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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

angry when he doesn't get sex

28 replies

tipping · 31/12/2011 12:20

Hi all
My husband has, i think, a reasonably high sex drive. He'd love to have sex every day and certainly feels he's missing out if he doesn't have it twice a week. We've been together 15 years and i'm 41. He was always more interested in it than me. Problem is if i decline out of tiredess or no libido he gets so angry. When he hasn't had sex for a few days he becomes very touchy, irritable and moody. Which then makes me want sex even less...it's a stupid vicious circle i guess.
Has anyone any similar experiences?

OP posts:

sunshineandbooks · 31/12/2011 12:49

Yes. It was just another symptom of the fact that he felt his wants and needs trumped mine. In the end, it culminated in violence and I left.

I'm not saying your H is a violent abuser BTW. It is very common for couples to have a mismatched sex drive. In itself, it's not a problem. But unless you can come up with a compromise that doesn't involve you feeling coerced into keeping the peace, you do have a problem.

Bear in mind that there can't be 50/50 compromise. If you don't have sex with him, he will experience frustration. If he has sex with you against your will (even if you've actually said 'yes' to keep the peace), then at best you'll feel used and at worst you'll have been raped. What you can live with trumps what he wants.

If he's otherwise a good man, try some reading about this subject (google is a good place to start), or if you're both brave enough, try seeing a counsellor (not necessarily a sex therapist).

Ultimately, though, if you say 'no' he has no right to coerce you with mood swings and anger. If he won't stop it after you've made it clear how unacceptable that behaviour is, you have a far bigger problem than mismatched libidos.

Hope he just needs a lightbulb moment though and that you find a solution.

solidgoldbrass · 31/12/2011 14:48

Is he actually any good at sex? Because often men who see themselves as entitled to sex on their wives' bodies are lousy at doing it, sex is all about despunking the man and not much fun for the woman. Also, a very common problem with this sort of libido mismatch is the sex becomes more and more a matter of how little the woman can get away with allowing, it's a miserable chore to her, and (unless he's a total arsehole) not much fun for him either.
Have a look at the rest of the relationship. Does he do his fair share of domestic work? I expect he doesn't, as men like this generally percieve women as there to meet a man's needs, but of course a man who treats his partner like a servant becomes less and less sexually desirable to her.

If your partner is otherwise reasonable, it's worth having a chat with him about what you can both do to make each other feel happier in the relationship, but any changes are going to have to involve some effort on his part, not just getting you to lie back and open your legs more often.

ThompsonTwins · 31/12/2011 14:52

Spot on SGB. A guy who participates fully in the life of the household - best aphrodisiac around. One who expects to be waited on, does not look after the children and puts his own needs first is an utter turn-off.

susiedaisy · 31/12/2011 18:50

I can sympathise Op my exH was very similar but I'm afraid i don't have any great words of wisdom for you, in the end it was one of the reasons we split, amongst other things, I guess you've tried talking to him about it and that hasnt worked, could you suggest some counselling together?

thunderboltsandlightning · 31/12/2011 18:52

Does he need sex or does he need orgasms? If it's orgasms then DIY is the answer when you're not also interested. If it's penetrative sex then the question would be why does he want to penetrate you when you aren't interested.

Him getting angry with you for not wanting sex is bullying.

kunahero · 31/12/2011 19:40

Have to disagree with sgb a bit.
My dw and I have wildy mis matched sex drives and I do lots around the house, work full time, look after dd most eves and nearly all weekend to give dw a break, hoover, wash up, do the laundry and cook daily. Dw is a sahm.
Her idea of a good sex life is twice a year whereas mine is twice a week. Its always been this way and we have discussed it repeatedly and no compromise can be found.
I love my dw more than anything so I have to 'please myself' but I am not happy about it but for the sake of our marriage I put up with it. A husband who would like more sex isnt always a lazy useless shite about the house!

LineRunner · 31/12/2011 20:04

Indeed, kunahero, but it's a possible dynamic worth mentioning.

Something is not right the the OP's relationship and I hope she's able to work out whether it's loss of desire or intimacy or respect or affection or any or all of the above, and for which potential reasons, looking at the whole time-line.

kunahero · 31/12/2011 20:21

I think the anger he is expressing is either a symptom of something else or just a childish excuse for not being able to deal with a caveman like 'need' for his husbandly 'requirements' not being full filled, this being the 1940's!

babyhammock · 31/12/2011 22:50

A husband who would like more sex isnt always a lazy useless shite about the house!

SGB didn't say that. She said that a man who feels 'entitled' to sex and bullies his partner when he doesn't get it is usually a lazy shit round the house.

Original poster

tipping · 31/12/2011 22:56

Actually he is very un-cavemanlike in general. i work fulltime whereas he words for himself and generally does far less hours than i. He does all the grocery shopping, cooking and washing up. And can look after the kids as well as i.
think counselling is a very good idea. He admits it isn't fair of him to be so moody about it.
I do worry about the standard of counsellors though.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 31/12/2011 23:11

Yes, please 'shop around' till you find someone you can trust as a counsellor.

solidgoldbrass · 01/01/2012 09:51

If he's otherwise nice then there is hope for finding a way of sorting it out. Sometimes couples get fixated on the whole 'is there going to be sex tonight?' thing, because the high-libido one is desperate and therefore jumping on every opportunity, and the low-libido one is dreading the idea of even a friendly pat on the shoulder being interpreted as 'Wow, a touch! Does that mean sex? Sex? Can we have sex?' Sometimes fixing it is as simple as the alternate-nights method eg only one partner each night is allowed to initiate or ask for sex; the low-libido partner feels more relaxed due to knowing that on every other night there will not be a conversation along the lines of 'Sex? Sex? Any chance of sex?' and therefore more inclined to actually consider wanting it.

fireflymouse · 01/01/2012 11:40

I'd love to be with a man who wanted sex every day even just a little one or a few times a week, why I settled for someone with such low sex drive when mine is high I dont know but its really not nice. I'm not sure if its the sex itself or the sense of intimacy it brings but I think the physical release is important to mood and sense of well being also. It's not nice to make you feel bad about it though, but I have to admit I probably sometimes get moody with dp as the lack of sex and intimacy makes me feel low and lousy and like I've settled into old age at the age of 28. It's probably important to talk about it, also I've just read the previous post and think I'm going to mention that to him.... it just feels wrong to be trying to get a man in the mood when its usually the other way round...

bodaba · 01/01/2012 22:01

I would love your problem! Sorry to sound flippant but I would be very happy to be with a man who wanted frequent sex

Original poster

tipping · 03/01/2012 12:58

It doesn't sound flippant bodaba or fireflymouse. I think it must be very hard for you both just as it is for dh.
The 'alternative' days theory is interesting. I might talk to him about it.

OP posts:

Victorialucas · 03/01/2012 16:16

When you say 'angry' what do you mean? How does it manifest itself?

Original poster

tipping · 03/01/2012 16:46

How is he angry? Snapping at me, cold-shouldering me. Being moody with me sometimes for days on end. Shutting himself up in his attic with his computer. Starting to talk about how we're, 'growing apart'. No physical violence and no threat of it. He punishes me emotionally.
During these periods i don't feel attracted to him at all. But feel coerced into making moves on him. Then he'll need persuading (because he's still cross even though he's horny) and i end up practically begging for it because I can't bear for him to continue to be so moody.

I should probably mention that although I do sometimes want sex - though not as often as him, i have bladder problems which can make it painful. He knows this and has been kind about it...but he says he just can't control his anger and frustration with me after a few days of not having sex.

OP posts:

TooMuchCaffeine · 03/01/2012 16:48

Similar problem to ours OP. He gets grumpy and snappy. Have you examined reasons why you don't feel like it? For me it is boredom; lack of adult social life since DS was born 8 years ago; tiredness and stress/harassment; weight gain; and generally feeling nothing terribly exciting happening in my life. I'm 46. We have talked about it and trying to address my ennui but nothing changes much.

TooMuchCaffeine · 03/01/2012 16:54

Sorry x posts. Your situation is soooo similar to mine in terms of the way your DH behaves and your reaction to it. It feels so unfair that they place so much emphasis on sex doesn't it? DH 50 this year and shows no signs of slowing down yet!

TooMuchCaffeine · 03/01/2012 16:56

tigermoll · 03/01/2012 17:05

but he says he just can't control his anger and frustration with me after a few days of not having sex.

You see, this sounds very worrying. So he 'can't control' himself if you won't have sex with him? Which means that, if he's angry or moody or shouts or gets violent, that its your fault, because you 'know' that if you deny him sex he 'can't control' what happens next.

A friend of mine had a partner like this. In an effort to placate him, and avoid his inevitable bad moods if she turned him down, she ended up acceding to his every request. He insisted he needed to have sex three times a day, or he couldn't be expected to be nice to her. And you know what? Even after all that sex, he found another reason to be horrible to her.

Original poster

tipping · 03/01/2012 18:22

gosh that's horrible tigermoll. Poor woman.

TooMuchCaffeine good to hear someone else is in similar boat! Too be honest I'm just tired in the evenings after work and after spending time with the kids I'm longing for bath, bed and a book! It is selfish of me though. I need to try and prioritise more sex. I keep meaning to try and have it once or twice a werek but i forget. Because it just doesn't occur to me.
DH says he finds me more attractive now than when we first met (15 years ago) so that's lucky i guess.

OP posts:

tigermoll · 03/01/2012 18:55

He was a pretty horrible piece of work. She's not with him anymore, - she's found someone much nicer.

Its great if you are prepared to prioritise sex with your partner, because you want to. But not because you fear his reaction if you don't.

Helltotheno · 03/01/2012 19:01

Then he'll need persuading (because he's still cross even though he's horny) and i end up practically begging for it because I can't bear for him to continue to be so moody.

See that to me is just completely and utterly unacceptable. You're being seriously emotionally manipulated here and giving in every time. If my dh pulled stunts like that, he'd go without for a year
Sorry not much help to you but I definitely would make it clear you're not going to tolerate that behaviour. There has to be compromise...

Victorialucas · 03/01/2012 19:09

This is sounding more worrying in each post. Have you considered that he might be getting off on you 'begging for it'? He is being very manipulative. Have you had a conversation about how he would cope if eg you were hospitalised for a few weeks? What would he do then? Have an affair?

It is totally reasonable for you to feel tired and not in the mood after your long day- he should be lightening your load if he wants you to have more sexual energy-has he/you considered this?

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