lost friends since having DS

[Jinglejingle]

I have always had very close friendships with lots of lovely women. I do not fully understand why, but since having my little one, i don't feel like i want these friendships anymore.

One very close friend had a baby at exactly the same time. I think she suffered from PND and it was quite difficult in the early days (when it is so hard for everyone) to be there for her fully. She always wanted to talk about the negative aspects of having a baby and I didn't want to do that as I was finding it tough but on balance was enjoying it and thought that if I moaned about the tough bits all day it might become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Another friend became quite bitchy after I had LO and basically said a few times that me having a baby had made her want to wait because she had seen how much I had changed. After that comment, I found it hard to share who I was with her.

I think part of the issue is that I know they are all very judgemental and gossipy and I am a bit unconfident as a mother. I am always sure that if I share any doubt I have, it will get analysed over a glass of wine somewhere! For those of you who think I'm being paranoid, a couple of poeple have said things which suggests to me that, when I am absent at social gatherings because of LO, I have been discussed.

So now I often feel lonely and strange. Up to this year, I have always had loads of friends and very deep genuine friendships and now I don't talk to anyone about how I really feel about things in life. My poor DH has to listen to all my thoughts/worries.

I didn't do any NCT etc before having DS because I thought I would keep my friendships and now I'm not sure if I regret it. Although, when I have met up with other new mums, I find the conversation soooo repetitive and boring (even if i can tell that there is an interesting woman underneath the mundane chat of formula, nurseries and first birthdays.)

So now I've lost my confidence socially. Any advice at all? Has anyone had a similar experience?

If you like the other new mums as people, keep making an effort and try and steer the conversation away from babies occasionally, even if it's only for a short period of time, if there's anybody you particularly like try asking them over for coffee and you'll find the conversation will progress if you have other things in common.

When you say the others have talked about you, do you think it was in a negative way? Perhaps they were just concerned.

I think that positive and negative major life events (having a child, losing a parent or a partner, losing your job or home) can shake up your perceptions about what was 'good', 'fun', 'worthwhile', 'interesting', 'fulfilling'. That shake up could be interpreted as 'losing it', 'mental illness', or 'a creative break through', 'seeing things more clearly', 'an opportunity to free yourself'.

Not to say you'll never hook up with these people again and enjoy their compnay. But maybe this recalibration process is natural and useful.

Also, I think it's a myth of modern society that hanging out with lots of like minded people is positive, and people who can't/won't do it are the odd ones out. People are kind, generous, fun, sexy, inspiring. They are also be cruel, selfish, judgemental, gossipy and superficial (myself included).

I hear you, OP. No wisdom to add, but just to say that you're not alone. I haven't even had my baby yet - am 30 weeks pregnant with my first - and have already lost some friendships I thought were strong. I'm 39, we hadn't planned to have children until very recently and conceived unexpectedly quickly, and we had a lot of childless close friends that I assumed were happily so, like my partner and me.

When we announced we were expecting a baby, we discovered that some of them had desperately wanted children but been unable to have them, were sad they were single and fortyish and worried about whether they would ever have a child, or had various complicated/negative emotions around us having a baby. I feel as if I've somehow changed 'category' for some people I thought I had a good, close relationship with. Two friends I previously saw regularly have not been in touch since I told them I was pregnant, back in September. I appreciate that for some people my pregnancy constitutes an upsetting event, and I try to be sensitive to their pain, but I'm also pretty hurt about it, if I'm honest.

wow thank you so much guys. It really helped to read your responses. HC - I found your post really sad to read so suggest you read IIHTY's response which made me think through the problem in context. The truth is, I am happy with my little family life. I have good friends who take me as I am and don't expect me to be the same as I was when I was 15/25 and I just need to relax. I just need to gradually drift away from the others and if, at another point in time, they drift back again, I can take it from there. HC - hope the hurt feelings pass soon.

Thanks, jinglejingle, I'm basically tough, and doing fine. I'd anticipated friendships going into abeyance after our baby is born - sleeplessness, different priorities, being out of the workplace etc - but I didn't think that other people would be starting to cut me out of their lives as early as four months into my pregnancy! It's OK, though - I think part of what I'm having dififculty with is realising there was a whole side to several apparently happily childless friends that I'd never known until I got pregnant.

But let's embrace the changes. Good luck to you, too!