First relationship after separation, why does everyone disapprove?

[PeepToes]

Hi
I havent been on for a while, but long story short, separated from H after years of emotional and physical abuse 12 months ago. Have 3 young DCs, and relocated to home town, got great new job, fabulous house, so life on the up. Have now met a new man, who I have been seeing for anbout 2 months. I get on very well with him, and he treats me like a goddess! He is divorced, with 2 DCs who live with their Mum, and he works in the military, but is due out this year. He has met my DCs, and they adore him. He only stays over when they are at their paternal Grandparents.

So, the problem I have is this: my parents, and my single friend I have become close to are concerned things are moving too fast, that he seems awfully serious, and that he is being disingenuous wrt his intentions for me. They feel he is only with me as I am a "good catch" and that he sees me as a meal ticket, since he is due to come out of the military this coming year. I feel stressed, as I do really like him and feel I have fallen for him, and see a future for us. I'm not sure what I'm really asking, maybe is it too early to tell, could they be right??

Thanks for your advice!

Why are you a "good catch" ?

Ignore the jealous around you and focus on the relationship. As long as you feel confident about him it should be okay. Is he going to move in with you after his discharge ?

I would also like to add, that my brother and his girlfriend like him, and my bestest friend from school and her partner met him, and like him, and that they feel he genuinely likes me, and that he "gets" me. So not all doom and gloom. just want everyone to approve - I'm 37, what's that all about?!

Hi NBTT, I'm a "good catch" in their eyes as I'm in a good job, as I'm a GP. I guess my family are concerned that he will move in once he's discharged, and maybe he wont get a job etc.

Only you know that, Peeptoes. What are his plans for the time when he comes out of the military? Has he asked you to lend him money/said he wants to move in/is he making plans without consulting you? Sometimes relationships do move fast and they are not necessarily the "bad" ones, but of course they might be. If there is an imbalance in financial situation, it might cause problems (sounds heartless but there it is). Will he be able to find work? If, for e.g. (and I don't know what you are thinking) he expects to move in and live free without a job then red flags a-plenty. I think you have to wait and see - in your situation, I would not rush into anything.

Well, you've kind of answered your own question: wrt him, it probably is too early to tell whether he's a good'un or a bad'un. I would hang fire and just enjoy it for now, using all the normal emotinal safeguards you would use in the early days of a relationship.

As for other people, remember their reactions may say more about their own insecurities/worries than anything else. Your parents are bound to feel protective of you aren't they? And maybe your friend feels a little insecure?

Thanks PeppermintPasty and Thompsontwins, He hasnt asked for money and is pretty well set up financially. We probably earn about the same. He has mentioned us living together, as I will be looking for a house when I get myself off the house mortgage of my marriage, and has suggested a fair amount of money towards a deposit. He has also been looking into work, and there's a high probability he will get work for some software defence company that are settling up locally. He knows that I dont want a house husband etc, although that might be nice..!! My friend is jealous, as we have been going out regularly, and she sees an end to that, but I have tried to reassure her we can still go out etc. My folks are probably worried that I will give up my hard fought for independance.

They all mean well I guess. I think it all sounds fine. It is harsh when people make assumptions without meeting the person in question. My family made some pretty hurtful remarks about my OH when they first heard about him. Their main concern was that we'd met online hence he must be a nutter. Once they met him though they all loved him and have accepted him as one of the family proudly referring to him as their "son-in-law". I wouldn't pay any attention to their worries for now, not until they have met him and given him a chance.

If they are still concerned though then perhaps you need to look at it more closely. Are you moving too quickly? Moving in together while still in the honeymoon period could get quite messy if it all went wrong. It could be quite difficult for your children too.

Peeptoes,

I can see why your parents and friend would be concerned but it is your decision ultimately re this man.

He mentioning you living together eventually would make me feel very anxious indeed due to the current short time frame you have been together.

How much do you really know about this man and his background?.
He has already met your children; that was probably not a good idea in hindsight. They don't know him properly so you cannot really put that they adore him, you don't know him really either at such an early stage.

Take it one day at a time; you do not have to rush anything here. If he is good and kind he will understand this; you are not seemingly legally divorced yet. Both of you have been hurt in previous relationships too, all that needs to be worked through and I was wondering whether you would ever consider going on Womens Aid Freedom programme. This is for women who have been in abusive relationships.

2 months is way too soon to introduce him to your kids. That's probably one of the reasons why they are worried about you. I think you need to slow things way down.

Hi thanks for all your thoughts. I know it's early days to introduce a new man to the kids, but they are really little, and I just wanted to have a normal life etc. It's actually been my biggest concern, as I keep reading leave it 6 months anyway etc. I dont know. But I do appreciate your advice, so thanks!