possible gaming addiction, no longer feel like a couple but housemates...

[gamingwidow]

Thank you for taking the time to read this as it will probably be long! I have no idea what im asking for but maybe a bit of insight/advice as to how we can get through this shitty patch!

Me and DH have been together for 6 years, married 8 months 2 DC 4 and 2.
Background history, when we got pregnant with dc1 we decided to move back to my home town as we didnt feel the city we were in, his home city my university city, we could raise our dc with the oppoutunities and family life we wanted. We wouldnt have been able to afford to buy a house,money would have been unbearably tight.

We brought here where we are and now have dc2. I realise dh has had to give up a lot to move here, friends and family social life etc. He has always been big on gaming even when we first got together. It has always been the touchy subject in our relationship.

About 18months ago he borught an xbox so he can play online with his friends whilst also talking to them. When he first started doing this we argued as i felt he was on i too much and he broke down saying he is so ,lonely here it is all he has to stop him from being completely miserable. I then obviosuly felt so guilty as i guess it was more my idea to move back here so have let it drop.

Fast forward to now...he works odd hours he leaves house at 5pm and is home by 1am so not full night shifts but late shifts. When he comes home is online with his friends until 5/6 in the morning. Even on his days off he will play all day then when i get in from work he will stop until iveput the kids to bed and will be back on at 8 until 4/5 in the morning. He says he plays like this not because he's addicted but because he cant sleep. Ive tried to delicate suggest maybe the reason he cant sleep is beacuse his brain is too active from playing these gamesbut he doesnt think so.

It has finally started to get to me as he's had a lot of time off over xmas but his gaming is as bad or worse. On the 23rd/24th he got in fromwork as usual anbout 1am, when i got up at 6 with the kids he was still up, he went to bed for a couple of hours whilst i went to work and left him in charge of elder dc whilst i took youngest with me.

on xmas day he fell asleep at 8pm woke at 1am and proceeded to play all night until the dc got up at 7am, we then had to drive the 2 1/2 hours to inlaws. When we got there he kept nodding off then took himself to bed for 2 hours leaving me alone with 2 hyper dc, inlaws, 2 bils and one of their girlfriends. He got up for dinner then took himself back to bed at 8pm until the morning again leaving me alone. The next day again he napped all day and since we got back this has continued. last monday was ther last time we shared a bed, this was at his parents house, he spends all night downstairs. Just last night he fell asleep at 6.30 and then actually came to bed at about 10pm, he then got a message from one of his friends saying they were online and he shot out of bed. He was still up playing at 3.30 as dc2 has croup and was up coughing which woke me.

I want to say something but i realise he has given up so much to be here with me, i just feel like we're housemates not man and wife. He also hates his job and i know his gaming is the one thing that he enjoys. I'm self employed and am very lucky to love my job, however it brings in hardly any money but it does enable me to do all the care work for the children as i run my shop arund nursery/school runs, but i dont think he respects my input int o the family home as during our last fight he said that his wages pay for everything and i was lucky as all i had to do was 'sit on my fat arse all day fannying about'.

For his faults though he does do all the hoovering and general tidying. I dont want to give up on our marriage but i have no idea how to save it.

thanks if you managed to get through all that!

Hi sorry you are having such a bad time is it call of duty? My dh plays it and we have arguments so I know how you feel. Maybe if he found another job he would keep more regular hours and get more satisfaction from that?

No not call of duty, he sent it back after a few days as he got so cross with it! Its fifa, skyrim etc. I have offered to get job papers but 'there's nothing out there' that would pay his salary, and if im honest i think he'd prefer me to give up my business for a better paid job so he can get a lesser paid job. We have discussed this option, but i feel if i am to get a more committed job it would only be fair for him to take on mroe resonsibility of helping with the kids because at the moment all he does is pick dd up from school, which is on our street, and then puts her infront of a dvd til i get home whilst he plays on the xbox!

my dh has a computer addiction and i hve to manage it - he really gets obsessed with strategy games.

can i suggest that there is no one online that is a real friend at 4am and that he is talking shit.

what i do is sit down with dh and work out how we both (not just me) think the day should look like.

this is partic useful if shifts are involved. write it down like a timetalbe and stick it somewhere like the fridge.

this then makes clear responsabilities.

it get ignored after a couple of months and i have to rein him in,

this xmas has been just the bsolute pits, and gaming was part of it. he has one strat game ont he go and had started another, it takes time from other thngs. from me, from household duties, from house repairs, from just bloody talking about inane useless shit. i felt lonely. so a timetable hs been drawn.

Thank you for advice, the timetable sounds like a good idea. Does your DH admit to having a gaming addiction? This is going to be the hardest part as he really doesnt think he has an addiction. Im sure im not making it up that playing games can over stimulate your brain making it harder to go to sleep?
The particular friend he mostly plays with, they have been friends since they were 3 so 26 years, is unemployed living with his parents, so seems to sleep all day and is up at night.

He chose to move towns with you. You didn't force him. Don't let him use this as an excuse to do what he likes and ignore you.

I too feel lonely, i spend every night alone whilst he works and the past 2 days he's had off i have also spent alone. There's no quality time on his part with the children. He is in bed now sleeping whilst i look after the children. I feel so low right now, its like me and the children are in our own little bubble in the house and he's in his.

Thank you solid, he did indeed have the choice. Without wanting to drip feed we got pregnant after only 5 months together and i was unsure what to do and made the decision on my own to have dc1, he was given the choice to stay or walk away. He chose to stay.

I developed a bit of an addiction to an online game a few years ago. I can confirm that it does indeed interfere with sleep patterns and also it makes hours disappear without you noticing. I was a shit partner and a rather un-marvellous mother during those months. I could see what I was doing and how damaging it was but still found it really hard to cut down. In the end I had to cancel my account and go cold-turkey. I miss it occasionally but it has been so worth it.

Even if you both lived in his old home town with all his friends just around the corner, would you find it acceptable for him to be spending all this time with his mates?

My h was addicted to Yahoo pool. A few other games, come to that, but mainly pool.

Any time of day, weekends, and until after 3am. After years it turned out in September that he also used to have sex chats on it (moving to yahoo messenger if the conversations were fruitful enough) from time to time, but well over a hundred in a five year period. Strangely, even now, he is keen to point out that he wouldnt play a likely sex chat candidate if her pool score was low (??!!)

Clearly that is not your situation, but there are some lessons.

My h finally told me in Relate that feeling uncomfortable in his life, lacking power and control in work and life, as he saw it, and stress from overwork, led to the need to constantly online game, and then the cybersex on occasions.

I think your h needs to sort out his life issues, and his attitude to dealing with problems, in order to resolve this problem.

My h partly blames our relationship for the cybersex, but in fact he was feeling pissed off with my complaining without taking into account that I was pissed off with his irresponsible attitude.

The similarities are that your h has job issues, where he lives issues, and he maybe is starting to resent your attitude to his absorbing 'hobby'. He doesnt accept that it is reasonable that he acts like a full family member. He has withdrawn.

There was a great article linked on mn about withdrawing partners- I think it was on peterfox.com.au

Relate has been really helpful to us in all that.

My DH was quite into world
Of Warcraft. We dot have kids yet but first is
Due in feb. I have an agreement and timetable. I go out on a Sunday evening and he can play. On mondays he plays and I read and have a lush bath he runs for me

I have banned gaming on a Tuesday (tv night and dinner and snuggles) and a Saturday is our day to spend all day together and Sunday daytime. He plays on a Wednesday and I get caught up in my own hobbies (writing and baking)

So in total he plays 3 evenings a week from 8 - 11ish but he recognises that I'm quite laid back so if I ask him not to he won't and if he asks if he can play an extra
Night and I'm not bothered it works out well for us.

I wouldn't stand for what you have described even if he did move.

No advice, only sympathy. Mine spent 13 years playing mainly Civilisation, it wasn't even on-line or different games. He was supposedly self-employed at the time and I had no idea what to do. If I said anything he just said I was addicted to Solitaire (true - but not all day everyday, and I did look for and get a job during this time). I would say do you want a cuppa, he'd say yes, I would make it, alert him, and he'd say he'd be there at the end of the turn... by which time I had finished my tea anyway. Do hope you get this worked out. BTW I am divorcing him now - he hasn't changed much, in that he now spends his time selling collectables on ebay for not very much money over the year

I myself was addicted to an online game called secondlife, I was on there day and night surviving on 4 hours of sleep a night. My whole world collapsed around me and my family suffered but i couldnt stop.

It was only when a family member turned to me and said, (your going to loose everything, including your kids) that i finally found the strength to quit.
It was like the massive wake up call i desparatly needed.

Almost 3 years later and i havn't been back since and although i do miss it on occation i know i wouldnt dare go back on it. Your husband wont break out of this untill you make him see how this is affecting you and everyone else.

This is unfortunatly somthing he must do for himself though and if you give an ultimatum you have to be prepaird that he may not choose you if his addiction is too bad, he must hit rock bottom like with anything, but if your honest with yourself your a single parent already, he is just another kid you have to take care of.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I got my self in to such an angry state yesterday that it gave me the courage to talk to him.

I basically just spoke at him and about how this is ruining our family life and our marriage. He opened up to me and told me how miserable he is with his job and that gaming is almost a way out. Without meaning to give to much away his job means he spends his evenings on his own checking up on rather unsavory people (thieves, rapists, thugs, druggies, peadophiles etc).

We are going to together try and find another job for him but he has also agreed to stop playing as much. How long this will last for i dont know, but i will keep nagging, which he's told me too! And last night for the first time in a ,long time he has come straight to bed after work.

Fingers crossed for me x

Oh well done you, and him too. I do hope it works out for you both.