I just stood up to my mother

[smushy]

When I was a child, my father used to beat me. It was not unusual for my mother to stand there shouting 'you deserve it you little bitch'. Roll on to this weekend. I had a huge row with my dp and was meant to be going to theirs for dinner. Long story shortened (I hope lol). I phoned to cancel. The row was unfortunately mentioned (stupid cow that I am). She said I was to blame (I wasn't although I played my part obviously) and I had to apologise to my dp. I was in bits after she'd 'put me straight'. My dp was shocked and horrified at how things had turned out. They would never turn their back on him blah blah.

Today she phones up demanding to know what I was doing all day in a tone of voice that let me know that she meant business. I laughed and made a few general comments about going for a walk to the shop, the girls doing the ironing for their pocket money and she still wasn't happy. So what else have you been doing all day? was what I got. So I asked why? Well how dare I. Cue snapping down the phone at me. She asked again and I asked why? are you trying to say I sit on my a*se all day? Well yes I do apparently and my kids do all my work for me. Like wtf. I'm to blame for my marriage breakup (I wasn't, he cheated but what she doesn't know is that I reported him for a serious assault). I'm to blame for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life. So I just said ' yeah well I've been a bitch since the day I was born'. My sister is her golden child who can do no wrong and she is the apple of her fathers eye.

Obviously I can't remember everything that was said and there's lots more but what insights into her behaviour can you give me. I know she is toxic but don't know exactly how or how to deal with her properly without being that frightened little girl again. Positive vibes this way that she stops talking to me for good this time lol.

I'm sorry for what you went through as a girl and in your marriage.

Is there a reason why you don't stop talking to her yourself?

Because they turn up at my door to 'sort me out', have shouted at me and dp in front of my children when I was pregnant reducing me to floods of tears. They are both completely paranoid. The phonecall I can handle but not them turning up at my door 'after everything they have done for me' to tell me that I need help, I'm heading for a breakdown, I need to be locked up. I'm afraid to stand up for myself. I am her doormat. I am hoping that will change this year though as I've just taken the first step and I'm 41.

Jesus Christ- I would tell her to stop contacting you and get a restraining order.

I hope things get better for you x it's wonderful that you've taken a step in the right direction!!

Did you know that if anyone turns up at your door and won't leave, you can call the police and have them removed? That's harassment, what you describe them doing. Which is a crime, for which they can be charged. You can also get a non-molestation order against them. Phone your local police station and ask to be put through the the family violence unit (or similar).

You don't owe your mother anything and don't have to take any abuse from her. None whatsoever. You also don't have to defend yourself against her if she attacks you verbally, you can just get up and walk away without a word. And if she gets in your face etc., you needn't say a word, you can just call the cops and report her for harassment and/or assault.

In any case, your parents beat you and your mother failed to protect you from assault. They're already criminals. You can report them to the police right now if you want to.

They only have as much power over you as you allow them!! Always remember that. Don't let them have the power to hurt you, they are bullies!!!

I wasn't expecting such a strong response. I've always bent over backwards to please others. I'm going to keep thinking about that LeBOF as it's probably something I need to hear.

Please please please, next time your mother behaves like that and talks to you like that, tell her to fuck off and treat you with some respect. You are an adult, capable of looking after yourself and your family. You don't need her but it sounds like she needs you as someone to bully. She is the weak one, you are the strong one.

The day I told my brother where to go was a happy one as I lifted a huge weight of guilt and misery from my shoulders. I wish this could happen for you too.

oikopolis - I didn't expect a post to bring tears to my eyes. I will read through everything with my dp later as I'm determined to stop being so scared of them. I was raised in the uk but now live in Ireland. I wish I could go back home but I can't leave. My children from my marriage mean that I can't go back.

oh smushy

when your parents are abusive (mine are too btw), you grow up thinking you deserve nothing, and have to basically make excuses as to why you have a right to live in this world, you have to please people or they won't love you. when really, nothing could be further from the truth. what i said in my post was just pure facts, nothing unusual... but because of your parents' influence, you find it emotional to read. i can understand that, definitely. i've been there. it's a shock tbh.

Your parents did wrong by you, and they brought you up in such a way that you would be less likely to ever challenge them. Like MrsWembley says, THEY are the weak ones, they are the ones that need someone to bully. So they brought you up to be the kind of person who doubts herself, and wants to please.

Now, as an adult, because of the way they brought you up, you feel so fearful about challenging them. But you know what? You don't need to be fearful, it's all an illusion. they lied to you, they took advantage of your trust when you were a child, and taught you to be afraid of them. But you are worth so much more than what they taught you.

They have NO RIGHT to injure you. No right. They can be thrown in prison for injuring you. You are a human being who deserves to be treated with dignity & respect. A court of law would find them guilty of criminal behaviour, so don't ever let them tell you they are permitted to act the way they do. they are not. and you don't need to stand for it, not ever. You don't need to be afraid. Your fears are part of the past, they're not a reflection of reality.

i hope your DP can help you through this experience too, and help you remember what's said in this thread. it's very painful, in a way, to realise just how badly your parents treated you, and how you actually didn't deserve it. in a way, it's easier to think you deserved it, because then it's not so complicated... but that's a lie. Your parents are ill at best, evil at worst, if this is the way they treat you. It's evil to watch your daughter being beaten, and to tell her she deserves it.

i wish you all the best. lots of love to you xx

bloody hell.

move to another part of the bloody country!

get a restraining order.

phone the police if they turn up on your doorstep and press charges if they hurt you.

This is not normal. It is not acceptable. You don't deserve it and your CHILDREN don't deserve it!

You do not have to have them in your life. And you know what? When they realise that you are no longer going to lie down and take it, my guess is they will turn their backs on you. Cowards do, when they realise they have lost their power.

Thanks. It hasn't been easy to read but I know you're all right. It felt good to answer back and not just take it. Then I felt great afterwards which was confusing as I expected to feel scared. I'm hoping I don't end up scared when they try to 'put me straight'. I prefer how I felt earlier today.

You poor love...this is terrible, just terrible.

I totally agree that calling the police is the correct course of action, if they turn up at your home. For what its worth, if my mother turned up here, that is exactly what I would do too.

Look on the Stately Homes thread on here. At the top is a list of books and websites that can help you. Especially the books by Susan Forward.

You do not need to be "put straight" you need these people out of your life, and the lives of your children!

Please look at Stately Homes...you will find comfort there I hope.

I just ordered a book but there were so many to choose from. I'll definate look that thread up thanks singingprincess

What everyone else said!

Get strong and get rid. They deserve NOTHING from you.

You have your family my lovely - your children, your relationship. The family YOU make and YOU choose, who treat you with love and respect.

Leave those losers to their bitterness, and don't waste another SECOND in accommodating them. And yes, restraining order.

Well done you for standing up to her for the first time. Be strong, get your OH involved and not longer take any shit from them. I think you'll be amazed at how quickly the bullies back off.

Psychodynamic therapy deals with the little girl whom still lives inside of you and childhood issues. Find the oldest most experienced therapist you can find in your area on the British Association of Counselling website. About £40 pounds per hour. 'Interview' therapists in their first free sessions before you decide who is right for you. You can discuss anything and everything. I hope this is your route out of the hurt and mess you feel inside. It's a very hard journey I've undertaken each week without fail for the last 12 months. But I'm worthy of peacefulness inside about my past and who I am now.

Join us on the stately homes thread in Relationships, swear, shout, nobody dare judge :) x

Good luck x

Well done you!

Well done. Good for you!

Well done for taking the first step! Especially after being conditioned for so long. It is hard to break your programming (I have someone close to me in a similar situation).

You can talk to the police about harassment - you call the non-emergency number - and the first step is usually them turning up the the harassers' house to have a little word. Then you have it all on record if it gets worse as a result. Describe the physical and mental abuse in the past and that it is mental abuse and harassment now. They do take it seriously.

But very well done - I'm so glad you feel better for it!