Relatives meddling in relationship

[LorelaiGilmore]

I'm posting this on behalf of my best friend, it's a bit out of my frame of reference so I thought I'd turn to mn to advise him!

I'll try to keep it short. He has 2 kids (DD 13, DS 11) from marriage that dissolved a few years ago. He's been seeing his gf for nearly 2 years. The kids have struggled to warm to her but they've made some headway.

His DD is particularly close to his SiL (brother's wife). DD confides in her auntie and he describes them as 'besotted' with each other. She has a lot of influence over DD. SiL has taken against his gf and is now doing her best to meddle and make gf out to be devil incarnate. Now DD doesn't want anything to do with gf and made a big scene at Xmas where she said she no longer wanted to spend any time with gf, and it resulted in gf having to leave.

All the reasons for people not liking gf seem to be quite superficial and he thinks it's just that they think she's not suitable for him.

He is talking about ending the relationship with gf as he doesn't see a way round it - any headway made with kids is destroyed by SiL basically. He confronted SiL and Brother about SiL's stirring and now there is a rift between the 2 brothers and nobody is happy.

Is there any hope?

Where's the dcs' mother in all of this? Do the dc live with your friend full-time?

Why have the dcs 'struggled to warm' to the gf? Is it because their loyalties lie elsewhere or is she not particularly empathetic to them?

DCs live with mum. Friend has own place where he has kids (custody is about 70/30). Gf has own place. DC's mum has moved on, got a new fella, there's no issue there - SiL remains in touch with her 'for the sake of the children' but not overly friendly.

Gf has never had kids and not very good at relating to them from what I can tell though I've never seen her and them interacting. She's on a learning curve but was trying.

SiL describes the kids as her 'babies' so I don't know if she's jealous of influence of another woman in their lives or what...

It sounds like the SIL has over-stepped the mark a bit. How, why, doesn't really matter. She was probably only being a lovely SIL to begin with, but the relationship has gone too far and she has also decided she has the right to decide who your friend can or cannot see by abusing the trust his dd has in her.

Does his exw know about this? How does she feel about SIL having such influence over her daughter? Maybe she can help?

I think your friend may have to gently and gradually withdraw his children from this relationship for a while, until SIL's influence is lessened sufficiently for him to be able to parent his kids himself without her muscling in.

He spoke to exw and they're considering counselling for kids. He can't pull SiL out of DD's life as they're constantly in touch on Skype, facebook and that sort of thing. Exw has no desire to tell Sil to back off.

I think your friend shouldn't break up with his GF just becuase his 13 year old is making a scene. Does your friend think his GF is suitable for him?

She is 13, he needs to have an open honest frank talk with her telling her she doesn't call the shots, he will be staying with hig GF and she will have more manners than to make a scene next time and get all stroppy.

Kids like security. Her dad needs to tell her that this is the way it is, GF is in their lives and will continue to be, and she needs to accept it and control her hormones more. As for her Aunty, she should know better than to stir tihngs up like this.

This is what I said overmydeadbody - but the trouble is he was already having doubts about the gf which I think they could've worked out and then it's like this is too much... Other issue is gf's mum is dying so bad timing, and she's pretty besotted with my friend. I feel so bad for her as she hasn't done anything wrong but it sounds like she's having a crap time at the hands of his family I've not actually met the gf but he is honest about her faults so I've no reason to doubt what he tells me about this situation.