just want to vent about my nightmare MIL

[jemjelly]

Bit of background first, I have been with my DH for 20 odd years, my MIL hated me "for taking her little boy away" we met when I was 15 and my now husband was 17. As an example of the shit i had to put up with, the first year we were together she ripped up my valentine card and then posted it to me with a spiteful note because my card was bigger than the one my now husband had brought her for her birthday !! The agro continued through the years and eventually I got to the stage where I would only see her for a couple of hours a year on Christmas day, this suited both of us.

My DH and I moved in together and eventually got married 10 years ago, and I agreed to start seeing her for a few hours once a week for the sake of my husband. I used to cook a meal, make a bit of small talk and then leave my DH with MIL and FIL while I made an excuse and went upstairs.

My FIL passed away 12 months ago and now all of a sudden my MIL wants to be my best friend, she visits at least 3 times a week and often turns up unannounced. She will arrive sometimes as early as 3pm and stay until my DH insists that he takes her home which is often as late as 10pm, its driving me insane. I think she really wants to move in with us, she says she is lonely but will not accept any help or suggestions, I;ve even offered to go to a local over 60's club with her a few times untill she gets used to it so she can make some friends but she refuses to go as it will be "full of old people", she's 81 !!

I had to put up with her all day Christmas Day from 11am until 8pm and Boxing Day was the same baecause she refuses to be on her own and has alienated any friends she used to have because she is just so difficult. My DH has OCD and I've come to realise my MIL is the same though her fear is growing old and dying.

We've been invited to a friends party tomorrow night and my MIL is really putting the guilts on and trying to stop us going, she has been ringing me all day saying "I cant spend NYE on my own, you can't go to the party without me"

We are going to see her tomorrow morning for a few hours to try and keep the peace but I know she is going to be a nightmare. Has anyone got any coping strategies, I'm dreading how she is going to be, I think she'll turn on the tears in front of our 4 year old daughter to try and stop us going which scares my little one, she only thinks of herself. I do feel sorry for her as we are her only family and she has no friends but I'm really starting to hate the impact she is having on my family.

You cant run your life around her. My life almost revolves around my 18month old but even he has to sometimes fit in with me and do things he doesnt want to or allow things to happen that he doesnt want to. Possibly she is scared that if she doesnt start to get along with you, her son wont see much of her and eventually she will truly be on her own or maybe she feels she is dying and wants to make amends. x

Your DH should handle this, she's his mother. She is clearly a sad case and needs a lot of support. You and your DH should decide between you how much support you're willing to give then your DH needs to sit down with her and tell her the score. You're already being very kind to her despite her behaviour, good on you for that. Once you have some clear boundaries set things might get easier.

Thanks Ellen, I know you are right, she needs to take responsibility for her own life but its really difficult and the barrage of phone calls and tears really wears you down I suppose I have given in to her too much in the past because I just want an easy life and hate arguments but its getting ridiculous , she is healty but she doesnt want to do anything on her own. She rang us and woke us all up at 1am this morning becuase she had had a nightmare and that kind of thoughtlessness is happening more and more often.

I think you have to take control of this situation tbh.

Her turning on the tears in front of your 4yo is beyond unacceptable. I'd suggest if she does do this, get your dh to take the child out to the car to get her out of the situation, then tell mil that you are going to a party, for once, and that if ashe had have wanted to socialise, then she ought to have arranged it.

She needs to understand that her life is her life.

I agree this sudden interest is all about her, but she should have thought about that before shouldn't she?

Stick to your plans and start organising her visits, get the diary out and plan them. If she'd been nice to you all along, it have been different, but you have every right to be cynical.

Better yet. Let your dh do whjat he should have done years ago and tell her to behave or leave you alone.

She's terrorising your family! The phone calls at 1am? I'd explode! I know it's hard, but you have to draw a line and insist on your boundaries being respectedm

Yes it will be hard, yes it will bring out the weird in her, but it has to be done.

I would turn my phone on silent! No one can expect to phone and wake me at that hour and expect a pleasent response except in the case of an emergency. Maybe be gently but firm with her. Maybe you should start doing things she cant... Like zumba fitness classes or something or just say that you are... is another option (works on my sister). You shouldnt have to lie but sometimes it is what ois required or maybe do two classes or something and forget to mention you didnt bother going again!! x

Its good to get other peoples perspective on the whole sorry situation. I feel guilty sometimes that she doesn't live with us but if she did my life would be totally ruled by her and I know I would be running for the hills within a few weeks.

We have tried organising visits but she ignores us and just turns up in a taxi, as I don't drive and its too far to walk (about 7 miles) I'm stuck with her until my DH comes home. She has even been known to come looking for me if I'm out, last time it happend I was in the park with my daughter and the dog and she still found us.

I think we need to get social services involved as she threatened suicide on Christmas Eve when we said we wanted to spend the evening on our own (again I am sure this is just a guikt tactic) and she does nothing in the house, it smells because she is too lazy to do it herself. My FIL used to do all the cooking and cleaning even towards the end of his life even though he was dying from cancer because she thinks cleaning is beneth her, she has always bragged that she doen't know how to use the vaccum.

:( She sounds dreadful, agree that you can't have her living with you. You need to detach but I'm not sure how.

The phone calls have started, DH got so frustrated with her he just threw the phone aross the room. Feel bad about it but I'm going to turn the phone off but no one shoulod have to put up with this should they?

God, no. Nightmare, I really feel for you. How many missed calls were there this morning?

As far as it's possible to tell from what you've said, I think there's probably something behind how utterly unreasonable she's being with you (how can she think it's suddenly OK to descend on you unannounced all the time and stay for hours on end from a baseline of seeing her once a week?). Was she this dependent on FIL? Would grief counselling be an option?

So? Are you going to this party?
And have you actually said to her that she must phone you first to arrange coming at a time that suits you all and NOT just to turn up.
I think I'd be tempted to hide behind the sofa if the doorbell rang!
Pass everything else to your DH. If she calls, duck the call if he's not there to take it. Detach from her as much as you can.
I think you're being very kind - too kind possibly - considering how she's been to you previously, but then she has been bereaved. She's struggling to find a life for herself, and seems to think that yours will do!

Hmmmm. DH got so frustrated with her he just threw the phone aross the room

The one bit of advice my parents always gave me was "look how a man treats his mother, because that's how he will treat you"

That's a terribly misleading cliche.

A friend of mine found herself in an abusive relationship. Ironically when she was first introduced to his parents she was charmed by how lovely and respectful he was to his mother.

After that ended she met someone else. Again she noticed how close he was to his mum. Turned out that whenever they had differences he would call his mother about it and discuss EVERYTHING with her (including sexual issues).

Is she a member of a church? Sometimes the church can arrange for people to pop in as if by chance.... It's hard for someone in their 80s to start making new friends, going to new places, making a new life for themselves, doubly so if they're newly bereaved.

You do need to set boundaries though. Make a firm arrangement, for instance Sunday lunch, and stick to it. She is lonely, and it may be her own fault but she's not in a great position to turn her life around now, is she?

I'd go for one supper a week and Sunday lunch. Give definite times. Then I'd be hiding behind the sofa!

If she stays fit and well for a few more years you may find she's worth her weight in gold as a babysitter, though, and contact with gcs could mellow her beyond recognition!

I just want to hear that you went to the party.

We did go to the party and had a brilliant time catching up with friends we've not seen for ages. Really glad we stuck it out with MIL. We saw her yesterday pm before the party for a few hours and she was terrible, she screamed at me at one point that we were dumping her.

We found out out the party that MIL had rang one of our oldest friends mothers to check that there really was a party. I don't know exactly what was said but my friends mom told her that she needs to let us live our own lives or she will just drive us away, thank god she didnt Agee with her, it would have wound her up into a frenzy.

I do feel sorry for her BUT she is a very difficult woman to be around and I have no good feelings about her and never have because of the way she has treatede in the past,I find it very difficult to be around her. We've spent the day with her today but DH has promised to take her home at 8pm so I only have a few more hours to go.

She used to go to church but she says she blames god for ruining her life when my FIL died (he was 84) so she can't go to church anymore.

I feel really stuck with the situation but things are definatly going to change this year. I can't carry on like this she makes my life a unbearable and I jump every time someone comes to the door.

She sounds very depressed, have you got her GP involved because that could maybe help. And often people will listen to authority figures outside the family. I would really recommend that path

Am that she rang your friend's mum to check there really was a party!

I wondered this when I read your OP, but this update kind of confirms it- search this site/google for info about narcissistic personality disorder.

So sorry you're having to put up with this.

I know, I was really mad about her checking on us, I'm 41 for gods sake.

I've goggled narcissistic personality and she does tick a lot of the boxes. Thing is most of her issues aren't age or grief related she has always been this way, most of the problem is there's no one around to dance to her every whim anymore since my FIL died.

She doesnt seem depressed when she's with us and we are doing something she wants to do, depression would be a constant thing wouldn't it? She's been perfectly happy today sat on my sofa being waited on hand and foot.

Glad you went and had a good time.

You need to set visiting times, don't you?

In some kinds of depression, yes, people can cheer up temporarily according to the situation. I know from personal experience - OH found it hard to understand.