breaking a cycle of arguing-any tips?

[NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain]

Our arguments always follow the same pattern, the house will get into a mess, when I get time off I spend time having a big blitz everywhere.

Today when he woke up (he sleeps during the day because he works nights) He came down stairs to give me a hug, stood in a transformed kitchen of which I had spent the previous hour cleaning and sorting out, he then has the nerve to say "lets agree that it will never get like this again" I reply "agreed.. but it is both of our mess" He then replies "it's mainly yours"

I got furious about this asId just spent ages cleaninging his egg pan and dried egg from at least 3 plates) I said "how many times since we've moved here (4 months ago) have you cleaned the house?" the answer is zero.

I get so mad at him he seems to just expect me to do all the cleaning because he says he tidies as he goes along but mess and dirt are two very different things.

Yes I am more cluttered than he is but I am the only one to clean the tiles in the kitchen hoover and mop the floors clean the bathroom clean the taps/toilets etc- it really winds me up.

I've decided that I'm going to stop contributing my £20 per month to the broadband and phone that he pays for and get a cleaner in, so we dont have to go through this ridiculous argument every time I tidy up. I just thought he'd see how kind I was, to tackle it whilst he was sleeping, so he could come down to a nice clean kitchen.

Has anyone else managed to break a pattern?

Now hes hiding from me like a naughty boy and won't talk to me now until I talk to him- probably in about 2 days time AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH makes me want to end the relationship Im so angry

Why do you not tidy/clean together - as a joint project? That way, you don't get into the silliness of resentment over who does what.

I think it's because he refuses to clean on demand which is fair enough.

We don't have any days off together (he works nights and I work parts of 5 days a week and go to college 3 days a week- when I confronted him about it he is sulking and says he's going out walking and doesn't want to talk to me.

I'm gutted because I have 3 days off in a row without college or anything and it looks like we are just going to be ignoring each other for a few days unles I apologise I am happy to say sorry for snapping at him as I'm quite passive and he HATES confrontation, but it wont solve the problem argh!

I understand what you mean completely.

Why say what he does, rather than - 'wow, the kitchen looks great, must have taken you ages, thank you'.
One will leave you feeling like shit and one will leave you feeling appreciated a little (even if he's not pulling his weight).

This kind of thing does my head in - why be so patronising when a positive comment would be much more constructive.

I am hardly in a great position to comment - H recently moved out - by in between, a dishwasher and then a cleaner helped me. (Of course then there is the battle of who empties/loads the dishwasher.....)

Thanks for understanding i just want everything to be fair it's my first time living with a guy and I am scared of signing up to a life of inequality

The tidiness isn't the issue, it's the immaturity with which your DP deals with conflict. What happens in future if you have a problem with a child? Will he just storm off and sulk then? I think you need to sit down with him, start out by saying that you love him and enjoy living with him, but if you're going to continue having a relationship you both need to figure out a way to communicate more effectively. This tit for tat thing is fine for kids but for adults who might in the future be looking after children it's just not on. If he refuses to discuss it with you then you have to consider your future carefully. Do you want to live and possibly have kids with a man who refuses to discuss even simple issues like cleaning with you?

Do you wanna be right or happy sometimes you can't be both

Also pick you battles sometimes people get in a lecturing rut

"
I've decided that I'm going to stop contributing my £20 per month to the broadband and phone "

Sorry but this seems very petty why is it YOUR £20 if your together their is no your their is only our

You need to sit down and right a list of expectations

if you can afford a cleaner, go for it. It's the best money I spend every fortnight and I look on it as an investment - not only do my DH and I get that cleaning time back to enjoy together but it also takes away tiresome arguments.

I'm don't know the ins and outs of your situation but he may not expect you to do the cleaning - perhaps it just doesn't bother him as much as it does you?

I empathise with your fears OP, I hate inequality in my relationship. Being the only one doing the cleaning is a real low for me. I agree you probably need to work on communication a bit, living with someone is hard work & clear communication is key to happiness IMO.

Personally I've always had a cleaner in any shared accommodation situation, it saves many an argument & is the best £30 we spend.

DH & I also found it helpful to divide tasks so there were clear boundaries as to who does what. It helps allocate jobs fairly & highlights when someone's isn't pulling their weight . It also made DH more aware of all the tasks that need doing & he's got surprisingly into it!

It's a bit regimented but it really helped us. We were having the same boring arguments at one point & it was really getting me down.

Thank you for your replies everyone, Im feeling really despondent today, its our only full day and night off with each other and he has just said he wants to go to his mates house and get stoned I said "but I thought we were going to get a bottle of wine and have it together" Anyway looks like Ill be staying in on my own tonight.
The problems are more complex- I am 18 years younger than him and I have just recently moved out of a Buddhist community where we lived for 5 years with friends on the door step any time of the day, now we're in a house and I feel cut off so maybe its not all about cleaning.
Sorry to rant just had my expectations dashed and feeling a bit sorry for myself- thanks for your advice

I have also found that having clear separated tasks is the best.
If he is tidy and is keen on tidiness, put him in charge of tidying up. You can do the cleaning.

Plus, can you go and meet some friends, or go out?

Thanks lueji I have started writing a list of chores which we will hopefully democratically sort out and allot to each other
I should meet some friends and go out I just feel really disconnected from people at the moment im really lonely