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Original poster

Feel like we're not going anywhere...

9 replies

KateBeckett · 30/12/2011 12:35

I've been with my DP for nearly 5 years now, and we've been living together for the past 2.

Recently I've been starting to feel a little resentful, because I am ready to start thinking about marriage and children, but DP isn't.

We have had discussions about it, and all of his reasons are valid - he want's us to both be settled in a career and financially stable and to be able to afford a wedding, and to explore a bit more before we start having children.

He has also said that he does want these things with me, and I have no reason to disbelieve him. We had a similar period of our relationship before we moved in together - I was ready to do it about a year before he was and it got pretty tough before we made the move (that was slightly different though as we were in a LD relationship and I was starting to not be able to cope with just seeing him weekends...)

But over the past year, a ridiculous number of our friends have gotten married / engaged / announced pregnancies, and I am starting to feel like my DP and I aren't going anywhere... I guess I'm just jealous of everyone who is in the throes of organising weddings and having babies. That;s what I want too, but I have no idea when I'll be able to have it...

Just feeling sorry for myself I guess, and needing a little vent! Thanks for letting me get it out!

OP posts:
captainmummy · 30/12/2011 15:34

How old are you? do you just want babies and wedding because 'everyone else' is doing it?

JosieRosie · 30/12/2011 15:39

It can be difficult when you feel that there is lots of stuff going on in other people's lives but not in yours. My BF has just told me she's pregnant and it's left me happy for her, but also feeling quite sad and isolated, like there's a party I'm not invited to. And I don't even want children!

It's really great that you're talking to your DP about how you feel and what you want - so many couples don't talk about these things. Could you ask him for a timeframe? TBH even though it's hard, it's a positive thing that he's being so thoughtful about it, not just going 'yeah yeah whatever' and taking a back seat in all the decision making.

Original poster
KateBeckett · 30/12/2011 15:54

Captain, I can see why you would say that, but honestly, no. I want these things because I want them for our life together, and have done for a while... I guess the fact that a lot of people around me are getting to these stages in their life has made me feel sad that we (or rather DP) are not. I'm 25, DP is quite a bit older, so I am also a bit worried that if we wait much longer to start thinking about these things he'll be a really old daddy!

Josie, we have talked about a time frame, but it's mostly been me saying when I would like to do things, and his 'time frame' is more about achieving certain things like a house, a settled career for both of us etc. It's hard to put a time frame on when those will be achieved! And I have said what will happen if we don't ever tick everything off on his list?? Though he thinks that's unlikely.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 30/12/2011 15:57

How old is he?

I'm thinking at 25, you have lots of time ahead and I'm on his side really.

JosieRosie · 30/12/2011 16:00

I think he's probably right Kate, sorry! I wish every prospective parent thought as long and hard as he is about making sure that they can afford a baby and are in a stable situation before becoming a parent. Not suggesting you're taking it any less seriously than him, but you're obviously at different places in terms of emotional readiness. Also agree that at 25 you have lots of time so no need to rush.

Flanelle · 30/12/2011 16:05

NO need to rush in the world, but equally, if you're ready then you're ready. If he's right for you and you're right for him and there's no reason to wait then ... why wait? He just sounds quite comfortable and set in his ways, which isn't a sin. How old is he OP? How will it be if you're still waiting in five or even ten years time? He can have kids any time these next thirty years probably, but you can't.

Flanelle · 30/12/2011 16:06

Give the waiting a deadline, which you both agree, maybe? Like two years or something. Something to work towards. Might help.

Original poster
KateBeckett · 30/12/2011 16:11

He's 36!

And, contrary to how I've made it sound, I'm not asking him to get me pregnant right now, even though I'm ready for kids now. I would like to be married first, but I definitely want to start having kids before I'm 30 / he's in his 40s. The rate he is going though, I'll be waiting til I'M 40 before he even proposes...

I guess I know I just have to deal with it... but it's making me so sad. Especially seeing as the couples we know who are engaged / having kids have been together 1 - 2 years, and we've been together 5! I feel like there's something wrong with me if he doesn't want to commit to me after all this time... (irrational! I know!!)

OP posts:
kodachrome · 30/12/2011 16:16

Oh he's scarcely a dinosaur either. Give it a couple of years if you're happy in the relationship apart from this.

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