Date Nights

[Servalan]

Things have got pretty bad in mine and DH's relationship, so we're thinking of trying to take some positive steps to improve things.

I know lots of couples have "date nights" every week or so. Just wondering about things we could do if we were to stay in for a "date night"

The only thing we can agree with so far is watching a DVD together. I had suggested playing a boardgame or playing something on the wii, but DH is not terribly enthused about those ideas.

Alcohol is out of the question because DH is a recovering alcoholic

Sex is out of the question because DH's libido has vanished into thin air - pretty much since we got married (it's amazing that DD ever got conceived!)

Having a meal together is not necessarily a great idea because we want to avoid time together meaning we end up having "heart to hearts" - really we need to find ways to have fun together.

erm... Anyone got any other ideas? Thanks

Cinema? You can sit, share popcorn, hold hands, no need for any deep and meaningful conversations unless you really want one on the way home.

Bowling, ten pin of course not the old lady type.

I think the getting out of the house and your home environment may be quite an important part of a date night so that you don't end up putting on a washing or something. Is there some reason that can't go out?

Getting out is tricky in terms of finding a babysitter. We are very skint, so wouldn't be able to afford one on a regular basis. I do have a couple of friends from church who I'm sure could help now and again, but DH hasn't met my church friends and is very funny about anyone he doesn't know looking after DD

take a day or half day from work and meet up in the local park / museum / art gallery - these places don't have to be fuddy duddy (Manchester has some great FREE places) or take a long dinner together? If he's not keen on the games idea, just ask him to participate in one for an hour or so (Cards? Scabble? Battelships?)

putting photo albums together, jigsaw puzzle, doing family tree, making a quilt.
oh dear sorry not very inspiring. Hope you think of something better.

Jigsaw, scrabble, cards? Although if he doesnt fancy a board game this may be a no go.

Watch a DVD, but make it like cinema - get popcorn in etc.

Hmm. Is he as keen as you are on revitalising the relationship? Because it sounds a bit as though he is finding reasons to turn down everything you suggest. I wonder if part of the problem is him being depressed - is he getting any kind of support for his recovery or is he doing it alone?
THough I do think MumofJZ' idea is a good one; if evening babysitters are an issue, having date 'afternoons' might be a better idea than being indoors in your usual surroundings trying desperately to jolly him into an activity.

Walking on the beach, or through a forest, climb a hill and admire the view together. Let the wind blow away your cobwebs, stroll along hand in hand, skim stones, race each other. Take a picnic and eat it in the car if it's too cold to sit out. If dh is ok to go in a pub, hot chocolate in front of the fire will warm you up. Even if you have to take the kids with you, as long as you're having fun you will all enjoy yourselves and you can take the opportunity to take family photos, maybe one of you will steal a kiss . . .

Well, I've managed to talk him into a letting a friend babysit (I remembered that lots of my church friends are CRB checked to work in the creche or similar, so he's feeling easier about it all now).

It is true SGB that I am the driving force of this. I don't think having intimacy and friendship in a relationship is as important to him as it is to me, but it has got to the point where if things don't change, we're splitting up. I lost it big time the other day and he knows I'm serious.

He is fine in his recovery - he has been drink and drug free for over 20 years, has support of AA - so that's not an issue. He does have a very stressful job and has had a couple of bereavements in the last year (though things were crap between us before that happened).

I have mental health problems (OCD) and am not fantastic to live with, though I've made a lot of progress in getting better over the last few months - have had a couple of set-backs recently which has caused us problems. I have also put on lots of weight since we got together, but again, I'm making good progress getting myself back in shape. It has been very easy for him to blame all our problems on my OCD and my physical appearance up to now. However, we BOTH need to change.

Anyway - that's the background - it's really make or break, but I want to feel that we've tried to sort things out rather than roll over and let my marriage end.

Thanks for ideas folks. Please keep the coming :)

We did date afternoons last year, and lunches outat cheap cafes.
But things didnt really improve until we went to Relate.

We quite often go out for walks - anywhere really, beach, forest, national trust type properties, parks. Anywhere we can get a bit of peace and quiet and chat about all sorts. Usually have lunch or fish and chips type meal. I find that if I'm feeling down, having a walk in the fresh air sorts me out. Our daughter just comes along but she's usually busy walking and chatting that DH and I can hold hands and chat iyswim.

Bit daft, but have you got the game 'Jenga' - you know, the one where you build a tower of little blocks of wood and then take it in turns to pull one out and place it on the top without making it fall over.

DH and I have bought this as we thought it might be fun, and even though you start out in competition, you end up helping each other and working as a team.

Just a thought. He enjoyed playing that and he doesn't like board games either.

I recommend Jenga as well, who would of thought little blocks of wood could be fun !

We've been enjoying playing Wii together. Long involved RPG things.

To be fair a) we're getting on well, notwithstanding normal pressures b) we used to play computer together way back before DC, so it's a natural thing for us to do.

What I like about it is
A) It encourages supportive relationship behaviours. e.g. It's quite obvious and rude if one person says "You idiot, that was really easy, you never do it right" - so I've been more careful of my language and phrasing to say more supportive things. It is a clear parallel to e.g. When I pranged the car, or when he had the kids and xyz happened - but in RL situations it's much harder to hold your tongue, hence why it's good to get extra practice on teamwork, not being critical etc. Does that make sense?

B) It avoids the dinner-out trap of taking time away from the DC only to find that the only thing you talk about is DC! It feels like more of a break to talk about the evil fire breathing dragon, for a change! We naturally end up talking wider about e.g. Old games, films, books, technology and so on.

C) It's not 'ruined' if DC pop their head round the door - the way that e.g. The mood in a film can be broken. It also doesn't involve extra work or expense (e.g. Needing to cook a 'special' dinner, and then being a bit vulnerable to feeling unappreciated for the 'special dinner' )

theres a good article about date nights on the MyFamilyClub website which might be worth a look,

www.myfamilyclub.co.uk/time/time-out/date-night-the-path-to-a-healthy-relationship-14939

We play a game called Carcassonne - it's good fun, not a typical board game at all.

How about making "fun" food rather than "romantic" food for dinner, eg stuff you can eat with your fingers like tapas, fajitas etc?