Do I try and make this work?

[RestlessAndConfused]

I've NC as I don't want this to follow me around if I can't do what I need to.

Basically I am sick of DP. Everytime I decide that I'm going to ask him to leave we end up having a week or 2 where things are good and he's brilliant with the DCs.
When it's crap though it's awful. He has no patience with the DC's and the other night when DD woke up crying I heard him shouting at her to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. He can be really nice to the DCs then all of a sudden if they dont behave as he wants them to he turns and starts shouting and swearing.

They are very young. DS tells DP off for using naughty words, I take them into their room and give them a cuddle and tell myself I need to stand up for them.
He has tantrums over the slightest things, everyone has to do things his way or he spends the rest of the time saying oh if you had done it my way it wouldn't be going wrong now.

He doesn't do any childcare. He had them for a few hours the other day and it was the only time he has ever looked after DD who is 1.5.
He works full time during the week and says weekends are his time off. If I ask my mum to have the DCs for one night (every 6 weeks or so) he says I'm fobbing them off.
He only does housework if it builds up then spends the entire time moaning at me for not doing it. I do housework all day so he doesn't moan. It's never good enough, I'm not good enough.
The DCs apparently only play up for me because I let them get away with everything. They have too many toys in DPs opinion and we should throw most of it out.
I don't know why I'm posting tbh im sorry if it doesn't make sense.

I don't love him. I've been sleeping on the sofa since Christmas because I've been ill and couldn't lie flat and it's been quite nice.
The DCs idolise him. Despite the shouting and swearing. I don't know if I'm being precious about it or if it is a problem.

So um... what are his good points?

You haven't really said one good thing about him, and you don't love him, so it sounds like its over. You sound like you would be happier without him tbh

When he's on a 'good' moment he will play with the DCs for ages doing all the voices for their little people toys, he'll get DS dressed and sorted out some mornings, he'll get up in the night and sort out DS's nightmares,

I don't actually know tbh

What do you get out of this relationship now?. If you don't love him why are you still there?. A deep seated fear of leaving, money/housing worries children, apathy, a perceived shame that you;ve ended up with an absuvie partner?. It is likely to be a combination of things. No obstacle though to leaving is insurmountable. Womens Aid can and will help you here to leave.

I don;t think your children so much idolise as fear him tbh with you. Why do you think they idolise him; he is certainly giving them many mixed messages at the very least.

Why are you with him at all, your children are being emotionally harmed by this individual!!. His effect on you is also too apparant.

Is this really the life you want for yourself and for them?. They won't thank you for staying with such a man in the long term, both of you are currently imparting very damaging lessons on relationships to them.

"The DCs idolise him" is not a good point about him per se. Children are programmed to love their parents (or parent figure - you don't say if they're his). However it is possible to argue it is a bad thing if they worship a poor example of fatherhood.

No, RestlessAndConfused, I don't think you should try and make this work.

Hugs.

They are his DCs. There's also DSD and I dont care if I out myself now but I helped bring her up from a very young baby until she went back to her mums care and DP had a breakdown and turned into the arse he is today.
I don't want to be the one that stops my DCs seeing DSD, I'm worried about money, DPs reaction if I ask him to leave etc.

From what you have posted, it seems that you have made your decision and you just need to act on it.

Are there any positives for staying with him? You don't list any.

I don't think your DC idolising him is necessarily a good thing. He should be a reliable dependable rock who is there for them consistently, and therefore possibly a bit boring.

I like analysing problems and if it was me I would think about this in terms of risk.

What are the risks to you and your children if you stay, and what are they if you ask him to leave?

You could make a list of long term and short term risks.

Then whatever you decide to do, you could look at the action you could take to manage/mitigate those risks.

e.g. if you split, could you plan ahead so you know you can survive financially? Could you take steps to maintain contact with DSD regardless of your situation?

I would strongly suggest this book :
www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776 by Mira Kirschenbaum.
It will push you out of relationship ambivalence, which is the most horrible state and can swallow up a whole life.

Thank you. I've just ordered the book to my kindle and will have a look tonight.
Thank you for all your advice, I need to sit down and work out money, seeing DSD etc and that.

Go to entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you would be entitled to if you were on your own. Your children don't idolise their dad, they are scared of him and are desperately trying to please him. His unpredictability is extremely damaging for young children, they are walking on eggshells around him not knowing whether he's going to erupt or not, desperately trying to control their environment by appearing to adore him. You need to get them out of this toxic environment asap. Would DSD's mum allow her to have contact with you/your children?

I agree with neuroticmum - they don't idolise their dad, for god's sake! They are scared of him and must never know when the next scream is going to emanate from him.

Why would your children have to stop seeing your step daughter? They could see her when they're seeing him.

He sounds really awful, OP. I wouldn't live with him.