours would be nothing lol, do what is best for you and little one, am sure they will love spending time with nanny and grandad, my daughter misses her dad but says she prefers it here and sees nanny and grandad lots even though they in dubai (they back and forth here and we back and forth dubai)

your ex decided you and DS were not enough for him

Firstly NO! Her ex cheated on OP. Not their son. There's a huge difference.

I've actually moved two hours away from my ex with our kids. We've been here for 5 years now.

What I would say though is make sure you are moving for the right reasons. What I mean is that often when people are going through times of hardship it's natural to want to go 'home'. When I split from my last partner, there was a period where I'd have given anything to move back to my hometown. It's safe, I knew people and have family around.

BUT and there's always a but

There will be a huge change in the relationship with your son and his dad. That's assuming he doesn't kick off and take you to court. My ex sees our kids every other weekend now due to the distance and it is very stressful on yourself and the kids to have to ferry them every other weekend to the other parents. For you, even if you agree to meet halfway, that's a regular 8 hour journey for everyone. It'll cost. Petrol, train tickets. None of them are cheap.

You'll need to be prepared to do this journey for the next ten years until your DS is old enough to make the trip himself.

My daughter isn't very close with her mum at all now. Something which I do think the distance has had an impact on. Her mum can never go to school meetings, see her in school plays and she can never just call in on her mum just because she fancies it.

The other thing to seriously think about is what practical difference will it make? For me I realised it was the emotional side of things which made me want to move. In reality financially it was a disaster and in practice my family would rarely be around to help. In your case your parents are 70 already. How much longer can you realistically rely on them for?

At 5, school won't be a big issue. Kids move all the time and he'll soon bounce back. When I moved, my son was about 4.5 and my daughter 10. Both coped very well with the change.

I hope the above has given you some food for thought.

Whilst your sons relationship with his father is important, it is not the ONLY realtionship that is important and you are perfectly entitled to rebuild your life within a supportive and known environment.
Your ex must have considered the possible implications of his actions - and I disagree with the fact theat he didn't betray his child . He kind of abdicated some of his 'rights' when he messed around and had an affair - so it's up to him to ensure that he makes whatever effort required to build a realtionship with his son, wherever he lives.
Kids aged 5 are incredibly flexible - he will thrive from being close to a loving, extended family with a mum who is happier and has a good support network. Good luck OP -

So if a woman has an affair then it's acceptable for the father to move away with their child(ren) because she's abdicated some of her responsibilities yes?

Is that what you are implying Sapphire? Or does that only apply if a man cheats on a woman?

No it's not what I'm saying at all Niceguy and I'm bewildered as to how you read that from my post.
The OP in this case is a woman. It is the man who has done the cheating. I was responding to the OP, not making sweeping generalsations about genders etc.
The OP doesn't want to move away to spite her ex. The OP wants to move away to enable her to bring her son up in a more familaiar and hopefully more supportive environment. The courts are not in the business of stopping people from rebuilding their lives post divorce. The OP, be she a man, woman, or 3 headed geeko is perfectly entitles to do just that and unfortunately, the cheating spouse, will inevitably be the one who misses out. A resident parent, forced to live in an unsupportive environment is hardly likely to be best placed to provide a happy home for a child.

I completely disagree Sapphire.

If you move a lot further away Karma your son will have a very different relationship with his Dad if he is involved to the extent that he has him midweek and at weekends. No number of phone calls, skype calls, extended holiday contact makes up for not being local to your child.

He won't be able to pop in for school events, pick him up from school if he happens to have a day off, be around if your son is ill or needs help with something that he'd like his Dad to help with.

Having to fit in travelling time will impact on how much time they have together. Midweek birthdays mean he may not be able to see his Dad, and Christmas arrangements may be difficult.

Could you parents move to live near you instead?

Sapphire, it doesn't really sound to me like she's in a unsupported environment. She describes that she has a nice life where she is and her son has a close relationship with his Dad. She's been there 20 years - it's not like she's been isolated, is really unhappy and doesn't have any local support. She does, and her son has the huge benefit of being brought up by both parents by the sound of it.

Ive moved away. Ex DH is forces as well, so i didnt have much choice seeing as we lost the family home ( owed by the army) The choice was that i could either stay in the town where he was currently based ( knowing he would at some point in the next 2 years have to move away from there, and would also be on frequent tours) Or, move just over an hour down the road to be near my family.
I chose the latter. DD is settled, i am settled, we see family and she has great relationships with them. It does mean she only sees her dad every other weekend and there is a bit of a drive, and im sure to some extent their relationship isnt as close as it might have been had they been able to see each other more than that. However, that was always going to be the case with him being away alot with his job.
DD is almost 6 and understands, but then he was always away and shes never known anything else, it might be quite different if he had been around a lot before.

we are now facing a very likely move of dds dad to somewhere 12 hours away, so that could change everything,..... but has cemented the fact that i made the right choice in moving here.

I would move and then work around it, providing your child is going to be ok with it, and only you can make that judgement call.

I would think about how your ex will afford the extra cost of the journey- could you afford to have that taken out of your maintaince? As it is your choice to move it should be up to you to foot the bill IMHO.

If you feel so strongly could you try it out for a few weeks (take leave from work in the holidays and see how it goes?)

Fwiw he betrayed you not your son.

Can you talk to him (if you're on good terms) about this possibility of moving? Gage his reaction etc.

Also if he decided to have more chdren with his gf- he may not always be able to travel the distance (or similarly if you meet someone) then it is your child who will suffer

He kind of abdicated some of his 'rights' when he messed around and had an affair

Sapphire, that's the sentence which I was referring to. Does the same apply if you replace 'he' with 'she'? After all, what's good enough for the goose is good enough for the gander?

And the issue here isn't whether or not it's right or wrong for OP. The main issue is what impact will it have on the relationship between the child and his father. And talking from experience, there will be a huge impact if they live 4 hours apart. Yes a child should have other relationships with other members of family but surely a meaningful relationship with their dad is more important than grandparents?

I agree with you niceguy

He abdicated no 'rights'.... Because he actually doesn't have any, neither dies the mother. It's the child who has all the rights, as per the children's act

They have good contact. If he takes this to court for a prohibited steps order ( school move) then you will have to show this us in your child's best interests ( yours don't count here)

I don't think he abdicated rights either but if you destroy your family set up you have to be mindful that things may change and not in a spiteful way either, just in a 'life' way. Maybe the ex will decide to move nearer to his DS if the move goes ahead. maybe the OP won't move as she feels too guilty then the ex decides to move away himself in a few years...

Completely agree with niceguy.

When we have women on this site saying they have had an affair does it mean that they as primary carer lose their rights to the dc's? What about if you just leave a relationship (without an affair) do you lose some rights to children as a well??

I think it's a very tough decisions to make but it absolutely will impact the child's relationship with his father, for all of the reasons that Niceguy mentioned..Your son won't have his dad supporting him at football matches or other events. He can't have dad collect him from school. His dad won't know his friends etc. It all impacts their bond and as a result their relationship will be weakend.

DHs ex moved hours away after SHE had an affair(s). DH didn't fight it in court and does regret that decision. The ex has since remarried multiple times and DH just isn't close enough to be the support that his son needs. We have moved as close as DH's job will allow but even with that it's difficult. I personally would not advocate moving as I believe dc's have a right to a good relationship with both parents. I suggest you have an frank discussion with your ex and see what his views are..He may not plan on remaining in the area so it maybe a valid discussion point.

The OP isn't moving to Australia or anything. I soul searched for many months before we moved and still feel guilty about it now. In my case though when we decided to move ex had moved an hr away from where we lived previously in the direction of where we live now. He decided to move back to our home town whilst being armed with information from me that we were considering a move to our current city. In light of that I don't feel too bad as if he had stayed where he was the travelling time would have been the same. But living there didn't suit his family in the same way that living in our original town didn't suit us anymore... such is life!

Niceguy - I'll say it again S L O W L Y - yes the genders are interchangable. No it doesn't matter who shagged who behind whos back. But if the resident parent wants to move away in order to provide a stable, secure, supportive environment for his/her child, you believe they should be forced to live somewhere they don't want to be, without extended family, when the non resident parent is (presumably) fit, well and able to travel to see the child You think the courts agree that a parent should be imprisoned within say a 50 mile radius of an ex ? Ridiculous and archaic notion.

OP - do what feels right in your heart. My kids have a very good relationship with their dad. No it's not perfect but we have a good life, I can work and keep a roof over our heads knowing that I have the back up. If you feel that going 'home' is the best thing for you, then there are lots of ways that you as parents can make it better for your little boy. My nephews dad moved to the US after his affair - my nephew is a happy, well adjusted 'cool' 14 year old. Good luck with whatever you decide

Their ds is stable snd secure where he is, and has been, for his whole life

So that old argument doesn't wash here..... Op wants to uproot him further, from his friends, and importantly, his new school!

Could ds remain with his dad? And op moves away to support her parents/grandparents....seeing ds every other weekend/school holidays?

pmsl Olympia - I suggested that Ex and OW had the kids to live with them. He nearly choked on his latte. Didn't quite fit in with the Saturday morning shag fests they had planned

Wonder what the ex will say. We don't know his reaction yet anyway, but chances are he would be ok with the move.

Well I am not convinced that the distance is the major issue here.
I know lots of dads who never go the school play, sports day etc... even though they still live with their dcs. I actually I know lots of mums who don't do that either and none of them have problem establishing relationship with their dcs.
I know quite a few parents who work stupid hours and aren't back home after their dcs are in bed, every day of the week.

And the ideas that you are going to 'uproot' a child because you are taking him 4hours away (and it will be so hard for him) is a pet hate of mine. For a child that age, home is where he is living with his parent(s). No children has ever been 'destroyed' by moving away with his parents to a different town. The idea of 'uprooting' is putting an adult pov (and usually one who has move very little in their lifes) into the head of a child. It just doesn't work that way.

I believe all of the people involve in this triangle are allowed to have their needs taken into account. Not the mum or the father nor the child should have their needs given any priority.

OP you will need to balance what you will get out of moving with your dc back to your home town with the hassle associated with the travel etc... for your ds to see his dad.
I believe his father is also in need to want to do the effort. ie is he likely to be difficult and asking you to do the whole trip to bring your son to him or will he be happy to meet up half way or whatever other arrangement you can find that will be 50/50. You might want to take that into account too.

@Sapphire, noone is disputing whether or not OP should or should not be forced to stay in an area she doesn't like. All I was doing was responding to your comment regarding stating that since he had an affair, he's effectively lost 'rights'. All I was asking is if the same cut the other way. Respond as S L O W L Y as you like.

In OP's case, she's got friends & family (cousins) around. She's lived in the area for 20 years so what I originally suggested was that she sit down and understand why she's looking to move, how much it will cost her and what REAL benefits she will gain.

Like I said, in times of uncertainty we often crave the security of 'home'. Having been in this situation I too was tempted to go home and be closer to my parents. In short, other than being close to her elderly parents, what is the attraction? Afterall, she will have to balance this against the costs of moving, finding a new home, school and job and the fact her son will have to travel 8 hours every other weekend to see his dad. His dad will never be able to attend a parents evening, a christmas play. Maintenance will be reduced as he'll no doubt want to offset travel costs against what he pays.

If after all that, OP can hand on heart say 'yes, that's still what I want' then fair do's, go for it. But my main point is be careful it's simply not a case of thinking the grass is greener.

Like I said earlier Sapphire, it doesn't come across as if Karma is hugely unhappy where she is and unsupported. She has friends and cousins and describes a nice life. She also has the support of her child's Dad on tap and this wouldn't be the case if she moved.

I have experience of both with dsd and now dd. I saw what it was like having a long distance relationship with your child, I can see what it's like having your other parent close by. I would without a shadow of a doubt opt for the latter. And sadly my dsd can see what dd is getting with her Dad that she didn't . Distance makes a massive difference.

And I don't think you can begin to compare a move like this for a child with separated parents, to what it's like for a child who moves with both parents.

The courts do sometimes agree that the best thing for the child is to stay where they are. It hinges on the court's view of what's in the best interests of the child versus the reasons for the proposed move. If you need to move because of, say, a job then the court will tend to approve it. If the court thinks that a significant reason for the move is to frustrate contact with the non-res parent then they'll tend not to approve it. The distance moved (and, in particular, if the move takes the child out of the court's jurisdiction) also plays a part.

In the OP's situation it's hard to say which way a court would decide. Certainly the father has grounds to apply for a prohibited steps order, but it would be up to the judge to decide whether there are grounds for that order to be made.

Thanks so much for your replies, they have given me a lot to think about. I have attempted to reply with a long post twice now and i keep losing it - not sure why.

I need to seriously think about the pros and cons of staying here or moving away, if there was only myself to consider I would have moved back home years ago but I don't know if I could live with the guilt of moving DS 4 hours away from his dad.

I think I would be happier living back there but feel like I need to put my DS happiness before mine.

Thanks again, appreciate you taking the time