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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When / how did you know when your marriage or relationship was really over ?

47 replies

Fakeblondie · 04/01/2012 10:20

After 20 years and 2 children I think its over . I'm so emotionally attached to my DH obviously after so long, but for many reasons I am thinking maybe we would be better happier parents separated.
I care deeply for him and don't want to hurt him .
he is keen to stay together even tho he is aware very much that I am not happy.
We are attending relate.

Its very scary . . How did you know ?

OP posts:

bodaba · 06/01/2012 22:16

Suspected that my XP was leading a double life; presents had always been fairly romantic and fun! Changed over the years to functional and useful - received an omelette pan for my birthday a few years ago; I don't eat eggs! It was obviously so that he could flambe for the OW when I was away!

cheesesarnie · 06/01/2012 22:42

flanelle-is it wimpy to admit that i wish dh would say that!

Flanelle · 06/01/2012 22:44

Nope! I was so relieved - jumped at it like you wouldn't believe!

Flanelle · 06/01/2012 22:46

I think it's going quite well for him and his new girlfriend at the moment. She seems nice, but they are both still doing party manners. I await developments with interest.

cheesesarnie · 06/01/2012 22:50

arf

sorry op im hijacking

ThompsonTwins · 06/01/2012 22:54

I had decided that I would keep going in the marriage until my youngest child was 18. At the time she was 3. I realised that I was going to have a 15 year sentence, was completely worn down and just could not go on.

Flanelle · 06/01/2012 22:54

Start your own, cheese? Pick our brains

PishWife · 06/01/2012 22:56

I was going to work & he was going to visit a friend up north. We said goodbye at the railway station and when he was about 100 yards away from me he turned to wave. I waved back and found myself thinking, "I hope he doesn't come back."

cheesesarnie · 06/01/2012 22:58

i might flanelle but im always starting threads about it and getting fab advice and ignoring it!

akaemmafrost · 06/01/2012 23:01

pishwife that is pretty final.

Itsallgonetitsup · 06/01/2012 23:17

Some of these are making me really weepy. Am coming close to this stage but think I am a bit like cheese sarnie going on some of her posts.

cheesesarnie · 06/01/2012 23:44

shall we be wimps together i started a thread as suggested flanelle i'll find link

cheesesarnie · 06/01/2012 23:55

here

lovelydogs · 07/01/2012 00:38

Finished a 7yr relationship tonight. Monetary reasons.

Jasper · 07/01/2012 00:44

What monetary reasons?

lovelydogs · 07/01/2012 01:01

Mainly, me being taken to court for £30 that had bounced 3 times, me with the knowledge that he had just sold his house for £20k over the asking price, spent 7k on a treat for himself and making me feel eternally grateful for my £75 xmas present while he ummed and ahhed over spending a further 4k on himself.

redhead24 · 07/01/2012 20:32

I feel really reassured to hear that when a marriage doesn't work that not only did you get out but that you rebuilt your lives, met a new partner husband and in some cases had more children.
I have to admit, I am frightened that will not happen for me - the old 'safe' place.
My husband and I are over, we both know it. He's stalling, but then again so am I.
The strangest bit is that we'd been apart since July just seeing one another once a month (in different countries due to work) and nothing between us. Then I sorted out a home for me and the kids, new schools etc.. and we discussed the whole seperation thing, and divorce..... and then we end up in bed together! WTF!!!
And it happened again over xmas!
I do have feelings for him, he's a great dad to the kids, and tbh I think I was just missing a bit of nooky and so was he.
He says he still loves me and that it's me who wants to end things as I'm not happy, but he gets 5 days off over nye, doesn't tell me until they start. Find he's down his folks place and out with friends. Tells me he couldn't have afforded the expensive flight over - to find the account emptied by nearly £200 in two days while he went out on the piss. And money is extrememly tight between us at the moment. I was furious.
our marriage is such a joke.
Can anyone tell me how expensive is a divorce? I've looked it up, and we can't do a DIY one as we have children.
And to do a seperation on 'unroncilable differences' we have to have been seperated for two years! Can I not do anything to get the ball rolling before then? And I am on assistance financially as he doesn't earn enough and dc are too young for me to return to work (can't actually afford to).
Am I stuck in this marriage forever :(

Flanelle · 07/01/2012 23:13

I'm a drain on the state - housing benefit, unemployment whatsit, carer's allowance, the whole nine yards - but not forever. I'm actually better off than I was on the miserable housekeeping budget DH swore was all he could manage (he lied).

Jasper · 07/01/2012 23:57

well done lovely. I hope you go on to recover your joy x

bodaba · 10/01/2012 01:01

Had such a wonderful dream last night; everything was back to normal and was curling up with laughter with my beloved X. Reality is that he was leading a double life and couldn't give a toss about me!

The dream was great!!! Adore him!

Lovingfreedom · 10/01/2012 03:11

The catalyst was when I caught him stroking another woman's leg at a funeral party of one of his relatives and when I walked in he said 'oh no, here's myname'. Clearly there were many other issues but that was what actually led to me sitting up in bed at 2am and declaring 'I'm not having this any more'. Took five therapy sessions before I fully decided to make the move though. No regrets so far, despite difficulties and challenges.

worldgonecrazy · 10/01/2012 08:05

redhead24 you can still do a DIY divorce, even with children, as long as you and your ex husband can agree on how you want things to be, access, and other financial stuff. You just write this out in your divorce application. The courts are really helpful and very pro-DIY divorce so they will offer whatever help they can. I think if you're not working you can get help towards the costs too?? It's a few years since I completed the forms for both mine and my current husband's respective divorces so I'm not quite sure of the rules. My DH's ex wife used a solicitor (she got legal aid) but we still managed to do his bit ourselves, even though she applied for child maintenance - for a child who was over 16, out of education and who had lived with him for the last 10 years! We didn't even have to attend court to sort it out, just wrote what we needed to on our form and the judge passed it without challenge.

I had to wait 2 years for the divorce but it does fly by so don't let that be a reason to stop you. If you have been living apart, or no longer living as husband and wife under the same roof (separate beds, etc.) then that can count towards your 2 years too, as long as your ex doesn't contest it.

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