My Husband has recently started on his journey in bettering himself. He finally sought help for his temper a few months ago and was put on pills to stop him getting angry (Fail).
I could use some support and advice as to what to do. I feel very vulnerable, embarrassed, scared and guilty posting about this so please, please try to be kind.
I've put up with it for so long (Nearly 9 years) because I love the man and because I suppose I'm used to it as I came from a dysfunctional home. Dad has drink problems, Mum enables it and my childhood was shocking. I'm also disabled and was widely bullied at home and in the community and to this day I have to deal with snide, smart-ass remarks about me. I also have to deal with my parents being in deniak about my life and making me feel guilty for my feelings.
It's transferred to adulthood because I've always felt immensely guily about feeling badly toward my husband dor his actions and he is also unable to take responsibility for them.
BUT
I have been in therapy for a year and my wonderful psychologist has helped me to gain the self-confidence that I was never raised to have.
My disability (partial sight) was used as a weapon against me by my Mum to ensure my dependence on her. She never taught me to cook but I could make her coffee from age 7.
She was horrified and shocked when I moved out at 19 after another violent altercation with my Dad. I met now DH 3 weeks after moving out and we ''clicked'' from the get-go.
While I've always thought of him as my best friend, our relationship has been me trying to get him to stop yelling at me. He has hit me before kids and once when pregnant with DD1.
Since then, it's been verbal abuse and thumping around with him getting offended by me calling him out for it.
Constantly trying to gague his moods so I can see if it's OK to ask him a question has become too much. He says I'm strong because I stand up to him but I'm as far from strong as you can get. Shouting the odds and saying what you think is acceptable isn't strong. SHOWING him by kicking him out would b strong. Having 4 babies in 4 years with a man who would speak to me this way is about as far away from strong as you can get.
He finally went for help when I told him that I was turning into my Mother by putting my kids through this and had to stand up for them if not for me, no matter what that meant.
He already went for help 2 years ago and skipped the appointment and things went back to normal (shouting at me / the kids / throwing his weight around)
The last bit of very bad was when he almost thumped me in front of the kids three weeks ago because he was just awake and I asked him where he'd put D1's school tights. And this is him ON meds.
Yesterday was the day of his appointment. He went mental at me over my casuallu complaining about being cold.
After his appointment yesterday we had a long talk. I think an impartial ear has done him at least temporary good. He's notr had the easiest of lives himself and I told him that this would only work if he was doing it for HIM and no-one else. He says he is, that he is hopeful and is glad and greatful to have me still with him through it.
I also said that I was becoming aware that I am in an abusive relationship and that I had the strength to kick him out if I had to. I also said that had he not gone to his appointment I would have asked him to leave yesterday. I brought up him almost hitting me the other week and he was very sorry but I said that I thought all of the physical violence was in the past and now I'm not so sure.
I said that I don't trust him because he lies about things and only tells the truth during a fight. He is manipulative and I have found that love is not enough.
I really don't know where to go from here. I'm his wife but I've felt for a while now that I'm excited about the prospect of living a life free from having to tiptoe around him instead of being afraid of raising the kids alone.
He is an otherwise wonderful man. He cleans, cooks and is generally fabulous with the children. He is also capable of being very loving and kind. At our wedding last year he kept saying how much he loved me and how beautiful I was even with a 6 month old baby bump draped in white! He cried with emotion the whole time (Yes, I'm sure he wasn't miserable lol)
What am I do do if he has an outburst in the meantime? How do I decide what degree of shouting is worthy of him getting voted off the island? I'd suggest living apart for a bit but he has literally nowhere else to go. It's fast not becoming my problem any more though. I'm 28 and I'm not spending the next 28 years being the same little victim.
I don't want the relationship to end. I just want the abuse to stop. I know he loves me and I love him. The children have great relationships with him too. But it is them I need to have the strength to consider first and foremost.
Everyone knows about his temper. His mum and a lot of my family, most of whom have been a great support in helping with the kids.
I wrote all the bad stuff through the years on paper and it looks horrific. There is much I haven't mentioned here. If I was reading it like someone else wrote it I'd tell her to run a mile! Easy to say when it's someone else's life though.
Is there any hope for our family? One minute I love him more than I can say and the next I hate hate hate him for all of it. For doing it. For making me feel like leaving him.
Please help. Thank you for reading. And pray that I have the strength to use this thread to map the situation instead of getting scared and guilty and having MNHQ delete it.