Need some advice confrontation with ny dads partner how do i handle it ?

[Lilyloo]

This christmas has culminated in a show down with my dads partner. This has been ongoing for most of the year. However we don't see them regularly enough for it to have resulted in this before now.
My dad has recently purchased a house with J. We have been invited there twice this year. The first occasion all good enjoying a few drinks , some food , for which we had all contributed. Everyone enjoying themselves when J makes it very obvious she annoyed storms out and sits in a room by herself. We were all flummoxed turned out my sister had sat in her chair when she had left the room.
Forward to this christmas , her and my dad come here everything fine , she brings her adult son along whom i barely know but all welcome and evening goes fine.
She then hosts a buffet all seems ok when we arrive , both her sons and partner there. Make a bit of chit chat then sit down with my sis dad and gran to chat. An hour or so later she storms out again. No idea why but chat to her son etc then i put a cd on. SHe then storms back in clearing everything up makes it obvious we need to leave. Her family all still there.
Next day i speak to my dad asking what is wrong he no idea.
She then comes to my house twonights ago and asks to see me in another room. She then tells me sheis sick of us ( my sis , dad etc) all chatting when we see each other she feels excluded. She is sick of cooking and clearing up after us , she cannot believe i put a cd on and the reason she stormed out is because my sis had her foot on her chair. Culminating in her dil saying we are ignorant.
I am so upset but not sure what to do , i dont want to upset my dad. Sorry it's so long .

How does your dad feel?

If she has that much of a problem maybe she shouldn't come round. Doesn't stop your dad though

She sounds like a high maintenance bitch TBH.

Sounds like you need to see your Dad more often so she is more involved in your lives and then feels less excluded

I think she likes having your Dad all to herself, doesn't want to share him...

My dad stayed in another room when she spoke to me so he doesn't know what was said. Think he burying his head in the sand tbh. She is fine when she comes here just has issues when we go there. Which is rare.
She managed to convince my dad to cut ties with my mums mum after they bought their house by telling her she could no longer come round. Whilst i appreciete it would have been hard for her my nan was devestated.My dad has been very good with her since my mum died.

random i think that is very true , i do see my dad every couple of weeks generally more at mine though.
Her son is at their house a lot so my dad will often come here on his own.

I think you need to speak to your Dad and his new partner about this. Otherwise you will be painted as the bad guy and all that...

Could you arrange to do something with her on your own so that you get to know each other better?

I do hope your dad hasn't stopped going to see your nan and that you go with him so that the 3 of you can chat freely about your mum amongst other topics of conversation.

Poor you. Just reading your post about what she's been up to made me feel weary, this must be very hard for you to deal with.

My inclination would be to make it clear you will see your Dad, will talk to him and other members of your family, she is very welcome to join in as part of the family but you will not stop contact with your Dad just because she doesn't like it. I would also speak to her in a non confrontation way about your families various wrongdoings and explain that your family are not uptight like she is possibly have different ways to doing things so if there is anything in particular she is concerned about, to let you all know politely at the time when you will try to keep to her reasonable standards in her house.

It would also be wise to have a word with your Dad, let him know what has been happening and that you have spoken to her, that if she is rude in future you will just have to leave.

So breaking this down it seems that she feels excluded by you all chatting as a family unit that she is not part of. Also she has issues with what she sees as ownership/manners. People sitting or using items without deference to her sem to be a trigger, possibly this is both low self esteem and a way for her to assert her place in the group?
If these are possibilities then the solution is partly up to you and your sister, in that in order for her to be "accepted" or feel she is a true member of the family you will need to go out of your way to make that happen. Perhaps always asking before doing things like removing footwear indoors, or asking her which seat you should sit on. In other words be fairly formal until she unbends a bit. You might also suggest that you meet in neutral territory to see if just talking about normal stuff can get over her feeling like she is an outsider. Not suggesting anything elaborate or particularly personal. Coffee or after noon tea etc.

The other alternative is to never go near the woman again, but as I would imagine you want to have some contact with your father then it is worth thinking about.

I think you need to rescue this situation before it gets worse.

Arrange a meet up between the two of you and calmly talk through your issues together. Work out what each of you can do to make the other happier. Trust me you need to sort this out before it gets worse.

Thanks my dad does see my nan if she is here when he comes.
Should i speak to my dad first or see them both together ? I have told my sis what was said but she away at the minute so hasn't said anything.
Helen that is good advice thanks we don't get together all of us often so i guess we do catch up but we all make an effort to keep chat general and not talk about my mum so she can be included.
I would just hate my dad to feel torn.

so a neutral meeting with all of us ?
good idea about asking her if we can do things , i guess i have always felt comfortable putting music on etc in my dads house but she obviously is offended by this.
Not sure how we overcome the dil thing though , i will find it very uncomfortable being in her company again. I don't recall being ignorant and chatted at length to dil husband J son. Should i just forget this.
Thanks all i can be very emotional about things impartial advice is very good.

I think trying to 'blend' adult families is really hard. It was certainly not particularly successful when my dad married again - the adult 'children' had nothing in common, so we saw as little of each other as we could get away with.
I didn't like my SM either, but she was good for my dad so feelings were pretty much buried and we kinda went along with how she did things.

nanny sounds a good way to go about things