Wanting space - what does it mean?

[atosilis]

Going by some of the posts in other threads over Christmas, I have the feeling that 'wanting space' is a euphemism for 'having an affair' or 'just want to see if the grass is greener'.

I genuinely do want some space from my partner and there is no affair or desire to find someone else. I just need a break. I have asked for a 3 month rest and recuperation time and started looking for a room to rent. We have decided to completely stop drinking and have NO alcohol in the house for 3 months and see what happens then.

Does it always need to mean someone else?

No, it doesn't always mean someone else, but it often does mean that communication in the relationship has broken down and that it's reaching a point where it's getting beyond repair. If a relationship has hit a big problem, the best way to solve it is to talk about it and make steps to changing things. Having a break can often signal that one partner feels they're not listened to and is sick of the relationship. It might also mean that the partner doesn't want to sort the problem out - they'd rather leave and have time alone than do the hard work of sorting things out. That could be because they are so resentful of their partner that they don't see the point, or their feelings have dulled so much that being away from the other partner seems like a relief rather than a bad thing. Whether or which IME a break rarely leads to resolution of problems.

No. I totally need some space (see my thread currently running on here) and I can't think of anything worse than meeting someone else at the moment. I am totally off any radar off any sort!

Maybe for men it's different, perhaps when they need some space they mean that, but then again it's probably wrong to generalise.

I think it means that one person wants to end the relationship because it doesn't feel right but they can't put their finger on exactly what is wrong. A break means that you get used to not being with each other and see how you feel about it. If you miss them dreadfully you may want to try again. You do run the risk, though, that they won't feel the same.

A break also means that you can concentrate on achieving the things you feel you need for yourself, without someone else telling you what you should think, feel and do.

Good luck with the not drinking. Try to surround yourself with family and friends who will support you.

Yes, we are both drinking too much. I am having counselling for it, I so want to stop but I won't get better while he sits next to me and necks over a bottle - more at the weekends. I feel that we need to both get fit, healthy, sober on our own and then try again. I want to watch what I want, when I want, read when I want and see friends when I want. Lots of 'want' I know, but still NO intention of seeking a relationship.

It can mean different things to different people. To my ex "needing space" meant "I want to spend a few days getting shitfaced and still have you waiting patiently for my return!"
In my case, when I first met DP it was very full on and intense from the start. I had been happily single and quite set in my ways and after the initial excitement of being with him waned a bit, I felt suffocated and panicked and told him I needed some space.
After a few days I realised I missed him and needed him in my life so I phoned him and told him I was talking bollocks and could he come back.

I think I needed that time to make me see things clearly and I realised how much I loved him.

Although, saying that, my exBIL wanted a break and his new OW was already pregnant so I can see where it comes from. :(

You should be able to read what you want and see friends when you want even within a relationship OP. Is your DP quite controlling? Has he agreed to get fit and sober? It sounds to me like you're hoping for him to change completely in a few months - ie drink less, become less inconsiderate and controlling - and I don't think that's going to happen. Do you?

It doesn't always mean an affair but I think a lot of the time it does involve someone else.
I've been feeling like I want some space recently and I've got no one else on the go. I just want a bit of time to just be me. Another man is definitely not what I want!

In your case OP it's perfectly understandable: you want to address your drinking and your H doesn't want to address his, so you need to get away from him for a while and prioritize looking after yourself. What about DC, though, are there any? ANd who will look after them?

Totally get you op! Sounds as if your DP might be a tad controlling? Maybe some space of being able to do what you want when you want might help, but I would make sure you keep lines of communication open. Your dp might not understand what you mean and that could make things worse

He is a tad controlling but add 'needy' in there. We shall see how the next weeks pan out. My DC are in their 20s and OH is retired.

You are doing the right thing for yourself.
My ex was a drinker and he was very controlling and needy too. I think it sometimes goes with the territory. In his case he didn't like his own company (which I think is the root of why he drinks) and always needed that reassurance that he wasn't alone.
It got too much - I couldn't even sit on a different sofa to him, couldn't read, go on the computer MN. as for going out with my friends - God Forbid!!

It took me a long time to get used to the fact that DP doesn't go apeshit if I read a book when he is at home.
Just be prepared for the fact that he might not stop drinking and you might discover a whole new lease of life without him and the drink.

kaluki, think you've got it right here

In his case he didn't like his own company (which I think is the root of why he drinks) and always needed that reassurance that he wasn't alone.

Also, having a drinking buddy makes his drinking look 'acceptable'. Doing it on his own highlights that fact that he may have a drinking problem. He may not really be ready to face that yet, but it sounds like you are. You need to do this for yourself. You will also be able to think things through with a clear head and decide where to take it next. Cutting out the alcohol won't make those problems in life go away but it will make them easier to handle.

OK OP, if there are no small children in the equation it's fine to do what suits you. Your H is an adult and can look after himself. Best of luck.

Fairenuff - yes, he'll lose his drinking buddy

solidgoldbrass - thanks