feel ashamed. cant tell husband

[bubbub]

i had councelling in may because i have issues with food. i eat when i dont want to, stuffing myself till i feel sick, then carrying on, saw councellor twice who said i had compulsive overeating disorder, linked to my abusive childhood. councelling was good. she told me i needed to be refered to a thereapit as i had had my quota of nhs councelling.
i saw my gp who agreed to refer, said it would take 3 months. 4 months later i find out he didnt refer me.
i havent been back.
since then i have struggled more than before the councelling. i have put on 4st in one year. but worst than that i have totally isolated myself, i dont go out, i cant look after myself, forget to brush my hair, ect. i am consumed with thoughts of my past, twisted memories till i get confused and question what happened and why.
i suffer from vivid horrible thoughts, ways my children might die, friends family, me, that i cannot stop.
i struggle to find the right thing to say in public as im scared it will be wrong and everyone will think im a twat.
i dont enjoy anything, i sit on the pc and struggle to do anything else. my children deserve better, they had better than this. i used to be full of life, had a sense of humour, people liked me, my kids had a great mum.
i feel so ashamed, i cant tell anyone, i told my best friend but i dont want to keep going on about it or he will get fed up with me, so i put on a happy face and no one knows how im feeling. in fact no one would suspect i feel like this as i do a good job of covering it up.
i want to go to the doctors, i was on citlopram for pnd 3 years ago for a few months and i need something to help clear the fog, but i dont want to tell anyone, i dont want to tell my hubby, he might think i am not happy with him, (im not really, he can be a flippin pita, not to mention some undesirable "habbits" but thats another post) or that its his fault and i cant deal with feeling responsible for him being upset, so i want to get ad's and take them in secret but the secrecy is stressing me out and i havent even started yet. i secretly smoke, and thats stressful, my hubby hates smoking and got very angry when i told him i started again, we went on holiday and i couldnt smoke as we were always together, so he thinks i quit then but i carried on smoking when we got home (at work, hubby works evenings so i smoke when kids in bed outside) i have to hide all evidence, run upstairs, shower, spray perfume, after every cig just in case he finds out and that is really stressful. not sure how im going to cope with the secrecy of taking pills.
i just cannot face the conversation about it. the suprise. the hurt. and i feel ashamed.
i have this feeling that people will think bad of me if they knew, scornful, like i was a bit pathetic.

You say that you used to be full of life etc. What triggered the change? You can be happy again and talking is one of the first steps. I think you should talk to your DH though too.

And I'm sure you are still a great mum in their eyes.

It certainly sounds to me (disclaimer - not qualified, just some personal experience) like you have depression and/or an anxiety disorder; they do often come together, sadly. This is not your fault, it's not a sign of weakness but an illness and it can happen to absolutely anyone.

Can I please recommend that you go to your GP as soon as possible and be very open about how you are feeling. Maybe write it down first and either read it out or just hand them the letter. This happens to many people so they will have heard this many, many times before. It would be an incredibly odd and rubbish GP who wouldn't respond to this story with anything other than instant understanding and support. If they've not been supportive in the past it's probably time for a change of GP. They're not all good at everything after all. They will hopefully be able to begin helping you quite quickly, be prepared for getting the right combination of talking therapy and meds to take a while, but it sounds like counselling has worked well for you in the past and it should again. I'm cross for you that you weren't referred when you should have been, it's so unfair you are going through this when you probably wouldn't have if someone had just been on the ball. Sometimes your Health Visitor can help too, they normally have a lot of experience with post-natal depression and some of them even do some counselling themselves.

As far as telling people goes, unfortunately extreme anxiety about what people will say and think comes as part of the parcel. Probably people will be a lot more supportive than you fear. For confidence, though, I would suggest you arm yourself with loads of printed information about depression before starting that conversation and maybe have your best friend there with you to back you up since he already knows. Remember anything you tell your GP is confidential, there is no need to tell your DH just because you go to the GP. It may be better for you to wait until you are starting to improve if you have a special reason to believe he will be unsupportive - has he expressed a particular misunderstanding of depression in the past?

Just take it all day by day or even hour by hour if you need to. Chances are that you're doing a much better job at everything than your illness lets you see right now and your kids are doing absolutely fine. Remember this illness throws a very distorted and very negative mirror image back at you. In some ways, your strength is being your worst enemy right now allowing you to function so well that nobody sees you're in so such pain for so long. On the up side it's that same strength that will let you claw your way back out of this. Now is the time, though, to go demand all the help you can, look after yourself and not worry about anyone else too much for now, even your kids; getting yourself back on track is the best investment for their future you can make right now.

Great post Farlo.

Get back to GP OP, I bet they will be mortified not to have followed through on the original referral.

Don't worry about telling DH at this stage, just go to GP first. You can get better OP, you sound strong and intelligent, just take that first step again.

thank you. i know i am not thinking logically. dh has never expressed any form of negetive opinion about depression and he was great during my pnd.
he does have a habbit of making everything about him though. and this depression wouldnt be about me, it would be about him and what he has done or not done to make this happen. which i dont want to deal with.

i have tried to make 3 doctors appointments in the last 3 weeks, under the guise of ear infections and each time i have not been able to get an appoinment, our surgery you cannot prebook, just phone at 8am and its first come first serve, by 8.04 usually they are all gone.
i have to time it right too, i dont want to take the girls, and i need to be around for school runs. the surgey is also closed from 23rd dec to the 3rd of jan. so its a waiting game.

fuzzypeach, the councelling changed me. i went in with one issue and found it to be connected to a lot of things i had burried for a long time, dredged it all up to the surface and then they kind of dumped me. councellor offered to keep seeing me away from nhs, but it would be £35 an hour! i couldnt re-bury it, and i didnt know how to deal with it.

There's nothing shaming about anxiety. I had counsellign for it after my son was born, I let it get to a point where it was pretty much ruling my life. It helps to see it as seperate to yourself if that makes sense. It's not something inherently wrong with you, it's anxiety that makes you think in certain ways. Tbh, if you've put on 4 stone in a year then your dh must know somethng's wrong surely? I still struggle with the occasional episode of anxiety, and having to explain it to my partner was very difficult as for the most part it;s so irrational and there's nothing he can actually do to help. I think the askign himself what he's done to cause it is actually him trying to be helpful- he sees it as a practical problem to be fixed. My GP was fab btw, I was prescribed anti anxiety medication that worked pretty much immediately to take away that horrible physical feeling of dread, and enabled me to cope day to day til my CBT came through. I don't know how it is in your area, but in mine if you;ve already been seen by the anxiety and depression service you can self refer back to them, no need to use the GP as the middle man. I'm going to do this myself next week as I've had a few niggles in the past fortnight that I want to nip in the bud before they become too overwhelming. Knowing you've got an issue is one of the biggest hurdles, really. If I get referred back to my CBT therapist, even if just for a few sessions, I;m going to see if dp can come with me for one. I think it might make it easier for him to support me should I need him to. Remember as well that anxiety is a disease that wants to isolate you. You don;t want to go out and have people judge you, you don;t want to explain it you your dp in case he doesn't understand. Go ahead and see what happens if you ignore those thoughts. (And yes, it's way easier said than done)

Of course you're finding it difficult to sort this out- you're ill, everything must seem so mixed up.

I agree with everyone here- back to the GP as quick as you can. Shocking that they neglected you when you were so vulnerable. It's made everything harder for you, effectively interrupting your treatment and leaving you with unresolved feelings.

Can you go with your best friend - if he's there it might help you take the jump again.

They should refer you for a mental health assessment, where a preliminary diagnosis will help you kick start a treatment programme. Eating disorders (which you have been told you have, eating disorders are not just anorexia but include compulsive over eating as well as bulimia) are complex beasts, depression and anxiety issues may well be involved but a fair few other things - the physical impact (abuse) takes its toll too. Don't be scared of treatment. Eating disorders units treat outpatients quickly and effectively, often with a combination of approaches. You will very quickly start to feel like you're making progress once you're on the path.

If referral takes a couple of months, ask them to recommend some books for you. These often contain CBT exercises that you can start doing yourself and also will give you valuable insights to your illness. If nothing else they demonstrate that you are not alone- many other people battle this illness - this isn't some weird and horrible thing that only you do. You will get through it, you just need help- as everyone does when they're sick. Some areas also host self help groups, which may work for you too- ask your GP.

Unfortunately, shame is a common feeling when it comes to any mental illness- particularly one involving food. There are a million reasons for it - but the messages women get sent re food consumption and body image dont help us one bit. Whenever you feel you can talk to those closest to you, it will help you and when you explain your illness to them I'm sure they will do all they can to help.

It's a clever part of the illness- those 'voices' that tell you you're worthless, that people will think you're a twat, that you'll be hurting others if you talk to them. Dont listen to them. You'll soon be able to kick them to kingdom come.

You are loved and obviously loving. You deserve better than to feel so awful for so long and to do it alone. My thoughts are with you all the way to the GPs room and beyond.

update.
been really struggling, dd2 was really ill last week, ended up a&e, horrible week of her sleeping in my bed, well not sleeping till about 3am every night for over a week, i was shattered. dh asked me if i wanted to go back to work full time as i clearly wasnt coping with the housework, and as i clearly dont enjoy it i should go back to work, (i work 3 full days a week pt)
so was feeling really shit about the house being a state and it feeling like an impssible task every day, like being on a treadmill and it never looked better than when i started.
he had had to do the kitchen for that week as i was just so tired, and the rest of the house just went to shit a bit.
so i decided i had to get help as my home life was suffering so went to docs today, explained everything and she was aghast that the referraL wasnt sent v appologetic and sypathetic.
referred me again, and prescribed me citlopram 20mg. took my first today, feeling nauseous and shaky, dont know if its linked or coincidence.
she advised me to tell dh. so i came home and said...
" um...doc gave me anti biotics for ear infection and also has prescribed me some anti depressants, because i have felt really down and been struggling for a long time."
and he replied. " god the give out pills far too easy these days, everyone feels down, does that mean everyone gets pills? god, if the make you feel better if you feel a little down, they must make you feel amazing when there is nothing wrong with you!"
to which i said " well i clearly do need them, and it can hardly be a suprise because i had councelling last year, was referred attemptedly to a therepist and was diagnosed with an eating disorder! so that hardly makes me look fine and dandy does it?but thanks for your support dear, nice."
he grumbles, muttering under breath while staring at pc screen again. then changes subject, makes random small talk.
dd1 has sore bum and doesnt want tp sit at table. dh suddenly gets cross with her and shouts. gets annoyed when i comfort her and get her at table, by putting cream on her bum first. he then is ok again and makes small talk as if nothing has been said or anything has happened. while i cook dd lunch changes subject again says
"why didnt you tell me you were supposedly feeling down?!" i saY, "I dunno, its not something i feel comfortable talking about, its hard to discuss, i guess thats part of the illness isnt it?"
"HMPH i dont know. IS IT?!" he says incredulously, gives me peck on lips then storms off to work.
so that went well...

replace some of the "the's in the sentances with "they's"... my y key is sticky. lol

It's not helpful, but he sounds a bit of plonker.

Glad you're getting help and hope the Citalopram works. XXX

I think you will be feeling sick and shaky because of the Citalaphram. My Doctor recommended I started with a half a tablet for the first three mornings and then went on to the full tablet. Anyway :) You will feel much better in a few days, once the medication kicks in.

Your DH does not sound in the least sympathetic, pretty much like my own DH. I know now that he was the cause (and still is!) of my depression, panic attacks etc etc :(

You did the right thing going and getting help.

Citalopram is grim the first few days, but it does get better and it has really helped me over the years. If the symptoms persist, do see the GP but give it a week or a fortnight for it to settle down.

Please be kind to yourself. You are dealing with tough things, and you have taken action to sort it out. That's a lot more than many manage.

Bet your h is cross because you have kept it from him, and that first makes him look like a bad guy and second means that he can't make it about him. Poor petal. My take on this (similar situation, my h threw out my anti depressants until I was threatened with being sectioned) is assume that you will get no help from him and work round getting support from other places and finding ways to look after yourself assuming no help from him.

Is he likely to be cross at you big style from 'keeping it from him'? Practice staying cool and calm. Some would be really upset because they really want to support you and feel rejected that you couldn't go to them. You will know if that is the case. Do you feel able to say, 'I am sorry, but I have too much to deal with to look after your emotions. Please deal with that yourself.'? Because actually, you do need to make it about yourself (within reason).

Now he knows that there is a problem, he may well step up and be supportive and helpful. Good luck.