Please talk sense to me.

[totallyscunnered]

Re-post from Mental Health because I got no replies

I'm in a self destructive spiral.

I cannot get my head around my ex, the way he behaves, and I've ended up replaying a whole load of past stuff in my head and I can't stop thinking about it and I'm in tears if I relax my guard at all.

There's a massive history with me and my ex in-laws. They hate me, treated me terribly when we were married, he defended them (they were sneaky and sly and it was sly digs and comments when he wasn't around I was portrayed as a headcase, and a nutter and yes those were the words they used if I pulled them up on it)

My ex is a twat and puts his views and opinions over and above mine, always has, he viewed himself as the "senior partner" and me as the "junior partner" in the marriage. In other words, I had to do what I was told or I was subject to verbal abuse and withdrawal of affection and emotional blackmail.

So, Sunday night I had to drop the kids off after their week with me of the holidays - they are off til Thursday so he asked for them yesterday and I will have them today (he was off yesterday as Bank Holiday).

I did the usual handover at the door.

He asked me to step inside a minute and walked me to the living room where members of his family who I hate with a passion were sitting and said "Here's TotallyScunnered"

I felt so so awkward, said "hello" they turned their backs, snorted, and pointedly ignored me.

To be fair to ex, he had told them he was going to ask me in. He wants everyone to play nice and kid on we're all mates.

I am gutted. I'm struggling to come to terms with it. It's put me back where I was when we were together. I feel like i'm going to have a panic attack I'm playing over in my head every time they ever did it to me before and I want to do them an injury. Real physical pain.

To be fair, the ex is mortified and has apologised a million times and for once they did it in front of him and he sees it. now. After 20 fucking yeards. Why couldn't he see it before.

He says I have to accept he did it with the best of intentions and he didn't mean it maliciously or to hurt me.

I've told him that I don't give a fiddlers fart if he did it maliciously or not, what matters is the end result and how it makes me feel . And to put me in that position with no warning and not being sure of how they would react and the reception I would get is wrong. Just wrong.

Hi, I don't know what to say about how to handle your ex and his family but I didn't want to leave you unanswered. Really sorry this happened, it sounds horrid.

I wonder if you've had any counselling to process how your ex treated you? If you had bad treatment over a lot of years then I think it's understandable you are finding yourself going over it all.

I think it's normal to cry if someone treats you badly, and it sounds like you were not treated nicely for a long time.

I realise this is probably not going to be helpful right now. You are understandably upset. But. This is a good thing.

You have been vindicated.

He has seen.

Now it is too late for your relationship and you had 20 years of shit from them - and he sounds like a first class twat anyway.

But all those years where he denied your experience of them, all those years he defended them and finally, on Sunday night, they showed him!

Now, they probably felt that because you've split, they no longer need to put on an act in front of him! But just think about it. This is a good thing. He can no longer tell you that what you know to be true is not.

This could be a turning point for you.

I had couselling and it helped and I'd moved on from it and then he just figuaretively kicked me in the guts again and I'm back where I started. Or at least that's how it feels

Sorry my hands are shaking I can't even type straight

It's all about him thinking that he is always right and his views and opinions trump anyone elses once he's decided how something should be then that's what should happen.

And he finally finally gets that it isn't just about me it's about everyone and that I did nothing wrong for so long I had to listen to how it was all me I was over reacting and they couldn't have done xyz even though I told him how it was I was making it up, I was too sensitive blah blah and now he gets it. NOW he gets that the ones with the problem are them.

And it's too late

Xposts Hecate

That's how I'm trying to see it but I feel like what a fucking waste of my emotional energy you know? For all those years trying to get him to see and wanting to walk away from them and not being allowed (literally being manhandled and ordered into the car every two weeks minimum to go and see them)

hecate is absolutely right. i put up with a couple of years of blatant bullying and targeting from a 'senior' colleague, no one ever helped me or saw it as an issue they thought it was just a personality clash or me being over sensitive to him being just the way he is with everyone.

the day he finally, off his guard in a supremely smug moment in the middle of a staff room, said the most atrocious and unprofessional thing to me was actually wonderful. he was utterly exposed and i was vindicated and he could not take it back.

their supreme smug moment came from that you are now the ex so they assumed they could openly treat you with contempt and now he has seen.

i know it's awfully hurtful and all the old feelings have been triggered but they will pass. think back to the counselling and how you processed it before and repeat the work if needs be but i think this is the plaster of the old wound moment - it stings but it exposes all to healing? x

I know it's hard.

You need more counselling, or some help, to let go of this power they have over you. They are nothing to you. You are out. You are strong!

And he is a twat for all those years of dismissing you. You are well shot of him.

He is gutted. Really devestated. He came down here last night to talk to me and apologise and he was here for an hour and he was in tears and he's genuinely terribly upset for the way he treated me over it.

But I said to him I told you what they were like and you chose not to believe me and to let them put a wedge between us because you sided with them and you should have automatically believed me.

And I said who gave you the right to think that your decisions trump anyone elses? I told you I didn't want to go and see them and you literally made me go for years and years. Who died and made you God.

I feel terrible.

To clarify, he's upset not just for Sunday but for all the times he did it.

I sent him away with a flea in his ear and told him to bugger off and deal with it on his own and stop off loading it on to me because I had dealt with it and put it behind me and i'd tried to get him to see it for almost 20 years and now that he did he could bog off and get over it on his own like he made me.

how fantastic that you were able to say all that to him! How great are you?! Well done.

His 'pain' at the way he treated you and what he lost (you!) is no more than he deserves. Like you told him, he chose to believe them and buy into all that 'you are mad' crap. Had he loved you, he would have had faith in you.

And it's not just about them. He treated you shabbily. Bossy, controling arse.

So now he understands what he lost. No, what he threw away.

Well. Good.

I love MN and every single one of you.

And I don't care if I'm not allowed to say it.

Hecate that put a smile on my face for the first time since Sunday night.

Thank you.

'I want to do them an injury. Real physical pain'

Do it, do it, do it.

Only joking (well, kind of). They deserve a slap with a wet kipper - you deserve much much nicer things - you certainly deserve to be rid of all of them.

Tee - I was so upset when I posted I felt like my heart was being ripped out through my chest. how dare they treat me like that.

BTW on Sunday night I just walked out. Didn't react - but at the door he tried to put his hand on my arm and started to apologise - I turned round hissed at him don't you dare touch me. he said he was sorry. Well he kind of looked at me with a totally haunted look and said I'm so so sorry oh I'm so sorry and said whatever

And got in the car and howled the entire way home.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better about it.

Just go on, with your head held high, knowing that he is filled with regret and that's his 'punishment'. He just has to live with that! Look fabulous, feel fabulous and have that serene glow that you only get by being justifiably smug (it's officially known as the ner-ner-ner-ner-ner glow )

And I said whatever

My typing is appalling.

x-post. You've let out that pain now. Now you can start to put it behind you. x

Love the NER NER glow

Have pm'd you btw

They were bullies AND SO WAS HE!!!. OMG manhandling you into the car to see then is disgusting tbh.

You are well shot of the lot of them you really are.
And what a girl with what you said to him.. FANTASTIC!

everyone

I'm angry with him.

I think.

Angry for all the times I tried to get him to see it and he wouldn't listen. Angry for the way he treated me.

And angry with myself for letting him.

All over again. And I was past this iyswim?

Oh fuuuuuccccckkkksake I need to get a grip

You weren't 'past it' because you'd never had that (I hate myself for using this word ) 'closure'. He'd never accepted that you were right, that they were treating you like this. Now you have that and it is NOW that you need to begin to put it behind you.

And his treatment of you - which babyhammock sums up perfectly - he bullied you. You have now shown him that you aren't going to be bullied. you stood face to face and you told him exactly what you thought of him and what he'd lost.

So you've dealt with that now too. You stood up to the bully.

This is a great day for you!

Hecate that's very true.

As usual, MN is right

I had put it all in a box and thought well I never have to see them or interact with them again so I'd put a lid on the feelings and this has blown the lid off.

Good.

Things in boxes are never dealt with. They just sit there on your shelf, staring at you and reminding you of all the crap you've got hidden away in them.

I was thinking fancy wicker type box not cheapy clear plastic from the pound shop

my boxes