I don't know how to ask her what's going on

[Sadeyedladyofthelowlands]

I have no family living close by and only a few friends I would trust with my baby. The one girl who has her most is an ex-collegue of mine who has 4 kids of her own, she is extremely kind and generous with her time and helps me out with babysitting pretty much at a moment's notice. The trouble is she's been ill with cancer in the past 2 years and as far as I knew her treatment was over and successful. Although we have never sat down and had that conversation you would expect friends to have, she never talks about her illness and if I even ask a vague question about her health she brushes it off. She is very thin now and getting thinner, it's quite scary and I heard recently from a friend that she's still getting treatment but I don't know what for. If it is still her cancer I don't think I should be asking for her help as she has enough to be dealing with (enough anyway with 4 kids!)but she tells me that looking after my dd is one thing she really looks forward to.
I have tried asking her what her health problems are, she doesn't talk about it and so much time has gone by it just gets harder and harder.
What visible signs would someone having radiotherepy have?

Hi.
Its difficult to say what signs people would have if they were having radiotherapy as it would depend which area of her body is being treated really. Most people having radiotherapy do however get extremely tired.

You are in a difficult position. People with cancer experience a series of losses and many extremely poorly patients cling to their normal routines and roles. IF your friend still has cancer babysitting your child as normal may allow her to 'forget' just for a little while that her life has chnaged.

I guess I would continue to leave baby with her (unless I was concerned about the babys safety) but would keep these visits brief.

I think I would also raise the issue one last time and say that as a friend I am concerned about her and her health and if there is ever anything I can help her with that she only has to ask. Leave the door open for her.

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I've agonised over this. On the one hand she's a busy mum with 4 kids, possibly seriously ill and on the other she loves looking after my dd, likes helping me out (maybe she feels she is re-dressing the balance as she had her kids quite young and perhaps someone very kind helped her when they were small) and would acctually be offended if I stopped asking her for help. She acctually texts me regularly asking if she can take her for a few hours and I sometimes have to turn her offers down as I have plans.

I always imagined that cancer treatment took up a lot of time, wiped you out for days on end etc but my friend seems to rarely be unavailable if I call her.

I am very aware I might be taking advantage of a sick woman's good nature, but she is, at the moment, my ONLY support in the daytime and I'm only guessing that she might still be having these health problems. Plus she loves dd and dd loves her.

We have a very practical friendship, not much chit-chat. She has all her family living on her doorstep and a hell of a lot of close friends and despite all she does for me I don't think she'd consider me one of them. I used to be her boss once, this has kind of set the scene for our friendship. Would love to break that tho and get inside her head, she's a kind and wonderful person but all I am doing is take take take. Just want to get in and help her as she's helped me.

I think you are being a little hard on yourself. You aren't taking advantage of her, she asks to see your daughter and clearly loves her. You obviously also care about this woman, allowing her to continue to see your daughter means that you remain part of this womans life and you can continue to make it clear that you are always willing to help in any way.

Try not to stress to much, go with the flow, with or without cancer she is still the same woman who has always cared for your daughter and she wants to carry on doing so.

Thank you. You're very kind to advise me. I'm really grateful. I will definately do as you say, she does mean a lot to me, our friendship is a little one-sided and I think that's what bothers me most. Obviously I want to help her but I have given her every opportunity to talk and she has not taken it. Looking after dd does make her happy and if I was in her position I would want to do what made me happy.

You can only offer. As I said relax, go with it and stop beating your self up.

Hope it all goes well.

I'm glad to try and help mumsnet has supported me through some tough times (and still is!) so its nice to be able to give something back.

Take care