Fed up with constant criticism

[dollydoops]

I have realized over the course of a few months that DP is always criticizing me in little ways. For example, tonight when I was washing up she said 'aren't you going to rinse the dishes?' and moaned about the dishes not being clean when I wash them. Then she was grumbling about the way I was preparing the mince for shepherd's pie. Then we were talking about my cousin coming for new years tomorrow, I said I would cook and she said fine, if you want to show off.'I just feel that she could be nicer. Bit sad.

Have you said "hey, you're bringing me down?" to her?

maybe she doesn't realise she's doing it. I know my parents are very negative so was brought up to think that's how you communicate. I was like it for a while and someone pointed it out to me and i couldn't believe how badly i was coming across.

Try telling her and seeing if she's horrified - i know i was.

I have tried. If I say anything she gets upset and angry and says that I am much more unpleasant to her (which I honestly don't think is true) or tells me that she tells it like it is and I should be able to handle it.

Then you need to seek relationship counselling, I'm afraid.

It's good 'though, in some ways - recognising where you're going wrong and addressing it.

:( Sorry to hear this.

I second the advice that you should talk to her. It's likely to be one of two things, and her reaction to talking will tell you a lot.

The first one (and I hope what it is) is that perhaps she is feeling stressed or depressed herself at the moment and is not dealing with it well and so is lashing out at you. I have been doing this lately with DP and I feel really terrible about it. Have been trying to catch myself doing it and also organised some counselling for the new year because I know that it's not fair on DP and in no way should he have to put up with this. We've talked about it and it's helped because I was trying to pretend it wasn't happening rather than trying to deal with it which wasn't helping at all.

The other possibility - and I know I will get flamed for this, but you could be describing the first signs of a potentially abusive relationship. This is exactly how it starts - little comments which you don't feel are a big enough deal to pick up on, and then they start happening more and more.

I wouldn't present any of these theories to her or offer her explanations to pick up on, just a very simple conversation along the lines of "Look, some of your comments recently have been very critical and I find them hurtful." and see how she reacts. If she is upset and apologetic or says she doesn't know why she has been doing it, that's a good sign that it's hopefully an issue you can work through (or something external which she needs to deal with). However if she is defensive, says that you are too sensitive or defends her comments as being just the truth/a joke, then be wary, very wary. In fact if the conversation goes like this I would seriously consider ending the relationship now.

Xposted. I know it will seem overkill to some but I would end it. This is not a healthy relationship.

Try reading the emotionally abusive relationship by someone Engel (beverley?). It deals with this exact issue.

I have actually been lurking on a lot of the EA threads for a while and have spotted many signs. One big thing is DP's reactions to attempts to talk about issues. She becomes aggressive and says some horrible stuff, quite personal. She also swears at me a lot. Now I am not saying I'm perfect by any stretch, but I can't remember the last time I swore at dp. I do shout though and get very upset :(

Have you been together long and are there children involved?

Seven years. She has two dds, the younger one (17) lives with us.