Sex!!

[BellaBoo85]

So I'm kinda wondering what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm scared of sex. And not just sex ~ kissing, touching, any kind of affection has me running for the hills.

I have 2 DD's, youngest is 7months and not DTD since before I was pregnant.
I can't bring myself to do it.
I don't know what it is, maybe just the thought of it, or the closeness I don't know. I can't understand it in my head so I guess can't really expect anyone else to.
I'm just wondering where to go from here. What do I do to make it all be normal again??
I don't think OH will put up with me for much longer. With that and my PND I think he's going to be ready to walk out soon.

Guess I just need someone to tell me how I can change...I've no one to talk to about it, and finding it a 'little' bit embarrassing
Thanks in advance x

The first thing that will help is to realise that you are not some kind of freak and it's actually fairly normal and happens to an awful lot of women, your partner needs to know that too.

Have you had your babies in fairly quick succession?
Is he pressuring you / being nasty or is this coming from your state of mind? it can't be easy with PND, I've not suffered from it but have read enough accounts on here to know how devastating it can be, are you getting help for it?
This isn't about you changing, it's about having the help and support you need to get well again, your partner must put his libido way down the list of priorities right now and put your needs first, just like you would put his needs first after a long period of illness and /or depression.

I would agree that this is not uncommon. It sounds like you are anxious about intimacy, not just sex, and that could be for any number of reasons, not least PND. I would suggest that you speak to your GP initially who will at the very least be able to reassure you and possibly may refer you to other services who can help.

Hi. Thankyou both for replying (and saying I'm not a freak!!)
There's no pressure from OH and although he's not being particularly nice about it he's not being awful either. I guess he's just fed up. I don't think I'm very easy to live with at the moment but then neither is he. He doesn't give me much support, if any, I don't talk to him about the PND because for one he doesn't get it and two he'd hold it against me and I think it'd drive a bigger wedge between us than there already is.
I am getting treatment, recently had my meds changed as others weren't working and I have counselling too.

There's 4 and a half years between my DD's so didn't have them close together. Oldest DD isn't my partners but he is amazing with her.

Anyway I'm going off the subject completely.
Maybe if we got along better, maybe if I didn't feel like this, maybe if he supported me, maybe if I wasn't so selfish then things would be different.
I just know I need to change. And I know it's me that's got the problem.

Maybe seeing my GP is a good idea. Might need to get over the embarrassment factor first.
I don't know. Just wish I could do it myself. I don't know what happened to me.

Thanks again for your replies x

Bella there seem to be lots of different issues here. Are you able to talk with your oh about how you feel.

Firstly, the PND is a medical fact. He doesn't need to understand it just to know that you have it and you are receiving treatment for it (the same as if you had measles, or a chest infection). He has a role to play in your recuperation and recovery.

The fact that you say he would 'hold it against you' is a concern. Also, the fact that you say you are selfish and 'it's me that's got the problem'. What makes you thinks this, is this what he tells you? If he doesn't give you much support I expect you are worn out coping with a young child on your own.

No wonder you don't feel like having sex with this man. I think he needs to
Recognise your medical condition and help and support you with it. Appreciate and respect you as his partner and the mother of his child.
Do his share of housework and childcare.

It's no wonder you don't feel like having sex or being touched by him if you can't trust him to be on your side regarding the PND and don't feel supported by him.

Also I'm not sure how big the gap can be between "not being particularly nice" and "awful". Not big enough, I suspect.

It's not hard really for him to understand that being nice is a prerequisite to having sex.

He asks me why things aren't normal, why I'm not normal, what's wrong with me ~ so just putting the problem down to it being me. I guess he's not changed and I can tell I'm not the same. I don't want to sound like a complete idiot, like I'm feeling sorry for myself, cos I'm not. I just know I'm a complete different person to what I Used to be.
Maybe that's where the relationship is going wrong. I sometimes feel like I've opened my eyes and seen what he's really like and it's taken something like this(the PND) for me to realise he's not who I thought he was.
Or maybe I'm not who I thought I was.

I'm trying to work it all out in my head and getting no where

And no, I don't feel like I can talk to him. A lot of that is me cos he's big on talking about feelings etc and I hate it!!
Only just started being honest with my counsellor and HV and I find it different with them because they 'get it'. They understand and they won't be their to remind me about it for the rest of my life.
I guess saying that OH'll hold it against me is a bit concerning now you've pointed it out.
Surely I shouldn't think of it this way. I should be able to trust him enough to tell him.

Sorry..long post again x

He asks me why things aren't normal, why I'm not normal, what's wrong with me

There is nothing wrong with you. You don't want to be intimate with him because he does not show you love or respect. That is perfectly normal.

The counsellors you talk to 'get it' because they listen to you and don't judge you. How can a grown man not 'get' that a person is ill. What does he think doctors and hospitals are for then. I think he is deliberately trying to put you down and control you. Why, is not clear because he doesn't seem to gain anything from it.

It sounds like you have had a gut feeling about him which is just starting to become a bit clearer to you. I agree there is no point trying to talk to him if he is just going to twist what you say and blame you. You could make some small changes, though, and see how he reacts. Do you go out with friends much, without him. Do you get any time to yourself?

Wow you talk a lot of sense..it's feels so much better to get someone else's point of view on it. Thankyou

I think you're right. I could make some changes. I don't know what just yet but I'm sure there are many I could make.

I don't want to make OH out to be some terrible monster. He does do a lot with the girls but I think you've hit the nail on the head with a lot of what you've said. I think he does try to make me feel bad but is he getting his own back because I make him feel bad. Maybe I make him dread coming home because of how I am. I know he doesn't like being around me any more.
And maybe in some ways he does try to control things. But I'm not about to let him get away with it. I don't rely on him in any way to make me think I can't be without him. So it wouldn't work!!

As for going out and 'me' time, no I don't get as much as I'd like. I went out with friends just before Christmas but generally everything else I do involves me taking the girls. Like he plays football on a Thursday and we go to my mum and dads for tea . He plays golf/football some weekends, I have the girls. It's just how it is. He doesn't stop me from going out but I feel guilty for it when I do. Never felt like that when I just had my older daughter so not sure why I do now x

Bella it sounds like you have lost your identity along the way sometime during this relationship.

Have a think about what you would like and what you expect from him, then just tell him, "I've joined the gym and will be out Tuesday and Friday evening" (or whatever). Don't feel guilty, you have just as much right as he does to have interests outside the home.

Take some time for yourself. Have a lovely soak in the bath while he watches the kids. Take time to do your hair and makeup and appreciate your qualities. You can force a few compliments out of him by asking, what do you like about me. Unless he is a total arse he should respond by showing you respect.

If he wants intimacy tell him - if only I wasn't so shattered by all the housework and childcare. Boy, some help around the house might really change that!

Could you bring this up with your counsellor?

We have the 'I need more help around the house' discussion/argument a lot and things change for a couple of days then it back to square one again. He thinks that washing the pots after tea is all he needs to do!!

Maybe I do need to get a hobby (probably not the gym!!) and get myself out of the house a couple of times a week, without feeling guilty about it. I'm not me anymore. I'm not happy and smiley and enjoying things like I should be.
I'm just sad and lonely and tired and I know now that a lot of it comes from this relationship.

I've spoken a little about my relationship with both HV and counsellor, not in too much detail but I've made that many confessions of late that I don't think it'd just be me that another one would tip over the edge!!

Thankyou for helping x