okay- new year, new brooms, how can I persuade DH to help out more?

[notaskivvyanymore]

My DH is a good man and works hard- 11 hrs out of the house is normal, plus travelling in UK and overseas. He is though completely undomesticated. We are 50s, and the last DC has just left home. For over a year I have been carving out a new career , working for myself from home, which means lots of leg work on the pc and sometimes no return - but making contacts etc etc.
I also do some other work , again self-employed,for 3 afternoons a week.

When my kids were at home we had the traditional set up- I shopped, cooked, cleaned- did everything except put rubbish/wheelie bins out and DIY.

But now, I want us to be more equal partners and not just me running the home, doing the cooking and deciding 365 days of the year what we should eat.

The problem I have is that DH cannot and will not cook. Every year he says he will learn- house is full of great cook books- but he never does. Even my kids make fun of him as they are both good cooks.

He also does not see dirt. If I ask him to say hoover the stairs he will, but he'd never offer AND he makes mess- is very untidy, hoards ( in an OCD way) and when he does do any cleaning ( if asked to) it's not great.

I admit that I have more time than he does in the house,but I am juggling chores with my work all day.

Any ideas apart from giving him a HIS/HER list of jobs to do?

I feel very resentful and taken for granted. He lived on his own before we got married ( both age 30) so he ought to know what needs doing.

Perhaps you should ask him how he would cope if (God forbid) you got ill.

Ha! I actually went away for 6 weeks not long ago as part of my new work, and he was left here with DS age 25. DS did all the cooking/ heating up ready meals and they had a huge clear up before I came back.

He'd live on ready meals or beans on toast.

That's exactly what I was thinking carer. It's terribly sad to see a partner go downhill when the other partner gets ill or died because they're just not able to look after themselves.

Have you talked to him about how resentful you feel? TBH there is no way on earth I would let him hoard things if he didn't keep them tidy - every single bit would be in the bin, and if he complained I wouldn't listen to a word of it. To fill your house with stuff and then expect you to keep the place tidy is beyond ridiculous. DH is a bit of a hoarder but he has a shed and he knows that anything that is left lying around too long will get binned if it's not put out in the shed.

I'd imagine you'll have a long uphill battle to get things to change. He's bound to be quite set in his ways at this stage. I got DH to become less of a slob by being constantly insistent (otherwise known as nagging) and by being very open with him about how his refusal to keep things clean made me feel. He has improved a huge amount although some things still annoy me but I'm willing to let those go as he has made a huge effort.

Do you wash his clothes? The first thing I would say is that if you do, stop. It's a job that you don't need to do and it won't affect you at all if you stop. You could go one step further and stop cooking for him - just make yourself something quick and let him sort himself out? Or if you'd rather be nicer about it, book yourselves in for a cookery weekend to get him started? My DH couldn't cook anything when we first met but now he insists on cooking every night, which actually annoys me a bit as I like cooking too. Since I got him interested in cooking he's tried loads of new recipes and considers it quite a fun job. He's very good at it too.

My approach has been very much to make DH aware that he is a partner in the household and that I won't tolerate slacking - a sort of "managerial" approach that I think a person who works in a responsible job responds to.

Is your home big enough you can carve it into his and hers areas?

You could then leave him to live in his own mess, prepare his own food etc.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life doing chores for him?

His standards are possibly different to yours. I'd let him find his own level, but in his own space.

What have you got against the list idea?
And what's his attitude to your proposed change? Does he know about it? Does he realise how much you resent the fact that you do most of the housework?

OP, I have this issue. Three kids and I work 16+ hours a week, cook, clean, wash, do all the childcare and he doesn't seem to think this is unfair.

I wish these men could be made to do what we do even just for a week :(

Update- thanks all.

I stopped ironing his clothes a few months back but do all the other stuff inc. bedding etc. (I didn't iron bedding for years but now DCs have gone I have a bit more time and it's 100% cotton bedding.)

Yes he knows how I feel.

I don't think I can stop washing his clothes- that seems petty when the washer is on with my clothes. It's also a waste of power/washing powders etc.

The main issue is that he doesn't know/sees what needs doing. I am not housework mad- in fact I am quite easy going, but certain things need doing every day or every week- hall floor is wood so needs sweeping or hoovering daily, as we have no porch so loads of dust comes in etc, stairs get quite dirty, kitchen floor needs sweeping/hoovering every other day and washing once a week. I only hoover the downstairs once or twice week and same for bedrooms. Bathroom gets cleaned a couple of times a week and floor washed weekly- it's a big room, 15 feet long! Ditto downstairs loo.

Until the kids left home I was cleaning their bathroom too but they did their own rooms.

I've tried to explain to him that before we got married I was quite an independent person- and now DCs have gone, I want to go back to that, not be treated as if I was his mum, or a stay at home mum who does all the domestic stuff.

The truth is that he works a 50 hr week plus travel at times so he thinks the home is my domain.

He says he is going to learn to cook but never does.

We do not have enough space for His 'n hers rooms- we have a lounge, didning room small study that is my office now, and a spare bedroom which is full of his stuff he collects, but my plan is to turn it back into a useable room for guests.

But overall he just does not "see" dirt.

The very idea of his input being "help" is a problem.

It's been said before on here but have you tallied up your hours, work + house stuff v his hours work + travel? The you do your stuff & he does his stuff brigade make me laugh, it doesn't sound like being married to me more like being back in uni and a shared house.

Then you do need a list.
Sit down and make it together, agree on what needs to be done, how often and when, then divide it up in a way you both feel is fair.
Then put up up somewhere unmissable.

Read Wifework by Susan Maushart. S'good :-)

I will reiterate, STOP DOING HIS WASHING. Give him a separate washbasket and tell him all his clothes are to go in there and he has to see to them himself. That at least will cut down a few loads a week which seems like nothing but is actually quite a lot. I've never washed my DH's clothes and there's no waste of water or electricity - I always put on a full load of mine and DS's clothes 3-4 times a week and DH does his own clothes usually once a week, again a full load. The washing machine is never put on half full. It's the one job he can't avoid because he has to do it for himself.