How long did it take your mother to get over your father?

[katkitya]

I probably do sound mean but, I wish my mother would change the record. I've just heard her on the phone to her sister who also can't get over her ex wife beating husband about the dreadful time my dad always gave her at Christmas, if he wasn't a Pisces (????) etc. it's been at least twenty years!!! And she has remarried and everything. Her sister is the same. I'm not one to blame the parents but the way she hasn't moved on has really affected me growing up. Now I've just gone to get a glass of wine and have been told I have alchoholic tendencies, just l

Like my dad. It's really sad, will she go to her grave still going on about him?

yeah probably.
Its been about 20 years for my mum & dad now and she stiiiiiil goes on and on and on about it, BUT she is mellowing.
She bought his new kids a Christmas pressy each this year which is

It really affected us as we grew up too, she was bitter and nasty and it was all very one sided. Luckily we were all nearly grown up so able to form our own opinions and chose to keep out of it all.

Its a nightmare, but easy to step away from nowadays.

Are you me? :D My mum's pretty much the same, she left him in 1994 and met her new partner (who she recently married) very soon after, but despite being apparently happy with her new life she still can't resist making the occasional remark about how my dad didn't treat her right, didn't like her to go out and see friends, didn't spend enough time with my brother and I when we were growing up (really I have no idea about that last one, I have wonderful memories from my childhood!). And always completely unprovoked! One of these days I'll have it out with her and ask why she's still got such a bee in her bonnet, if I can only think of a way to approach it without hurting her feelings...

And she wonders why I'm not in touch with him err because I grew up hearing you slagging him off everyday. I swear if I saw him again I would have no end of questions. The sad thing is, I bet she would have him back in a shot. I wonder if it's a generation thing? Because the engagements were short and bad marriages put up with?

My BIL's mum is the same as well!

Surely it depends on how much of an arsehole he was to her at the time, and also how badly he treated her.

I think its because my dad really did treat her badly, she wasted too many years on him.
She was a genuine victim, its actually burned into her brain. I have many memories of the abuse too, so while i can see her pov, i just think that it must take up SO much energy to keep going over it and over it.

My dad is happy and a very very different person nowadays. I have a lovely relationship with him, and my mum too.
But she is a difficult person to gte along with and i feel edgy all of the time, like it could go tits up at any moment.

They were very young and ended up having lots of kids very early, with poor role models in their own parents, so they actually had no chance whatsoever.

I have made it my mission in life to NOT be anything like them with my own children and outlook. Its worked well tbf.

My mum is still bitter about her marriage breakdown 28 years on but tbh, the more I find out, the more I realise that there wasn't ever a happy marriage in the first place. Only a very deluded woman, who now blames my dad for all her own failings. (She also blames me but that's another story).

I wish she could be more grown up about it as it's a shame my future children willl never get their GPs in the same room together.

Also, she never had another relationship since. She hasn't noticed how much time has passed.

We all sound like our mothers are the same!! I th

I think for them they put up with lots of crap in their marriages because of the era so, why is that harder to get over? Like someone said mine were two you g and my father is happy with someone who doesn't nag or tut when he has a drink and a laugh. My mother on the other hand, nags her new dh and has already asked him how many he had on new years eve. So, she's still the same.

She hasn't, it's been 26 years. In fairness though, neither has he. They were a bloody disaster together!

Mine is different though. She caused her own bad marriage by first bullying my dad into getting married and then, when he wanted to leave her, she "accidentally" got pregnant by going off her pill . He then stayed with her but left after a year. I only found this out recently as she always just told me, he didn't want me, asked her to get an abortion etc. So I always blamed him.

Tbh, he wasn't innocent either, ended up cheating etc but couldn't have been surprised and to this day doesn't accept her part in the disaster that my parents' marriage was.

She was/ is really toxic with me so I can understand why he wanted out in the first place.

I think the other mothers on here sound way more innocent, like they were a victim of their time/ circumstances.

Mine would've been pre pill with me, I can't say that about the other four siblings though!! Yes, she was a victim of the times and a religious family. She's never really liked me, t h.

Sorry my keys keep sticking.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings but my mother is still going on about my father 33 years after their divorce.

There was fault on both sides tbh but mum cannot have been easy to live with- she is argumentative, always certain she is right AND in the right, paranoid and many other things. She is a very complicated personality and tried very hard to turn all of us children (there are 6 of us) against him. He, on the other hand, is a very simple personality who had/has clear views on things and wasn't able to cope with mum.

It's sad in many ways- for her, because she's wasted so much of her life being bitter and because that has caused her to become dissatisfied with practically everything she has; for us, because we missed out on any kind of relationship with our dad for so long (although most of us have a decent relationship with him now); and for him, because he spent much of his life firstly trying to deal with mum and then suffering years of near-estrangement from his children.
Even now she will throw a hissy fit if she and he are invited to the same event and will refuse to come and make silly threats about punching him or something if she sees him. This occurs about every single family event (weddings/christenings/Christmas etc etc) and has even started affecting our children.

Sorry- went on a bit there! It's a bit of a sensitive subject

I hear you. Mine escaped to the other side of the world!! It's sad not just for his children but, grandchildren as well. She spent half her life turning us against him and now wonders why we don't talk to him.

We're not all like that. My children are 22 and 19 and I've been separated/divorced since 2000, but I have never, ever said a bad word against him, even though I could. I tell them all the stories of how we met, the things we used to do, what our wedding was like, how we planned our children. I don't go on about it, but I want them to know they were born out of love and that we had been mad about each other and planned our family seriously.

The fact he was a twat at times is nothing to do with them. I don't mention it. I remind them to buy his new wife a Christmas present. I remind them to phone him.

We're not all like that.

Imperial, you sound like a great mum!
I don't know anything about how my parents met, their wedding etc. I only ever got to hear how horrible my dad was and how he didn't want me. When I heard a bit of the other side of the story last year, my mum went mental and said I had no right to talk to other people about her life. She totally doesn't see how it's my life as well! I don't even know what time of day I was born .

Thanks, Mrs Huxtable! It's been hard at times but now they're both embarking on their own lives away from here (small private yay!) and it's the one thing I can comfort myself with.

It's really sad when you don't know your parents' history. I sort of know what your mum means, but she needs to bite on the resentment and remember the lovely times. It's hard to do at times, but you know, fake it till you make it is sometimes the best way.

omg, I think I just scared myself reading this thread. Have 3 under 8s with exp of 9yrs, we split january, he met someone else in march and is now marrying her this june. I dont convey my feelings to or around the kids(or at least I hope I dont) but I do feel sooo bitter about everything. I really hope I dont feel this way in 10,20yrs

Well, I think counselling would certainly have helped my mother.

That's crap what you are going through and I'm sure you will not still be festering in thirty years!! I do think its a different era. Use your friends and family to vent. I'm sure you will keep it away from the kids. Make sure he has them so that you can do something for yourself. All the best.

Even today she asked me if I think he's lost any weight? It's really sad. Why was she even thinking about it?

Mine is exactly the same - constantly banging on about how he hurt her by leaving......30 years ago!!!!! She is remarried too, and I really don't want to hear it any more, but it's not going to get better is it....

Its strange how some people bounce back. She's never been a fun loving person or has been able to apologise, even tonight when she accused me of only putting one tea bag in the teapot!! When she saw there was two she couldn't say sorry for blowing her top.