Secret online fetish

[herebedragons]

Just after christmas, I found a whole string of chats on BDSM fetish sites on our computer and saw on DH's bank statement that he was paying for the site. He's been going online for about 4-5 months (since our second baby was 4 months old) to ask women to humiliate and insult him. He's suffered childhood sexual abuse and thinks it is related to that. I've known him since we were 17 (over 20 years) and love him deeply. He says he's appalled at his behaviour, loves me so much, wasn't thinking about how this could hurt me and the DCs. But I feel so betrayed at the secrecy and his recklessness about us - about my feelings and what this could potentially do to our family. He says he knows there is this dark secret place in him and he has to find a way of dealing with it which is positive and respectful of himself and others. I want to trust him so much. I can't stand the thought of our family splitting up. But I'm scared. Will this always be there? I had a panic attack in bed last night because he was up late working and I didn't know what he was doing online. Does anyone have any experience of coming through something like this and being stronger? Please help. I'm feeling so alone and so scared.

Hmm usually I'd say that's too far. But it's clear he is quite a damaged individual. It's not uncommon for sexual abuse victims to seek out further abuse.

I think if you really love him and you can both understand each others pain. Then single therapy and couples could see him over come his demons and you could be happy.

Equally he may not get away from this need and you may find it hurts you too much to stay married.

Either way considering the back story to this, I think you should be ok. If you are both prepared to work at it. It will take commitment from him and understanding from you. But it's got to be worth a shot if you love him. Hopefully he can sort it out and stop the need for abuse and humiliation in his life. That is so sad. Actually.

Thanks. It is really sad and I'm torn between feeling so sorry for him that he has to suffer from this his whole life, and knowing that I need to have expectations for my own life and relationship and children as well. He did have therapy in the past which helped him a lot. I think we need to look at that again, and couples therapy to help rebuild some trust. Thanks for telling me its got to be worth a shot.