I've been an infrequent mumsnetter for years but always find the advice on here really helpful.
My mum has always been quite tricky to deal with. She had me at 20 and she and my dad got married while she was pregnent, although this had never been mentioned ( did the maths aged 10!).
I don't have many warm memories of childhood - my first memory is of being told off for playing with the child next door when i was forbidden as mum had fallen out with the childs mother. Mum often seemed angry and easily upset. We were often walking on eggshells around her.
She was (and still is ) horrrible to my dad - speaks to him rudely, criticises him. They have never seemed to really like each other - no affection towards each other. She doesn't have any friends and any new friends she gets she soon falls out with,
As a teenager I did not confide in her or talk to her about any problems growing up as i didn't trust her or value her opinion. She was either overbearing with her advice or disengaged. She was quite critical, rarely praised. She took offence if you did not take her advice. If I confided in her, I would be fearful of it being thrown back in my face, which it often did. I realise now that she was depressed for most of my childhood, ESP my teenage years.
At the same time, she had a difficult relationship with her own family and ended up cutting off her brother and sister about 20 years ago. At a similar time, the brother and sister cut off their mother. I don't know why exactly but there had been mistrust between them all for years which culminated in a falling out about inheritance. She hates them quite openly. Says her brother bullied her as a child. Wished her mother dead to my face several times. I know she feels that she was a victims of their bad behaviour, that her mother didn't protect her from bullying brother.
During my twenties I had a distant but ok relationship with her. She left my dad, twice, both times by leaving without telling us where she was going. Both times she had bought a house and moved into it without telling anybody. The second time she bought the house with a man. I saw her occasionally and made it clear ( i think) that i unsderstood why she left but did not agree with the way she had done it. I never had a go at her about anything she had done. I woudn't dare plus I could see it was the behaviour of a damaged person.
I got engaged in 1999 and at the same time her relationship with the other man ended and my dad took her back. I was very upset about them getting back together as they had never got on and had by this time been sparated for 7 years. But they did and I have had one conversation with each of them about it - both claim at they only got back because the other cannot cope financially without them and it is for this reason alone.
I got married to a lovely DH and we have 3 children and for the last 10 years my mum has been a brilliant grandmother. It has brought out the best in her. I still limit what I say to her but the children and our mutual interests such as books and gardening have provided enough fodder for an acceptable relationship.She seems to have occasional depressive episodes still but they are blips rather than long episodes.
However, she has recently fallen out with yet another friend due to alleged bullying. It has triggered a new depressive episode which seems to be worse. I have advised her to have some counselling as I feel that the bullying she says she experienced as a child has scarred her. She thinks everyone is going to treat her the same way. She accepts this is a pattern but also thinks she is right to look for bullying tendencies in people and challenge them about them. She is paranoid I think and at the stage of depression where she is blaming everyone's else for her unhappiness. She came to see me before Xmas saying she was on beta blockers as the stress of living its my dad was unbearable. She can't sleep.
I have always felt quite sorry for my mum and have excused her behaviour because of her upbringing. But since this latest episode i don't really like my mum. I think she's now reaping what she has sowed. She recognises some of her behaviour but not the effect it has on other people. She always looks for people's faults but does not shine e same harsh light on herself. She has started criticising her GC (who adore her) with a comment on boxing day to my db's girlfriend ' grandaughter is a bit cheeky and does't look you in the eye but is not a bad kid really. ' is this a bad thing to say or am I overreacting?
So sorry for long post. Very cathartic!