How do i move on?

[sadlonelymess]

Hi, first time poster but long-time lurker, please be gentle.

My partner of 10 years and father to my 2 children (aged 3 and 5) left me at the end of november because he couldnt cope with my so called neediness. He was either working all the time or out clubbing with his friends while i stayed home with the children. At the time i thought we just needed a break from each other and we would get back together after he got the partying out of his system.

On new years day he dropped a bombshell on me that he is seeing someone else, i am completely devestated and dont know how to deal with it.
In hindsight it is now patently obvious that he was having an emotional affair with her while he was still with me, he would lock himself in the bathroom to take phonecalls and guarded his mobile with his life, i was always accused of being paranoid when i asked to see it.

I know i can never take him back as he is not the man i thought he was, i just can't deal with this hurt, i am constantly sick and havent eaten for days, i am trying to hold things together for the children but feel like such a failure to them.

So please does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Oh lovie!

He has failed them - failed to be around for them, failed to support and care for their mother, failed by wrongly accusing you of "neediness", failed them by abandoning them for another life, failed them by lying to you - I could go on. Relationship breakdown is so hard (still struggling after two years to make the practicalities work but would never go back to X)

Hopefully others will be along with more words of support but my first thoughts are sympathetic GP you could talk to? Advice on what financial support might be available, if needed. Legal advice on the family home and your rights. Take time to nurture yourself and your lovely kids. They are probably going to be better off not growing up in the same house as such a selfish, self-absorbed man. I do think regular contact is important - is that sorted out. It took me ages to get X to commit to routine for that but he does now.

Hi, so sorry to hear this - but as a long time lurker you know how common this is - and how we do survive - often going on to be stronger and happier without the extra baggage of the ex.

Keep in mind that you have not failed your children, he has. You do need to eat and put your own health as a priority if you are to be there for the children. If you can think of nothing else think about what they need right now - they have effectively lost him and they need to have you as happy and healthy as you can be. Have you got any family / friends that might take the children for a day so that you can sit down with someone and talk this through? Just a day with a good friend having coffee / lunch / long walk. Choose someone who is a good listener and doesn't try to give too much advice - you need to work out what you need to do.

From my experience (my kids a lot older and we'd been together 20+ yrs) the more you can keep things amicable the better for them and you. Resist the temptation to throw things at him or verbally slag him off when they are around (save that for time with your friends and a glass of ). Good luck, you can do it!

It isn't your fault it is his.
You are not to blame for his infidelity. If he was unhappy there are 100 better, kinder ways to end a relationship. All you can do is look after yourself and your children. Long term karma will come back to bite him. Phone friends whenever you are feeling low, make plans for days out. Make the closest family unit you can with you and your kids, concentrate and their happiness and your own. Take care. It does get better xxx

You were not needy.

He was having an affair. Not an emotional affair. An affair. It's why he left.

Clubbing and partying while one partner is left at home looking after your children all the time is the height of selfishness, but of course he wasn't doing that all the time, he was seeing this OW - again the height of selfishness.

You will have to tell yourself over and over again that you are well rid of this selfish, lying twat and he is some other sucker's problem now. She's got no excuses though and it will be her own damn foolery - she knows he's a liar.

You didn't fail your children. He did.

If you ever have cause to speak to him about this again, tell him that you weren't born yesterday and you know plain well that he was having an affair before he left.

Thank you all for the replies.
I have the practicalities sorted out, as he left before in may, but came back after a week, during that time i had the rent changed into my name, it is more the emotional fallout i am struggling with, i am a sahm, i have a very supportive family, i just feel sorry for them having me lean on them all the time. I have no friends as i revolved my life around him :(
I have a doctors and solicitors appointment booked for next week and am waiting to hear from counselling. I dont know how access will work out as he works a very odd shift pattern and his new gf lives 150 miles away.
I have read so many other ladies going through the same, he followed the text book pattern, so angry with myself for not seeing it and being taken for a mug

You are not a mug! You just put your love and trust in a man who was simply not worth it. Are you doibnf fantastically well by sorting out the practicalities. Dont be afraid to lean on your family, you need to look after yourself and asking for some emotional support is absolutely fine, you say they are very supportive. Dont be pushed into agreeing what access is best for you and the DCs until you are ready. Sod the fact the gf lives 150 miles away. Thats not your problem its his. He needs to make that part of it work. Just one day at a time, ok? Am sending you ((hugs))

Hi, maybe we can help each other?? My partner of 15yrs told me it was over on new years day n that he has someone else. Im utterly devestated. I txt constantly, with not one reply. Over past 4days ive sent hundreds of txts begging n pleading. The last thing i had to eat was last saturday, which i now refer to as the last supper! When are the tears going to stop n the nought in my stomach go??? You are certainly not alone xxxxxx n ((( hugs)))

You are NOT a mug. People who cheat are manipulative liars. It's what they do.
My marriage was physically abusive - I put up with it for 15 years and finally found the strength to leave after I eventually found out about his affair.
At the minute, it is all desperately raw for you. Focus on getting through each day - are you okay financially for now?
And your family and friends will be glad to help you - you would do the same for them yes? Lean on them and let them help you.
This WILL all get better. You deserve so much more and there are loads of people here who have been through it and are living proof that you will survive. Don't worry about formalising access for now - it's far too much for you to think about and don't let him push you into anything. HE does all the running for now yes?
Take care and keep on talking to us.