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Original poster

BF contact with STBXW

22 replies

squittypolitti · 02/01/2012 22:24

Hi MNers , not a regular poster but hoping to get some advice / reassurance from here . I have been divorced for 3 years and going out with a guy for the last 4 months who has been separated for 1.5 years. So far its been going well , although its early days he is saying he loves me wants to live together etc etc but i'm concerned about something and not reciprocating those feelings just yet !

His divorce is now going through the courts and hes not getting what he wants re maintenance payments ( he has 3 x DC Girls) so he has taken the extraordinary step of starting to text his STBXW constantly about the children as he thinks this is what she wants to hear ( he never used to do this btw!) . Ive seen the texts and a lot of them are pointless but nethertheless he is blatantly 'reaching out ' to her on an emotional level

My concern is twofold , first he is utinately doing this to get what he wants and this poor woman is probably oblivious to that , 2nd he is making out that he is single and is now being overfriendly with his ex as if to try and create a connection again with her to get her to change her mind re terms of the divorce.

My XH was not happy with the terms of our divorce but he never did had this 'tactic' towards me so I cant relate to how she would be feeling with this sudden stream of communication..... I'm also worried about how far he will go in his quest ... will he flirt ?? If he does this he would really be stringing her along and thats so unfair( of course if i found this out it went this far I would want nothing to do with him btw ! ) ..... so maybe I'm worried over nothing but ......do any of you have experience of men behaving like this towards you as divorce proceedings hotted up ? Did you fall for it / react to it emotionally or did you see right through it ? I hope she is intelligent enough to do the latter but tbh she has not met anyone new yet so I'm worried she will fall for it .... I know its really none of my business but just doesnt sit well with me rightly or wrongly !

thanks for listening

OP posts:
BecauseImperfect · 02/01/2012 22:31

Erm don't worry about if he goes further with her. Bin him and now. What a nasty,manipulative, devious little tossed.

Then on top of that only showing an interest in his kids because it suits his interests.

Lizzabadger · 02/01/2012 22:35

Bin him.

Doha · 02/01/2012 22:43

What a tosser, a real catch. I feel so sorry for hie STBXW.

Run for the hills OP.

peanutbutterjellytime · 02/01/2012 22:49

It doesn't sit well with you because you know how wrong his devious and underhand behaviour is.

Why on earth are you still with him!

BecauseImperfect · 02/01/2012 22:53

She's is still with him 'cos he's a nice guy really innit. He'd never do this to op. he's not a manipulative tosser at heart. Still as long as he doesn't flirt eh?

Flirting is the least of your problems dear.

Robotindisguise · 02/01/2012 22:55

He sounds like a treasure. You know why you're posting and what we'd say. Time to knock it on the head...

Original poster
squittypolitti · 02/01/2012 22:56

Hello ladies - thanks for reading and your advice ! - tbh I wont be with him for long if this continues - I'm going to take him to task on it again this week as we had really been getting on so well until this started happening , but tbh you are right this does bring up big questions around his devious nature so maybe the bin is the right place for him !

He's really scared he will end up with no money etc etc etc so he is acting a bit like a cornered rat at the moment

I just keep wondering if she's clever enough to work out that he is trying to manipulate her to get what he wants ...... or rather hoping to god that she is and tells him to sod off ! thats why i was interested in whether anyone else has seen this type of behaviour from guys going thru divorce proceedings before and whether they wised up to it .....

OP posts:
ClaraSage · 02/01/2012 23:04

Is there a chance he might want to get back with her?

To be honest, I wouldn't worry too much, she probably knows him and his nasty ways and that's why she is divorcing him !

Original poster
squittypolitti · 02/01/2012 23:21

Hi ClaraSage - thank you , if he did want to get back with her I'm sure it would only be so he wouldnt have to deal with the courts, pay for solicitors and as he puts it lose ' everything he's worked for financially ' - which sucks I did ask him this and he said 'never' .... like I said he didnt want to contact her at all/ had very limited contact prior to the divorce proceedings but now he's in overdrive. It's a small world , someone I know has known him for years through their old work and he was never 'in' to her at all either before they married (!!!) or when they were married - always said he'd made a mistake , only had their dc girls as she wanted them etc etc so if he were to get back with her / she took him back it would be pretty pointless.

I think she believes that he is single / not seeing anyone though so she must trust him to a certain degree and i know he has had at least 2 x GFs before me / since they separated also !

Actually as I write that i really am wondering what the hell I'm doing with him ! writing on MN is quite therapeutic !

yep , I hope she realises !

OP posts:
BecauseImperfect · 02/01/2012 23:30

Love listen to yourself... He was never into her... He married her...then had dc's with her. All because he felt he had too. So it's either all bollocks. Or he has not got a backbone.

She doesn't need to realise anything, she is divorcing the twat. It is you who needs the wake up call.

ClaraSage · 02/01/2012 23:32

It is good that you care about her welbeing. I'm sure it's easy for me to say this, not being in your shoes, but do you feel you coul let her know what he's up too?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/01/2012 23:33

oh fgs, get rid of this twat

let him play his mindgames all by himself, why the fuck would you want to be part of this ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/01/2012 23:34

and yes, i would find a way to let her know his games too

RoughShooting · 02/01/2012 23:37

So is he trying to avoid paying as much maintenance, because he would prefer to keep his hard-earned cash to himself? Money that would be his fair share towards keeping his three children? I wouldn't care whether he was devious, flirting or anything else re his ex, this fact alone would mean I wanted nothing to do with him.

TheWisdomOfSolomum · 02/01/2012 23:41

Jings, sounds like my ex, only we weren't married - thankfully. If it is my ex, don't worry I'm on to him!

On a serious note, please trust your instincts which by the sounds of things are telling you to get out fast. And ditto the advice other posters have given.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 02/01/2012 23:52

Going against the grain here..is it definitely about the money, or about wanting more time with the dcs etc.or to keep the peace?

Only my dh's solicitor and families officer told my husband to act like this (not about money that was sorted) because she used to cause such upset and disruption to the dcs if she didn't get her own way during the divorce proceedings. This included telling the children their father was psychotic and would harm them, telling them he didn't want them, threatening to run away with the kids etc.

To placate her until the paperwork was signed was the only was to stop her upsetting the kids.

Or he could just be a money grabbing cock of course!

Original poster
squittypolitti · 03/01/2012 00:00

Interesting Binfullof.... she doesnt do anything like that at all so i doubt he would have been given legal advice - in fact she lets him have the kids whenever he wants ( which he has increased also coincidentally with divorce activity ! ) I think one of his ' mates' told him once to keep her ' sweet ' to get what he wants at one time but I'm not sure he would have meant string her along emotionally .... !!or ..... maybe his mate is a cock too !!! LOL

OP posts:
izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 03/01/2012 00:28

or ..... maybe his mate is a cock too Of course he is. It goes without saying - birds of a feather and all that.

Let his stbxw know his gameplan before you kick his devious and deceitful arse out of your life because what he's done, and is doing, to her is what he'll do to you, or any other woman fool enough to be taken in by him, one way or another.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 00:39

I find cocks tend to congregate

TheWisdomOfSolomum · 03/01/2012 00:45

I agree with Izzy and AF

Slight thread hijack here - sorry op - Izzy I have requested you give a seminar on the FWB thread. I've been waiting impatiently all day Grin

tallwivglasses · 03/01/2012 01:00

squitty, there's some heartbreaking threads on here from dumped wives who are not getting the chance to move on because their selfish, entitled, twattish ExP's are still getting some pathetic thrill out of manipulating them with glimmers of hope. (They also appear deshevilled and emotional at times. Yawn).

I'd be concerned. Hope I'm wrong.

Original poster
squittypolitti · 03/01/2012 19:05

Hi yes I know re : heartbreaking situation with an ex wife thinking that suddenly there may be a chance again when really the guys is lying yet again and stringing them along to get his own way thats why I hate this.

Said this to him today , he maintains he doesnt want to get ' shafted' by the divorce proceedings ???!! I give up , told him I dont want to know he should be thinking of his girls in all this - he's on his own with this , like i said before just hope the STBXW realises what he's up to

OP posts:
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