ARGH I have upset my family!!!

[craftyknickers]

I went to the doctors yesterday about seeing a counsellor to talk about the attack and abusive relationship I recently left.

They are going to put me in touch with a councellor which I am pleased about.

My grandparents asked how it went and I told them about it. My nan who is very stuck in her ways and has a very strong opinion doesn't see why I need a councellor.

Her words were 'well cant you just put it behind you?' and 'you can talk to us about it instead'

I explained that I dont want to talk about the horrific things to them and I feel I need help in learning to have a 'normal' relationship and to trust my feelings and instincts.

This lead on to many questions so I ended up telling her that I believe one of the reasons I didn't spot the abuse earlier is because of my childhood experiences and I don't know what is normal behaviour. I said you learn how to be an adult from who you are brought up around.

She disagreed totally and accused me of putting all the blame on my mum, I wasn't at all, I was just trying to explain why I needed to see a councellor as she couldn't understand.

I don't know what I want out of posting this I just needed to rant as it has upset me. Has anyone else had this problem of family not understanding what you are going through?

That's exactly why seeing a counsellor helps.
I dont mention now that I am in therapy to my mother as she reacts as if personal affront to her (yes how she brought me up is discussed but amongst other things). I wouldn't let it put you off going but just don't mention it/change the subject is my advice.

Don't talk to your family about your recovery and counselling.

The fact is, and this is inescapable, part of the reason abuse happens is because of family conditioning. There WILL be things you remember from your childhood that set you up for certain incidents, that's just the way it is. And it's natural for family members not to want to blame put on them. So they get all defensive and you feel awful/unsupported/guilty.

It's just not worth the fuss. Concentrate on yourself. Your counselling is something you're doing for yourself. If anyone asks, say "it's going fine thanks" then change the subject. If they press you, say "I'm sorry I don't want to talk about it, it's private" and leave it. If they get upset with that, well that's not your fault. It's not appropriate to discuss counselling with anyone except your counsellor, and people who are fully supportive of your recovery. I.e. people who are secure enough in themselves that they're not afraid of perhaps being blamed.

Your nan's totally proved your point there though, hasn't she? You tried to talk about it and she got upset, which is not exactly what you need.

Great posts from Gigondas and oikopolis. I agree.
The counseling is about you and for you. It is really no one else's business.
Keep it private.

There was a line in Crocodile Dundee that went:

Linda Kozlowski : She's in therapy
Paul Hogan: is she mad???
LK: no she just needs to talk things through
PH: Doesn't she have any friends?

People, especially family, just want to help and support you. I don't know (nor want to know) what your issues are but take comfort from the fact taht you do have a supportive family.

Maybe a simple "Thanks Nan but outiders will help me get some perspective on the issue".

A good councillor will make you fond your own solutions, not fond them for you.

Its probably hard for her too, whether she was a part of the problem or watched it, or didn't see it.
And a tiny point please dont flame me but how did a conversation about your bad relationship lead to your upbringing? My Nan brought me up and she refuses to acknowledge the glaringly obvious (that she brought me up because the parents couldn't) so I don't mention them. What I'm trying to say is maybe your nan (like I know mine would) thinks you're blaming her daughter for your problems. Loyalty is a funny old thing and in a really round about way I'm trying to say maybe she's upset because you have to go outside for help and she feels she's failed. HTH sorry for it being so long

The last people you need to talk to are those that may have had some bit part in why you accepted what you did.

My family can't handle anything to do with my situation, they all FFed off to NZ the week X was leaving. Then couldn't bear to be on the phone with me for weeks. I was utterly alone.

I have looked up DV support groups, enrolled in the Freedom Programme and started therapy. I have MN and I have a select bunch of wonderful women on FB to bounce stuff off. All in all I have pretty much wrap around care... and not a single member of my family is ever inconvenienced

Let the dust settle, it'll blow over, after all they are not going to want to take on any responsibility for your situation , so will brush it all under the carpet as soon as they can.

Don't worry crafty, you are doing the right thing, just don't talk about it with them.

Well done love, you are making such immense strides!

Can also be a generational thing as in "keeping it in the family" & "stiff upper lip".

Also, I can´t help thinking that you must be close to your GPs-it´s not the sort of thing I could have mentioned to mine at all.

Probably not parents, either-even if they weren´t the cause.