had enough of abusive husband want to leave but dont, confused, please help

[yummytummy]

have posted about husband on here before and he has been an arse to me for quite some time now but i think today was the last straw. he is generally quite distant and gets knakered after work and never in a mood to chat much. so last night i was a bit annoyed he could tell i was stressed but i said nothing then we just went to sleep.

then this morning i just said that i was upset as he is always distant doesnt hug unless i ask him to wont snuggle in bed unless i say and will never initiate sex. then he just went mental and said i am ungrateful and after 16 years people dont need to do those things as the level of care is there or some such rubbish. i said well i was just saying what i would like and he said you are never happy always moaning always got a problem, then he said you are lazy lazy lazy and fat and thats why u have been having backache lose some weight and stop eating.

at this point i was in shock and just said well at least i am not a skeleton ( he is very thin)

anyway then i left it and then after a bit said dont u have anything to say to me he said no it was all true. then i said u dont talk to me like that he said i dont care just leave me if i am so bad. i said fine then he grabbed my arm to the phone book said solicitors in there i pulled away then he threw book around the room then stormed out of house.

so i am just fed up of the constant abuse and how its always my fault i make him angry blah blah bollocks um no u are actually just a bastard.

i think havew had enough now so sick of hearing how fat and useless iam. am not even fat about 12-14 ok bit of tummy but so what i dont have a problem with myself only when he says i am fat.

feel so down hard to know where to start.

he will say he will getr all money assets etc as he pays it all and i am sahm. he cant get kids can he? so sad and worried about them most of all as ds is always saying why is daddy always angry with you etc etc

any help really appreciated

No, the courts would say as you are main carer, then that would continue.

You will be able to apply forall benefits. See a solicitor for money/asset details. But he is wrong. You could end this relationship and be better off. Good luck!

He will not get all money assets, it all goes in pot then allocated on need basis.

Before you do anything or say anything, get copies of all bills financial paperwork bank statements joint or otherwise mortgage/ rent details it's a big job. Wait til he out bung it all down library get copied. Your CDs will be better off protected from thisvtypebof bullying behaviour.

Once you ready get legal advice then plan how tell him and where dc will be and who will there for you. A lot of people change locks though not technically legal it's seldom challenged. Your actual divorce petition can be done by you, you only need rep for assets finances bit and possibly accesscifvyou can't agree on that.

This all seems full on but if you serious I would be ferreting any cash away not in bank accounts. Hide any pics or valuables as some partners can be v spiteful and take/damage things.

When you've dealt with practical side give yourself time to rebuild self esteem as he is eroding this. You will be stressed but aso enjoy such a great sense of relief and freedom away from this bully.

Please ask anything over comming days re above i' ll help if I can.

thanks its just all so daunting when i think of having to do these things i freeze and feel like i cant do it. he has worn me down so much dont feel confident or strong enough to do such a big thing. also worry that ds will blame me for making it that daddy doesnt live with us. hate feeling like this i used to be so confident and the stupid thing is he used to be so nice and i have kept hoping he would calm down and be normal again but i have realised now that will never happen.

too much has been said and he cant even be arsed to apologise for saying such nasty things. is this kind of thing enough to leave over though? maybe it is just me and i should try harder not to annoy him. just so muddled in my head

Goto relate on your own they can help you unmuddle.myoumwill get a reduced rate I think, and it may help clarify how you feel give yourself time to work this out, withdrawing affection is emotional abuse and threatening you with phone book is intimidation. Are you at your best? Are you and you h being good role models for dc and setting healthy blueprints for their future relationships.

Obviously my last post is if you are sure about separating. You would be v surprised where you find the energy from to do all that stuff. You be surprised it can b e quite empowering as you taking back control and independence of situation you have felt helpless about.

Last thing, you say you wish he could be how he was, only you know if you think he could be capable of this a d has the motivation to change and maybe goto counselling? Do you feel you need to check this first to be sure, or is it a case of waiting for the next time when things may escalate further?

Make sure you eat well what you can this is all very draining, keep your hands busy, make sure you get out as well for space. Goto GP get any health concerns logged on medical records, may seem devious and unimportant but if you anxious or not sleeping you can get referred for counselling and it does no harm to have these documented, sorry if this seems devious but you don't know what's ahead at moment.

please look after yourself, plan easy days with dc's

dont think he would go to counselling have asked in past he has refused. also dont know if he cares enough to want to improve things. its hard as all family think he is great as he is very good at portraying his best side to everyone else. therefore when anything happens its automatically my fault as of course he would never act like that. feel worthless as no one believes him capable of such evil and he is very good at arguing things out to make his point

It does sound like you have been ground down. BUT not enough to know this isn't right how he treats you and how it used to be different. You know bully's are basically insecure and lack confidence so out others down to make themselves feel better. If he is so convinces you need a divorce re book n comments why doesn't he do it?

It's not easy it is a indecision but I think you need to talk further to someone in rl who you can confide in and explain all is not what it seems. Someone must have witnessed something. You will need your friends and family you'll be surprised by where your support comes from.

How olds is ds?
Do you rent/own?

I have to say if you ever feel scared you must ring WA and DV unit if you are threatened.

ds is 4 and dd 9 months. own house but he pays mortgage. i just made mistake of trying to talk to him again trying to get an apology which i know wont happen he said what he said was true but maybe the way he said it was harsh. but refused to apologise and then said hope u sleep crap i have trouble sleeping anyway. aaargh should have left it feel rotten now and like now i def wont sleep.

Oh yummy sorry please don't give him anymore chances to hurt you.

Right doesn't matter if he pays it is your name on deeds? You entitled to a share based. On need decided by judge if you talking equity in your favour as have two children. Keep any info you now have or find out to Yourself don't forewarn him even if you don't go down this route as it. Only causes hassle.

You are then entitled to % of earnings deducted at source from wages. If you do want to go down this route get copies of salary payslips bank statements his p60 as you can use this to prove how much he earns, know it all sounds callous but they can dodge or be slow it's betterntonave as muchninfo as possible. Same if he is self employed get copies of tax returns. Pension statements any investments savings. If you have any cash or savings in your name transfer them to children's savings scheme, courts can't touch that and neither can he.

If you do leave do this bit by bit, collect info, as when you separate your energy will be elsewhere and he may try to hide assets courts cannot force them to declare things.

Do not sign any financial papers for joint loans or transfers. Don't worry if your name is not on deeds, you can get an order/claim on property via land registry to prevent sale as it would be subject to court proceedings. Again you can do this without a solicitor people their help you with correct form though it is hard to follow but doable.

You and your Dc's are v young and deserve better.

First things first, get yourself to CAB and tell them your situation, and ask them what you can do to protect your position.

It may be that you get to stay in bthe house, and he leaves. Even if you leave, you can get a charge placed on the property so he can't sell it without you getting your share.

You need to understand that it's never EVER going to get any better, that he's barely even started to mistreat you, he'll get shit load worse. You'll end up practically ceasing to exist.

Your kids ARE suffering. They are living in an abusive environment, and as a consequence are deemed as being directly abused themselves. They will demonstrate development issues, their confidence will be stunted.

You get them out of there, and the damage already done can heal. YOU, in time, will heal.

Give up on this guy, he's a write off, he could end up killing you, or harming you babies. Get your family out.

We're here for you every step of the way. Don't think you can manage this, you can't. None of us can.

Yummy, I think the other poster was suggesting counselling for you on your own. This is important because if you try to go to relationship counselling with an emotional abuser they will simply use the counselling session to further abuse you, hone their targetting of your vulnerabilities (revealed in said counselling session) and, if you are unlucky, get the unaware counsellor to back up their 'right' to unload their abuse 'feelings'. I know, I did it and it was truly a nightmarish experience.

However, counselling on your own can be very helpful at clarifying feelings and allowing you to become sure.

As for feeling like you can take action, YOU CAN DO IT! One. step. at. a. time.

Listen to your instincts and inner voice. If she is telling you that it's time to take action to protect yourself and your DC, to build a happier life for you all, then don't doubt yourself, have faith and just take the first step.

He sounds depressed.

-ds is always saying why is daddy always angry with you etc etc-

Read this over and over again when you are unsure. This should motivate you to have a better life for the 3 of you.

Otherwise you are teaching them this is how relationships are in real life and they will go on to repeat the pattern.

All the best! You can do it! (I did).

Yummytummy, I remember you previous posts about your horrible husband. He's been violent to you more than once occasion, he broke your wrist and he beat you up when you were pregnant. And he is a doctor .

Please speak to Women's Aid, and make an appointment to see a solicitor. You really need to get some help to leave this marriage. Your DS can already see that things are very very wrong at home.

You are a professional woman and can make a wonderful life for your DC on your own.

hi thanks for all replies really helpful. cant write much at the moment he as at home until tuesday. will write more then and can respond more. i know it is probably the best thing to leave but when i start to think about it feel frozen with fear and unable to act. you do get used to being treated progressively badly as it is gradual and its hard to remember the line where normal behaviour and abnormal behaviour meet. will probably not be able to post anymore today will check on tues when i can please keep posting advice helps so much. still cant shake the feeling that it is mainly me that makes him angry etc etc even though somewhere deep down i know it cant all be me.

Love, the fear is the same for all of us. We all know how scared you are and how paralysed by it you feel.

This journey of yours to freedom has just started. It is a long road, and can be painful, but it really is a road you must travel. There is no alternative really.

We are here for you for however long it takes, either on here or on the EA support thread you will find in this topic.

Can I suggest you get the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? it will really help you understand what is going on and how it's nothing to do with you. It will show you that you are not alone, and that there ARE things you can do to improve your life.

Let us know if you need anything?

Yummy take that first step.

Go to CAB and make an appointment with them to find out where you stand if you split up. (Usually 50% of all assets of the marriage).

or

Ring women's aid or domestic violence helpline. They will just talk to you if that's what you want, to help get some of your thoughts clearer. Or they can give advice and help you sort out practicalities when you are ready.

or see a solicitor.

Now is the time to start planning an exit. Can you tell family or trusted friend that you are thinking of splitting up?

Second suggestion of Lundy Bancroft book. But don't let on about any of your plans/actions to him, you just don't need any extra stress.

Hope you've had a better day today.