Need to overhaul my relationship with DC3....advice needed.

[ashamednamechanger]

DC3 and me have always had a very 2- goats- butting- heads type of relationship.
After he was born I had bad PND so we have never really bonded. We just seem to rub each other up the wrong way all day long.
I try, I really do, but it always seems to evolve into shouting on both sides and him hitting me. I don't hit him of course, as I realise that he is just doing it out of frustration with me.
I want so much to form a closer bond with him, but have no idea how. I mean, you can't make yourself love someone, can you, although I wish you could.
If anyone has any ideas, no matter what it entails, please post.

It breaks my heart that I have a "different" relationship with him than I do with my other 2 DCs.

That sounds very difficult. How old is he? Is he very aware of the difference? Do you really think you can never feel the same as you do towards the others? Sorry if those are stupid questions. I knew someone who didn't bond with her child but he was the only one, so there weren't the comparisons.

How old is your DS?

He's only 4, which is why I need to change things NOW before I end up causing him permenant damage!
I really don't know if I can ever feel the same about him as I do the other 2. As I said, the PND was pretty bad and he was basically reared solely by his dad for a few months while I 'recovered' with ADs.
So he's always been closer to his dad than me. Thank God he had someone to rely on as I was pretty much useless at that time.
I really wish I could change things between us but have no idea how.

Dashing...did your friend get to bond with her child?

I heard once of attachment therapy (US I think). Maybe something like that could help x

Ok forget that just googled it! en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_therapy

Maybe something less severe!, but where you physically have to do things together....fun things that don't involve being squashed
Also the book 'How to talk so kids listen' is fab

Have read that one already!
Have also attended a parenting course in the hope that it would somehow give me the answer.
Attatchment therapy sounds great, but not a good idea apparently?
I just don't want him to feel left out, ignored, different, unwanted...whatever. But even I realise this is not going to be easy or happen overnight, although I am willing to try anything really.

There are deaths associated with "attachment therapy". Reading about attachment theory on the other hand might be helpful, as might letting yourself off the hook a bit over the difficult start. Shame and blame and guilt will kill you quicker than jogging ...
Entirely possible you and dc3 are just very different people and would clash anyway, and I wonder if you truly love him less or are just used to telling yourself this. Humour me by really thinking about that one again, really open mindedly will you?
Could read Non-violent communication - a language for life,by Rosenberg ... interesting, useful and intuitive.
And really do cut yourself some slack. You sound very thoughtful and caring to me, but as if some deep shame and fixed ideas are really blocking you.

I mean, you can't make yourself love someone, can you,

As it happens, you can.

By opening your heart to embrace all of humanity with all of its faults and frailities you can love a total stranger and, by that token, you can create and redouble love for those closest to you.

Start by loving and approving yourself and tell your little dc every day that he is the best, the brightest, the funniest, the most wonderful 4 year old in all the world. Tell him you love and adore him. And tell him often.

Once you've enabled him to relax around you, he'll be able to exhibit his true personality and one day you'll realise that all of the things you've been telling him are true.

You're the adult and he's a tiny child who needs you.

If your partner has a better relationship with him, how about observing the way he interacts with him and copying it?

Have you tried having one on one "special time" with him every day?

"Catch him being good", i.e. look out for moments when he is playing nicely or behaving as you would want and lavish attention on him at these times. Distract or ignore when he is behaving in ways you don't want.

I think you need to try to put aside your feelings about him for now and give him the best possible parenting regardless. In time, your relationship will then probably improve naturally.

If you're really struggling, or if others are also finding h's behaviour challenging, you could ask your GP for a referral to CAMHS.

His not h's

A nurse friend of mine suggests a star chart, where you aim to give him 10 stars a day for good behaviour etc. It is up to you to find those 10 things.
Another option is to find something you both enjoy, and spend some time just the two of you doing it (get DH to look after the others).
Finally you might want some counselling to help you get past the guilt you feel.

I think you might need counselling OP. It sounds to me like your PND really left its mark on you. Somewhere deep down perhaps you're holding yourself back from loving him as you associate him with such a horrible time in your life.

I hate to admit it but I think the counselling idea is true.
I have entertained this option before but I hate the idea that I need therapy in order to love my child....I mean, how awful is that!
His behaviour really is just normal 4 year old tantrums and he can be really lovely at times.
However, sometimes he can become quite violent....hitting and biting and scratching, especially when he doesn't get his own way.

I can't help but blame myself for this

It's not your fault, at all. You got ill after he was born, that can happen to anyone. Unfortunately your illness impacted on your relationship with your son, but you have the opportunity now to sort it out. I think as a society we shy away from sorting out emotional problems whereas we do anything it takes to sort out physical problems. What I mean is, if you were prevented from playing with your son because of a back problem you would have gone to the doctor long ago. This is no different. There is absolutely nothing awful about it, it just happened. Your son is very lucky that rather than burying your head in the sand you're willing to face up to the fact that things aren't right and do something about it. It shows you really do care about him, a lot. It's just that you need help to take down the wall you've built.

If anyone can recommend any good books or self help strategies that would be a starting point for us I think.

'playful parenting' would be a good book to read, but i think you may also need counselling to explore this more deeply.

good luck

ashamednamechanger, I have been in exactely the same place than you. I've had PND with dc1 and didn't bond with her for a long time (I mean years).

One of the best advice was one I found on here in the adoption threads: 'Act as if you love the cgild and you will learn to love him/her'. So I set off to learn to love that child as if I had adopted her (Strange I know but this is exactely how it felt to me at the time :().

I also found that my approach to parenting needed to take this situation into account. 'How to talk' and 'Unconditional parenting' have been the 2 approaches that have worked for us, probably because she (and me!) needed a parenting system that took her needs into account (more than for another child perhaps). I more or less stopped any 'punishment' (so no naughty steps etc...) because they did widen the gap between us. So I had to find other ways to parent her. Eg, I knew that being sat in a train would be difficult and she would start playing up. So instead of having a go at her, threatening her etc... I have always ensured that I had something with me to distract her. I've kept an eye on what was going on and took some action before she started to be unruly. etc....

I always ensured that we had some one to one time together, undisturbed. Ideally 10~15min each day (even though I haven't managed to do that all the time). And we did together what she wanted to do. When she was little, it was about playing with dolls. Now she wants to 'talk with me'.
When things get out of hand and there are more time when she is 'disobedient', I know I need to spend more time with her, cuddling, playing.
Eg when she was little and she would get really angry and start hitting me, I found that she was doing that as a way to get some sort of physical contact with me. So I just said 'No' or 'No hitting' in a very quiet voice and cuddled her instead.

I also learnt that praise needed to be real to have any effect on her. Telling her 'I loved her' when I didn't quite feel like had the opposite effect. She got quite cross and meant she didn't quite believe me when I praised her (in good faith).

TBH, I do agree with a lot of the comments up thread but rebuilding a relationship IS hard work. You need a lot of determination and a lot of patience (It took us a long long time to 'get over' that) and I know that even now there are still some 'left overs'. She is still quite insecure about my love for her due to the insecure attachement when she was little, even though I can now say I do love her the same way I love dc2.

If you want to go and see a counsellor, I would really advise you to find a psychotherapist rather than 'just' a counsellor and to ask him/her if he/she has some experience in dealing with PND and children with insecure attachment. This is a traumatic experience and you need some good advise re your parenting/behaviour towards your dcs that will go further than mainstream parenting techniques iyswim.

I really wish you a lot of courage. It is really hard work but so worth it at the end of the day. I did work for me and dc1. It took time, a long time, and in some ways is still work in progress. but as time goes on, it gets easier and easier and you can start relaxing. Gone are the days now when I was watching my every move and I can enjoy being with her the same way I enjoy being with dc2.

Thankyou Knowyourself, that was a very brave post you made.
I think actually admitting you have this problem is a step forward.
Today I have tried really really hard not to lose my temper or tell DC3 off at all. Have had a nice time just me and him.
Am ATM watching revolutionary road on sky and it is so strange. I have never wached it before but am actually speaking Kate Winsletts lines before she does. This film is so my life it's scary!

Yes it is a step forward. But you have many more step forward in front of you. This is just the start of a long journey.

The PND and the insecure attachement will always be part of our history, both mine and dc1. But in some ways it also had some very postive effect. It has been a driving force for me to do things in a different way and I have become a very different person. These were positive changes for all of us, not just me but also dc1 and dc2.

Good luck!

BTW, I don't think I am brave. Not to have posted nor for the work I have done. Lost of women have suffered PND and of those lots have also struggled to bond with their dc. There is no shame to have. I would have felt guilty if I hadn't tried my hardest to make things right for dc1. But not for having been ill. I didn't choose it or did anything that put me in that situation.
However there is so little help for mothers and children suffereing from I call the 'aftermarth' of PND. :(

Have you ever heard of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control? It is an approach that was originally created for children with serious attachment issues, but I think it can work well in many different situations. I know a wonderful family that adopted four older children, and they absolutely swear by this philosophy. Their children are simply blossoming, after years of extreme neglect and trauma prior to adoption, so I think the parents are doing something right! One concept is that fear may be the underlying emotion behind misbehavior or what looks like anger. And parents may also respond with their own fears. Even in situations when there is "nothing to be afraid of," irrational fear may really be at the heart of conflict. The focus of BCLC isn't really about changing a child's behavior but about building a secure relationship. And it seems as though that is what you would like to do, OP.

The author of the BCLC books is Heather Forbes. She does consultations and holds workshops, but all of them are in the U.S. as far as I know.

KnowYourself, what a great post.

If you teach yourself to meditate (I like the 8-minute meditation book - it's about as corny as it gets, but it's completely neutral as far as spirituality is concerned - just teaches you the techniques) then when you get to the loving-kindness meditation techniques, you could take them as your focus, and your child as the focus of that sort of meditation.

You could keep a gratitude journal. I recently did it for a month - every day I thought of one thing in that day that I appreciated about each member of my family, or a thing I appreciated that they had done/said. Made a huge difference to our interactions, and the habit sticks quite easily - it becomes easier and easier to express that appreciation to the people involved too IME. (that's like the star chart idea, only I just did one thing a day per person!)

I had never heard about BCLC before. I've just read the first few pages on Amazon. What can i say? I seems to be summarizing the conclusions I came to whilst dealing with my own child.

''Traditionnally, we have seen children as being manipulative and wilfully disobedient... This could not be further from the truth. Stress constrict their thinking, distort their perspective''
I wish I had come accross that book a good 8 years ago.

omm, a gratitude journal is a great idea!

Thankyou, will definitely have to get this book, it's so on the button.
Gratitude journal sounds great....but not today as DS decided to take a dump on dining room carpet and spread it round the room a bit. Don't really think I should put THAT in a gratitude journal!

This book sounds excellent - but is tricky to get hold of without breaking the bank! Will see what I can manage at the library.