think my reaction to him turning up at lastnights nye party says it all

[cheesesarnie]

im always on here saying how shitty things are with dh and have been given fab advice but never seem to be able to make my self act on it.maybe im lazy,maybe im scared.dont know.but feel free to ignore me and feel free to tell me to shut up moaning if im not going to act on it.

i took the dc to a nye party lastnight.dh went to the pub.at half 11ish he turned up at the party.my heart dropped and i felt embarressed by him.he didnt even do anything.i think its that i was having a nice time just chilling and catching up with people etc and that he and i really have nothing in common anymore.he didnt 'ruin' the party i just felt different when he arrived,he had every right to be there.the whole atmosphere seemed to change.i feel bad that i feel like this,i should have been happy to see him shouldnt i?

will 2012 be the year that i grow a pair?

I haven't read any of your previous posts so don't know the background but I would say that that's definitely not a normal reaction to seeing someone you are supposed to love arrive, so something needs to be done. Does he know how you feel? Have you considered counselling? How long have you been together & how old are the DCs? Sorry things aren't great & hope they get better in 2012 - whether that means you need to grow a pair or it gets sorted out. All the best.

thanks.been married 11 years.dc are 11,10,6.he recognises that things arent great and havent been for a long long time.but doesnt really talk about it.seriously doubt he'd do the whole counselling route although i might just have to suugest it as a last resort.dont even know how id find out about relationship counsellors in our area.

I really feel for you.

If it were me, I'd at least try to get him into counselling given the ages of the children, but if he's not interested then that's hard.

Relate must have a website with useful information, so I'd start there. If he isn't willing to do something to turn things around, then it doesn't sound like you've much choice but to carry on & be miserable in your relationship (and surely you and he deserve better than that) or you 'grow a pair' & make the break. Much easier to say than do unfortunately.

Even counselling alone may help you to get things straight in your own head & understand why you feel as you do - potential first step to coming up with a plan for yourself? Good luck.

Leaving a relationship, especially when you have children, isn't easy, so stop being so hard on yourself! I don't think you should just pack your things and leave but I do think you need to gather your courage, sit DH down and tell him exactly how you feel and that he has to consider counselling or you think things might be over between you.

Is he generally a nice person?

thanks both.will look to see if relate do have a website.hes not a talky person but tough but as you said tooblunt-it may get things straight in my own head.

cail-not sure,kind of,can be but most usually grumpy and angry with the world.

I haven't read your backstory but, nevertheless, has he always been 'grumpy and angry with the world'? If so, what attracted you to him?

If he's become 'grumpy and angry with the world' since you met/married him, has this been a gradual progression or a reaction to some event or other?

Why did you feel 'embarrassed' by him? Was it the way he was dressed, the way he interacts with others? Or are you ashamed of being married to him, of being linked with him in public?

It sounds as if you have no tender feelings for him and that, in itself, could be contributing to his grumpiness.

cheese

I hope 2012 is the year you find the strength within you to leave him as he has truly ground you down to this sorry state of ongoing unhappiness. He has got you where he wants you; abuse is all about power and control.

This was the man who was dead miserable with you on holiday at Disney last year.

I think you have stayed for the reasons you cite along with the children and in the forlorn hope that he will somehow change for the better by realising what a twat he has been towards you. Of course, that epiphany will never happen.

Joint counselling is NOT adviseable; counselling for you solely is as would be speaking to Womens Aid. They can help you form a plan to leave this individual.

Your man blights your life as well as those of your children; by staying with this man you collude in this abuse of you and your chilidren won't thank you for doing so. You are both teaching your children damaging lessons about relationships, am sorry to write that but your relationship is certainly no ideal role model for your children to be learning from.

izzy-'Why did you feel 'embarrassed' by him? Was it the way he was dressed, the way he interacts with others? Or are you ashamed of being married to him, of being linked with him in public?' all of them,everything. yes that makes me a shitty person but i cant help it.and yes my felings have probably helped him become more grumpy and more angry but in my defence i feel that ive been worn down by it all,its been a gradual loss of feelings not a sudden embarressment.i just hadnt realised how much until nye i suppose.he wasnt always grumpy and angry,he was 'the town fool' only way i can describe him!he was funny and kind.he still is to others mostly,those that dont really know him.

attila- no thankyou-i know and i need by head banging against a wall.you speak perfect sense.so no to joint counselling.and woans aid would help even though theres no physical abuse?

Apologies if I'm wrong, cheese, but would this be the 'town fool' who brought shame and risk of reprisal to his family by his grossly insulting behaviour to other holidaymakers in Disneyland?

If so, I second Attila and would urge you to make your escape asap.

What you have suffered is prolonged emotional abuse which leaves no visible scars but can, in many cases, be more damaging than physical violence.

Contact your local Women's Aid organisation for advice and practical help with leaving your abuser.

he ruined the holiday yes.
no matter how much i hear about emotional abuse i cant seem to apply it to me.hes an idiot and so am i for putting up and taking the easy option.

this was disney.grumpy arse.

Ah, so he wasn't the complete arse whose exploits sprang to mind when I spotted the magic word 'Disneyland'. Neverthless, as you were told back in April, life's far too short to squander any of it in a non-fulfilling relationship. Did you get to make a trip to your local CAB?

Before you know it you'll be going on another miserable holiday and you'll repeat this post in January 2013.

Nothing's going to change unless you make it happen, cheese. How many more years are you going to subject yourself and the dc to a joyless existence?

no i didnt in the end.life got in the way
i know if we didnt have dc it would have been over long ago. and i do wonder if i could do another 11 years of this-no i cant

I obviously don't know the back story, but I hope you find the courage to do what you need to for yourself and DCs. Good luck.

thanks tooblunt.surely you should be less nice and more blunt?

Ha ha if only my boss felt that way - he has a real issue when I speak my mind (being from NI I don't think the accent helps to soften how things sound!). Really do wish you all the best & hope you get yourself sorted.

M

I think it's telling you arranged to spend NYE at separate parties in the first place tbh :( I hope you manage to work things out, or move on; whichever is better for you xx

thanks.i think weve spent one nye together in 12 years!we dont socialise together as both have completly different ideas of a good night out so completly seperate social lives.