Ideas and suggestions for supporting our children, after an abusive relationship

[singingprincess]

I am five months out of a badly controlling, abusive and ultimately violent marriage. It was the physical attack that gave me the impetus to get out, finally.

I'm struggling a bit with my teenage DS. He won't talk to me, and I don't force it, but occasionally, he'll say something that suggests he believes that what happened was my fault, that I over reacted. That I have ruined things, "like I always do". It is pretty tough because I can't explain all the abuse dynamics at all...he just won't engage on this subject. It makes me feel angry, sad, frustrated and guilty, because I found the strength to do the right thing, and he blames me.

He is FURIOUS at the school's suggestion that he has support available...he sees it as him being lumped in with "those kind of kids". He refused to speak to the social worker. We had a MARAC and he is furious that the school even knows. I explained that it was out of my hands.

He is going into the last six months of high school, so there are GCSE's to contend with too....he looks like he'll scrape "C"s and that is with zero effort on his part....so that's fine, a c is good enough, and I don't want to risk making things worse, but at the same time, I need to set boundaries and life lessons don't I?

Any ideas, help, suggestions, hand holding please?

Sorry, didn't want to leave you unanswered. My ds was 5 when I split with his dad so I can't help too much probably but...remember your ds is hurting too. He is unlikely to understand what you went through, even if he is aware of it. He will also have been influenced by his dad's attitude to you. Maybe that's why he's in denial, but maybe he doesn't want to think of either of you in those roles either (abuser/abused). He may also feel guilty that he hasn't been able to protect you.
I think any kind of support that he can get will be worthwhile eventually but he is still processing this, as are you I expect. Give him lots of love. I hope you have RL support too. You have done a very brave thing and will need time to deal with this.

Thing is....for him it's complicated by the fact that his genetic dad has completely vanished from his life, no birthday or Christmas cards, nothing, and now this, with the step dad who appeared to be everything his own dad wasn't, (well he would have been wouldn't he, all part of the act to get me hooked). I feel so very, very bad for him. That sounds pathetic in it's understatement.

And I asked for therapy before I even tried for children....all those years ago, because I come from such a dysfunctional family, and wanted to do anything to avoid that for any of my dc's...and I have failed. Utterly and totally, and I tried so hard to get it right.

I feel that because of the shitty choices I made in my life, I have completely let my dc's down, and especially him.

He IS loved, he has seen me fight tooth and nail for him, I hope that that was enough.

I feel so much for your Singingprincess and see that you have done your very best for your DS. I feel that in time he will understand and realise the horrible situation you were in. Well done for having the strength to leave DH. In my experience my friends children who have been through this experience have generally finally understood that their fathers had not been the best and came to support their mothers in this.
Good luck.

OP, I am in a pretty similar situation to you. I cant give you any advice as I havent worked it out myself yet, but I can tell you I know what you are going through and feel for you. There doesnt seem to be that much help or advice out there on how to deal with teenagers in this situation. Even my counsellor found it a struggle to recommend someone my DS might see. She found someone in the end but of course teenage DS's aren't interested in talking about their feelings to Mum or to a Stranger at all......so that was a non starter! My instinct is to just show them and tell them how much you love them.Dont pressurise them to talk back because it just wont happen but hopefully they will listen. Good luck.