I'm not sure why I am feeling so uncomfortable about this.

[ElectricSoftParade]

My DH and I have been having a bit of a shaky patch lately. We went out for lunch on NYD with DH's DB and his wife who I have had a really good friendship with for approx 6 years.

After we got home and after several drinks throughout the day, my DH told me he has been confiding in SIL re: our marriage and some of his concerns. I was not impressed and told him I felt a bit betrayed by him doing this. He thinks I am over-reacting and that he needed to speak to someone to get his mind straight.

If it had been anyone else other than SIL, I think I would feel it is not too many conversations away from "My wife doesn't understand me". I do not have any concerns re: DH and SIL but this has left a nasty taste in my mouth.

I'm not sure what I would like to gain from this post but am wondering whether I am over-reacting or if I am feeling this was because it was a betrayal? Please give your opinions if you have any on this! Thanks.

I can't judge why you were uncomfortable with him confiding in SIL specifically, but what I am uncomfortable with is the way he dismissed your feelings once you expressed them.

I think this is a tricky one. I completely understand why you feel uncomfortable but I if DH is close to his sister in law he may have been looking for a woman's perspective and understanding. Could the situation easily be reversed? Who would you talk to? Would your DH feel that was a betrayal.

I wouldn't be overly happy if my DP discussed our relationship with someone so close in the family wise way. If he confided in a friend out of the family or not so involved in my life, then I would accept that as I confide in a close friend.

I'm with HairyGrotter on this one. I wouldn't be happy he did this either, I'd find it rather embarrassing to be honest.

Sounds like he has crossed a line - see this quiz:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

It will help you understand why you feel uncomfortable and you do need to listen to your instincts...

I think I am upset by this because I have been trying to talk to DH and he is just blanking some of my concerns. I realise he does need someone to talk to/vent but I just feel SIL is to close to home really.

We are having a "talk" this evening and I just would like to try and get my thoughts in order, so I am able to present exactly how I feel and why I feel it.

Thanks for your replies and I am off to do that quiz. Thanks again.

For me, yeah, would be far too close to home. I totally accept that we, as individuals, often need to talk through things with someone unrelated to the relationship, possibly before broaching it with our partner, to get different perspectives and so forth, but to talk to someone directly connected, eep, leaves me very uncomfortable.

It would be unacceptable for me and if the situation were reversed it would be unacceptable for DH. If I want a man's perspective on our relationship I get DH's because ultimately he is the man I have a relationship with and it does not matter what any other man thinks, feels or how another man behaves, it is DH I have to live with, compromise with etc etc and vice versa.

Also the fact that it is SIL is just too close to home, could impact your relationship with her and DBIL. What does DBIL think/know about all this by the way?

I think I would prefer DH to talk to someone who actually knew him and me.....imagine if he said he'd been talking to a woman friend in the office...I think that would be far worse. At least SIL knows you as a couple and might have had some useful observances.

Its tricky isnt it. Ideally OPs partner would have spoken to the OP. We are always telling people on here to get some RL support from family and friends. we dont know what the problems are, so its hard to judge whether they were the right 'sort' of problems to discuss with his sil. we dont know how long SIL and BIL have been together, how long he has known her/what their normal relationship is.
I agree that dismissing her concerns isnt right, but the issues are more that there are problems in the marriage, and that should be the primary focus, not diverting it away from that onto who was spoken to about it.

Nettle I agree the priority is to work out what is wrong and how/if we can fix it but I feel a bit, god i don't know, side-lined. What I mean is that I have approached DH about our issues but he, usually, does not want to talk about them and has chosen to discuss them with SIL, which I suppose is reasonable. I don't want to try and stop him having discussions with anyone but I really feel uncomfortable about who he chose to speak to. Not sure if BIL was involved in their conversations.

I understand what you are saying Beachyhead and I agree I would be very, very upset if DH was discussing our marriage with, say, a co-worker. But I just can't shake this uncomfortable feeling I have.

I just wish he would be more emotionally open with me. That is a huge problem.

If you think communication is an issue then do consider relate counselling.

I think your instincts are trying to tell you something isn't right.

well then that is a problem if he wont discuss the problems with you, and I agree with you.

Well I would be livid if DH chose to speak to someone else about our problems whilst refusing to discuss them with me.

Situation would be perfectly understandable if it was you that was not communicating perhaps. But to talk to SiL and then block off you and he having discussion is totally unreasonable. As Nettle says asking advice in RL is generally a good thing. Telling someone in RL close to you is important when there are serious problems - affairs, abuse or violence - that mean the trust between you and OH has been destroyed by his actions. Think you should sit down with him and say if you have a problem, I'd really appreciate us talking first, then perhaps hearing what SiL's advice is - assuming it's constructive.

If he were talking to you and then discussing that with SIL I would think that was all right. I would be comfortable with DH discussing our relationship with my DB's wife, but as he won't discuss with you in the first place, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth, isn't it? Have you tried to put it to him in that way, that he should discuss things with you first and then if he has any problems, talk to someone else. If he doesn't talk to you first then he doesn't give you a chance to put your point of view or have an exchange of ideas.

Many thanks for your replies. I am off to have a think about what I want to say this evening. Your replies have been very helpful, ESP.

i think if he's going to talk to anybody outside the marriage then his brother's wife seems like a really good choice actually.. he probably feels she is 'family' and totally off limits sexually so a safe person to talk to.

the problem is not imo that he talked to her, it's that he's not talking to you, but if i were you i'd try to see it positively and ask him if now that he has spoken to sil, can he now please articulate his feelings to you...