sex sex sex - if only!

[howtoboilanegg]

(Name changed)
Anniversary this week. 15+ years together, 4 DC, but very little sex, ever. At the moment, once every three months?? (A few years ago, it was non existent.)
We are a good team for our family, and in very many ways get on pretty well, but this lack of sex is doing my head in. For years, I excused the lack of sex because of young children. But now they're older..

I can keep going through the day and suppress it by keeping busy - I have loads of interests, friends, work very hard keeping family life together. I take care of myself, slim, fit etc. On the surface no one would guess the deep sadness I feel at night time. I want real intimacy.

I have been to Relate in the past. My sexual self confidence was very low. I took a deep breath and told my DH what I needed. Much of day to day life which had deteriorated, improved as a result, which has helped and our sex life was kick started.

I think I am scared of having to raise the subject again. My DH, I believe, is a good man, a bit solitary, and cannot show affection easily. I am not sure he truly needs me (and I have told him this before) apart from running his family life together for him, which gives him great stability.

I think I feel I have run a marathon tackling this over the last couple of years, but realise I haven't got to the end of it -
Does anyone else recognise this sort of situation in their own lives..and what have they done about it?

(Sorry, long)

Hi howtoboilanegg, don't have much advice I am afraid as my relationship with my dh is difficult not to say non-existent at times (a lot of the time). However, pre our latest longstanding communication difficulties and resentments (we are now not sleeping together at all, and don't sleep in the same bed), we were in a similar situation to yours - slept together on average every 6 weeks and between those occasions it was as if it had never happened. We (or should I say he) reverted to being totally unaffectionate. This is one of my resentments.

Is your husband able to express affection with your children? My h is totally over the top about our 3 dc, very tactile etc... but with me, nothing. I think this is partly due to our problems, partly the way he saw his parents being together and his assumptions about marriage, and partly a control thing - not giving me what I want keeps me wanting as it were! I too feel that he does not need me emotionally at all. I find it very difficult to open up to him about anything.

I recognise what you say about keeping going with other things. However the sensual / flirtatious / loving side of our life is so important and it's really sad to have to suppress all those things so I feel for you (and understand!!!).

I suppose the obvious suggestion is going to counselling together (something my h would not do). Would your dh consider this?

I look forward to other posters' answers as well as the topic is interesting.

I hope you resolve your issues as your h sounds very lucky to have you.

P.S. My dh is solitary as well.

Thanks for your reply, feelok.

I am sorry you are in the same pickle! Yes, my DH is very affectionate to the DC.
Keep being interrupted here, so can't reply long at the moment. Will check back later.

Hi, I've started a thread which involves this very issue amongst other things. Dh and I are very affectionate with each other but it stops there. We have had sex 3X in 5 years . We used to be at it like rabbits but now I just cant be arsed and dh doesnt seem bothered (we had a long chat last night and he, apparently, is actually very bothered). I dont want a marriage without sex. I am in my mid-40s and would hate to think that my sex life is over. I dont know how to kickstart it tho. It all feels a bit alien after so long.

sarah67 can you not start at the begining so to speak? go out on dates, flirt a little with each other (nothing to full on to start) the odd shower together, just to be close and wash eachother, again, nothing to full on.....? To the others, sorry i can not offer an form of advise, i don't know where or how you would start with a man who was emotionally withdrawn :(

Know how you feel. Haven't had sex in 2 years and DH would rather be on Facebook on the sofa, at the pub til 4am or asleep on the sofa than be in bed with me.

Two books to read.... The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis (she has also just published The Sex Starved Wife) and The Sex Diaries by Bettina Arndt.

Knowledge is understanding. Both books blew my mind as the 'low desire spouse' Haven't had a chance to put the knowledge into practice as DH and I are separated (with sex a big factor). I really wish I'd come across these books before.

I didn't read the books LadyMedea suggested, but have heard they are good so maybe give them a go. You need to let him know how serious it is.

I left my marriage because of this - obviously there was more to it, but lack of sex, and more specifically him not doing a thing to engage with me or try to resolve the problem, was at the core. I think it's a symptom of something very seriously wrong with the marriage and I took my ex not being willing to sort it out as a breaking of our wedding vows as much as if he'd cheated.

I guess if its gone from zero a few years ago to once every three months now maybe there are some grounds for optimism??

Although everyone's case is different, and these things can be complex, sometimes I think one can over analyse. Having 4 kids around might be a sufficient condition in itself for sex to sink low down in the priorities of at least one partner, without there being any major deep issues. If one or other or both are a bit knackered much of the time there may not be much energy left for carnal pleasure. (Not saying that's true in your case necessarily - obviously I'm just speculating.)

Is it possible for you occasionally to get someone to look after the kids for one night while you go away to a nearby hotel or B&B? In similar situations my DW and I have found this to be quite life-enhancing ...

Thank you for the replies...
Sarah67 - I know what you mean about finding sex alien after so long...the fact that we are only about once every three months suggests to me that it still is. Sometimes it is very good, sometimes it is a huge let down - as if it was forced rather than natural. I didn't know about the books - but I will look them up. The Sex Starved Wife!! that's how I feel I am!!
I keep wondering if I should look elsewhere - which is not good, is it?
I agree that we must keep talking about it, and not let the subject slip under the carpet, but sometimes I feel you have to choose your moment, because it requires tact and time and gentleness to bring it up, and the moment is not always there in a busy household.

elusive camel - did you ever get to the bottom of why your DH would not engage with your concerns?

Hmm, I think it was a combination of a lot of things. He's a completelyfairly apathetic and passive person in general. Also, someone who is very closed and even secretive about his feelings. Hate confrontations and is not very emotionally articulate or mature enough to raise issues himself.

I would try discuss the state of our sex life and marriage every few weeks usually, or maybe once a month, in a variety of ways and try coax it out of him what was going on and he would always a) deny there was any underlying issue b) say he would do x or y but no, he never actually told me what the problem was (and god, I begged) and never followed up the next day on what he said he would do and never ever did a thing on his own initiative. He's had a storming sex life since we split though!!!

A few months ago, I had a real go at him for putting more effort into getting laid every week since we split than he did into sorting out our marriage in 3 years. That was a bit pointless and my emotional involvement in him was over before I left, but I just saw red over it one day

Elusive Camel.... I think we have been married to the same man ...