Sorry in advance for a rambling message - just need to have a moan without off loading on RL people on New Years Day.
Background - H moved out a couple of months back at my request after almost a year of trying to sort things out between us. No affair, no violence, huge lack of support, love and respect over the years, coupled with a few major events and now on my part a lack of trust that things can be as they should be. 3 kids.
Had a great day yesterday just me and the kids. He is here today to spend the day with us and I feel like crap already. I don't like the way he talks to me and questions my views, pushing things to try and make me out to be wrong/unreasonable etc and I feel totally panicked when he is here. If I say anything to him about how I make me feel that it's all down to me and he is doing nothing wrong. Other people don't make me feel like this though.
They have all gone out for the morning now and I feel really sad. He says he wants things to work out but the person I see coming round here several times a week is not someone who desparately wants to work things out.
What would that person be doing? I'm not sure, but certainly not being constantly confrontational and then telling me it's hardly surprising.
Of course it's not surprising really but the 'I really love you and want things to work out' that he says when leaving after a day of making me feel really uncomfortable always seems more like a piss take.
Unlike some people posting on other threads, I don't feel beside myself when he is not here. I feel calm and cheerful and like I can be the Mum I ought to be. I haven't missed him at all (although he's round several times a week anyway). My work has improved and I don't feel like i have a massive weight on my shoulders on the days when it's just me and the kids.
They obviously love him, I am the main carer, and I am crippled by the thought of not having them with me if I push ahead to finalise a separation rather than try and make things work.
I am terrified to make things work, as the month prior to him moving out was the most bleak one I have ever had I think - on the verge of tears all the time - work, shops, walking down the street. I can't go back there.
I've no idea what I'm actually asking if you are still reading this (thanks!) but feel a bit better for waffling. I did post a while back, but he registered on MN and may or may not have found my threads. He certainly had a lot to say about the opinions of strangers!
Thank you and Happy New Year.