how to tell friend ...

[wannaBe1974]

I grew up in another country, although I am Brittish, and have maintained contact with some of the friends I had there, even though I have now been back here for 12 years. mostly it is just email and text contact, the odd phone call but that all gets a bit expensive. But there's this one friend who emails/texts me all the time, and although she's a lovely person, she is very devoutly religious, and I'm not. Now I have absolutely no problem with people having their religions, if people have strong religious beliefs then that's lovely for them and I'm glad it makes them happy, but that's not how I personally feel and this friend of mine doesn't seem to get it. To the extent that if you ask her how she is, instead of saying, "I'm fine", she says "I'm blessed", when I moved in with my DP (now my DH) she told me that I should prey to god for forgiveness for having had sex before marriage, those are just a couple of examples. Having spoken to another friend recently, he said that this girl gives the impression she looks down on others because they do not have the same kinds of strong beliefs that she does.

I feel sorry for her, she still lives at home with her mother, has no boyfriend (she is 32) and never has had a serious relationship, and is clearly very lonely, her religion it would seem is all she has in her life. Thing is, although that's her faith and she's happy with that, that's not how I believe, and she has increasingly been sending me emails/texts telling me how god has blessed me, how god has chosen me, how god will bless the hundred people I send this message to .. you get the picture, and although I've told her numerous times that I just don't think that way, she just tells me that she's god's mouthpiece, that he has sent her to convert me, and that she can see I am not happy without God in my life. I'm perfectly happy without God in my life, and would really like to find a more definite way to tell her to lay off without hurting her. At school we were great friends, but over the years her religion has taken over her life and I feel we just don't have anything in common any more. I've tried just not communicating as much, after all that's easy as we don't live in the same country, but if I fail to email/text/call, she calls saying she wondered where I was etc. any advice? I don't want to hurt her, but I'm beginning to think this may be the only way.

I think you've been very patient with this - far more so than I would be! I've just got no time for people like this, like you said it's each to their own with religion but I don't think anyone should try to force their views on others - on anything in fact, not just religion

Could you perhaps send her a letter/e-mail explaining that you find her overpowering with the things she says and you feel offended by some of them? It would be much easier to do it in writing than over the phone - you could make sure you've said everything you want to before you send it

You sound like a very caring person - my tolerance would have worn thin by now.

I think you need to tell her, and be very specific and direct about what it is that troubles you. An email is a good idea. It seems less final than a letter.

I don't know if it's useful but I had an experience very similar to this when I was at university. I was vulnerable and lonely at the time for various reasons and she was a friend to me at first, invited me for dinner and came round to chat etc. Gradually she introduced more and more of her religious ideas into everyday conversation until it was at a level that I personally find rather embarrassing - I am a Christian myself, but a rather old-fashioned one, and I found her style very crass and "in-yer-face"!! Anyway to cut a long story short she ended up dragging me into all day seminars, Toronto Blessing-style meetings, housegroups.. I tied myself in terrible knots trying to break free without being rude or causing a confrontation, but I've never met anyone so determined. She told me that my (then) bf was a child of darkness, and that my little brother who died unbaptised had gone to hell. She made me feel as though I was living in a war zone. I can remember sitting in my room keeping very still pretending to be out, and her knocking for over half an hour because she knew I was in there.

If this sounds anything like your friend, I advise you to be a bit blunter than you would usually be, and extricate yourself quickly.

she sounds 'bunny boiler' scary!!!!!

My best friend from school became similarly fanatical and irritating. Although I am pretty tolerant I found her attitude increasingly patronising and judgemental, particularly after I became a single mother. In the end I decided I couldn't deal with her anymore and am afraid I cut off all contact.

i agree with the other ladies here, from what you are saying your friends "religion" is somewhat of an obsession. I really truly applaud your patience and tolerance of her cause i tell you now i wouldnt have given it but i think you have the right to say very honestly that you dont wish to hear that sort of thing and if she refuses to respect your right to an opinion of your own then you no longer feel you have much to say to her.

I'm an atheist and I have a number of very religious friends. The only way we continue to be friends is that I don't try and convert them and they don't try and convert me. I'm quite happy to talk to them about their faith and the things they are doing as a result (like one is en route to becoming a lay member of the Dominican order of nuns).

I would be quite honest about how her attempts to convert you are making you feel. You clearly accept the strength of her feeling, but she must do the same for you.

Hear hear Tribpot. It really is possible for very different people to be friends and enrich each other.. bu there has to be tolerance and respect. What people like the girl I knew do is a form of bullying, and it makes any balanced friendship impossible, unfortunately.

Thanks for responses

Well I sent her the following email in answer to a message she sent me this morning.

?hiya, thanks for sending me that message, but to be honest I don?t tend to forward on messages that are sent to me, especially not messages that relate to religion as not everyone shares your views on religion. I appreciate that you think that God Is a big part of your life, and I?m happy that you?re happy in your faith, but to be honest, I don?t share your beliefs, and while I?m always here for you as a friend, I really don?t need you to constantly tell me how much I need god in my life and how unfulfilled my life must be without him. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, and I couldn?t be happier. I don?t go to church, I wasn?t married in a church and I did not have my son christened as I feel that it would be hypocritical to swear that I will bring him up in the name of God when I have no intentions of doing so. Please don?t take this as an insult to you or your faith, we?ve been great friends in the past and I hope that we will continue to be in the future. We share many other interests, and there is no reason for this to come between us. Apart from anything else, sending out emails that are intended to be forwarded to 10 people who in turn should forward them to 10 people etc is spamming and I wouldn?t accept such emails even if they had no religious content.

I hope you understand and that we can move on from this.?

Well done!! I think it's a really measured, balanced, calm message. She'd have to be a real tough nut to keep harassing you after receiving that. But it's not in the least rude or unfriendly, it's just very direct and clear and shows you as an adult who won't be manipulated. It's a pity more people don't have the skill of standing up for themselves without being defensive or aggressive!!

ps: if she doesn't lay off after this, you'd be well within your rights to tell her to get lost altogether

Excellent email. Tbh I have zero tolerance for bible bashers so this would be a nightmare scenario for me. Dh has a mate in U.S from uni who keeps trying to convert him. He tried a similar approach to you in that he was calm, assertive and sensitive. The guy hasn't contacted him since! I think it's a result (!) but dh is sad as he'd hoped their friendship was strong enough to survive.