So upset, angry and need your advice!

[3GirlsMum]

My DD3 was 2 last week and my dad and SM havent sent her anything and we received no phone call...I guess they forgot. The problem is that this isnt the first time they forgot one of my childrens birthdays...they did it with DD2 as well when she was one and I had a huge argument with them about this.

The background is this..SM has three children of her own who are made more welcome in what was my "family home" for many years when mum and dad were together. I thought I had a good relationship with SM but over the years its almost as though she is trying to alienate my side of the family and my brother and sister feel the same. My sister and I now live 250 miles away from my dad who has only visited where I live once in 7 years (yet he could go to Leeds to pick up my SS from university which is further away)!

My brother has three kids, is separated from his partner but still lives close to my dad yet my dad and SM make no effort to go around to see the grandchildren there either. On birthdays £10 is usually posted to the grandchildren on our side, usually no visit or phonecall (even when I lived closer) and thats it. However on SM's side they attend the parties, presents are bought (to a far higher value than £10) and generally a lot more fuss is made. Please dont think this is money orientated it isnt its the principle.

So today...still no sign of any card and cards that were sent and late because of postal strike arrived days ago. So my question is what would you do. I really dont want to lose touch with my dad, had a bit of a difficult childhood with him at times as we clashed because we are so alike but I have been through a lot with him over the years, particularly when he and my mum separated.

He refuses to believe that SM and him treat anyone any difference. How can I get across to them that I believe they are?? This is starting to really get to me now and I up fed up with them being part-time grandparents who only see the children when we take them there. Just for the record my dad and SM arent "old" parents have no illnesses and disabilities that prevent them travelling!

T x

p.s. dont think I said this already...DD3 is 2 and they have never met her yet!

I don't really know what to say as I've not been in this situation but I can see how this must make you feel.

Have you tried giving your dad a call and just saying that you love him and that you don't want to lose touch (but wouldn't mention your thoughts on SM). Maybe invite them for the weekend... suggesting they come to see DD3 as "she's growing up so quickly". Maybe suggest they come for Christmas? or invite yourself to theirs.

Sometimes time passes so quickly people don't realise how longs it's been until it's too late.

Men will be men and they are not as thoughtful as women or it's not in their instinct to be nurturing to children.

I live with my father-in-law and he has never taken my dd (now 18 months) out to the park or to the local shops. Maybe he thinks it is too much effort and can't be bother and it's just the parents job to look after your children. When he came back from his holiday, he didn't buy any present for dd, just a few biscuits for himself (but we ate some of them...hehe).

It's a bloke thing, I just let him get on with it, if he wants to be more active with dd then she is there everyday, if not fine. Still need to decided who to put dd with when I go into labour as I need dh with me to control the pain.

I agree with beetroot.

This must be horrible for you.
Beetroot had some fine advice - try to accept what you can't change with grace, but the situation sounds quite hurtful.
Scoobysnax
xxx

More sympathy from here. I agree with Beetroot that confrontation will probably just put your dad (and your stepmum) on the defensive, and make matters worse.

I think Beetroot's suggestions are good and worth trying, but beyond that I think there is little you can do. Try not to let it get to you too much - I'm sure it's not a conscious effort to alienate you. (((hugs)))

I am sending sympathy too 3girlsmum ....
My Father In Law and his wife are nominees for the Pants Grandparents Award too.
The other day Step Witch In Law told me that she is paying for her 3 grandchildren to go to private school ... the thing is that she has no money and her money is the allowance that FIL gives her ...
I don't particularly want my DS to go to private school but considering PsIL live20 minutes away and never ever make any move to see DS when they see her grandchildren at least every 2 weeks (they live 2 hours away) ... it really gets to me.
Granted ... I don't like Step Witch AT ALL ... but it hurts that FIL (who isn't a bad old bloke really) shows no interest in his grandson ... he is the same with all his own grandchildren ... (he has 7 altogether and never sees any of them).
Anyway .... I don't have much advice except to say that if you can try to do some of the things that Beetroot says (I will too) ... and try to rise above it if you can (that is what DH says ... but that is easier said than done I know!!)
Hugs .... {{{{{}}}}}

I have started a similar post about useless families ... it's not easy to cope with is it? The fact that we are not really asking for anything other than a bit of recognition and possibly a bit of love and support ... it's not too earth shattering is it?
TBH 3GirlsMum - I think that it's those of us who are in this situation who are suffering. I can only assume that those causing the anguish are too self centred to worry about anyone other than themselves.
Even though I don't have any advice ( I'm looking for it on "my" thread !! ) My theory is that its our anxiety that will destroy us - whilst the others are too ignorant to bother. So it's upward and onward and worry about those nearest and dearest to us ....
Same old adage - you can choose your friends BUT not your family.
Thinking of you

3Girlsmum,
I don't know if this is any comfort but there are some people out there who are kind and good people but who just do not "DO" birthdays. I realise this may seem hard to believe to those among us who think birthdays are important, but "forgetting" a birthday is just not an issue if you never remembered it/gave it any importance in the first place.

How do I know this?
I am one such person. I honestly ( and I do not say this for effect ) have trouble remembering my own children's birthdays. My daughter in particular - I just can't remember if it's the 16th or the 17th of the month.
All through our childhood my dad had NO IDEA when our birthdays were ( there are 4 of us)

You may have other issues with your dad and his involvement/non involvement in your family but I would discount the birthday thing.

yes but I bet you send them a late card, u dont just ignore it.

3girlsmum, I have all this too. My dad is married to his 3rd wife. My mum was the first, she died 10 years ago. About 5 years ago he went on holiday to Thailand and came back with a wife. They divorced and now he is on his third, also Thai!! It's actually quite hilarious. His Thar wives ask him stuff like will he buy their children a house in Thailand. At one time he said to my sis, do you think I should buy her son a house? My sis said, yes, buy him a house, why don't you buy us all a house?

He replied, I see what you mean!

He forgets birthdays and stuff, because it was my mum who remembered all those things. He phones up and says, give her £15 and I will give it to you when I see you. I always say, yes, show me a photograph of a £5 note.

It's only because his wife has the stuff that's important to her uppermost in her mind, and he has to keep her happy so that he can live happily from day to day. His wife isn't mean or anything, but she hasn't really taken on board learning all our birthdays, she is a lot younger than him for a start, and not used to having to worry about 7 grandchildren. She thinks he is taking care of it and he doesn't think about it because my mum always did it and for him it doesn't feel important.

When he does this, we always have a laugh about it, and I remind everyone about the times he has got me out of trouble in the past, coming to get me when my car has broken down, or the loo is blocked (before I learned to do it) etc.

I know your dad and my dad are two different people but perhaps my experience is of some help, I hope.

Message withdrawn

I forget birthdays too. It doesn't mean I don't care about people. I also think men are much, much less likely to remember birthdays than women - my dh doesn't think they are important. Of course, he remembers mine - because I make sure he does! I think it might help to ring your dad to tell him it's your dd's birthday. I also agree that your SM's family get gifts etc, because SHE buys them, not your dad. I don't think women should be blamed if they don't take responsibility for their partner's family - I don't see it as my job to buy gifts for my BIL and SIL and remember their birthdays. But TBH, I do think the birthday thing is not the real issue in your case. Have you actually invited him to your dd's birthdays? Have you suggested your take your family to see him in his home one weekend? You probably have, but if not, why not ring up and suggest it.

Hi. Thanks for your replies on this. I decided to phone my dad about it last night..and yes they had forgotten! He was very apologetic about it and said that they had forgot to transfer name over from last years calendar...yes ok could happen..but what does it always happen to the grandchildren on my side of the family.

I personally do think it falls to my SM to do cards presents etc. I do expect her to provide for our side, after all my children call her nana and they are her grandchildren as well. Added to which I never miss her birthday or their anniversary.

They have been invited to parties for grandchildren on our side but never go. There is a real divide issue here between each side of the family that is getting wider and wider over the years and the only people responsible for this have been my dad and SM. I really do think my dad doesnt realise this is happening, he is extremely busy with his own business and relies on my SM to sort everything out regarding the children...what man doesnt...I know that its the same with all members of my family!!

So great that a lot of you do understand what Im going through and how hurtful it can be. I do realise that I am going to have to accept whats happening to a certain degree but at the same time I will tell my dad when I am unhappy I dont believe in just ignoring it and hoping it will get better, it never does.

As for my dad not seeing my daughter who is now two...well the reason we havent been down south was because we were the ones that always made the effort both with my family down there and my DH's family. It got to the point where felt a little more in return would be nice, added to which we have three children and my DH works very long hours (also doesnt help that eldest hates to travel and I suffer from a few phobias which means travelling is really hard for me as well)!

I dont think its much to expect my dad to see my daughter at least once in two years and I made the point to him last night that I would like him to have a relationship with them, even if its just a telephone call several times a month. I think the problem with my dad is that his family were never close and it wasnt a priority and to a certain degree he is the same way.

Well DD1's birthday is next month..really hoping that they dont forget that..lol!!!

T x

I would suggest you call your dad a week or so before your dd's birthday and remind him if you want him to remember it. I personally don't think you should treat it as a test of his love. Also, why not invite him to come to her party or to stay with you again. I find it hard to suggest visiting people if I don't have a specific invite.
I wonder why you think it is your SM's job and not your dad's to remember these things? I take a pretty feminist view on this personally! It is NOT my job to remember my MIL"s birthday - I don't expect my dh to remember my mum's b'day so why should it be different the other way round? Though in reality I do remind him if I remember, which I don't quite often, and have no idea when his brother and SIL's b/days are.
HOWEVER, if your SM basically brought you up and has been your stepmum for ever then I do think it's different and she should treat you and yours just the same as 'her' family, but if she came into your lives when you were adults, then I do think it is different. Also, do you have a mum? I presume not from your messages, and I expect that makes a difference too.

Hmm interesting viewpoint aloha bit I dont know many families where the wife or female partner doesnt send the cards...in fact none other than people that have said so on here. I do have a mum and she lives near me and I have a great relationship with her. I moved up north 7 years ago now and I am glad to be near my mum so that my children do have grandparents they see on a regular basis.

TBH the forgetting of the birthday isnt the only issue here. I can understand my SM not treating me and my siblings the same as her children, however, I do feel that all grandchildren should be treated the same. This isnt just one incident there have been numerous occasions when my dad and SM havent bothered with the grandchildren on our side yet do plenty on my SM's side.

As for my dad and SM staying with me, well I have asked them on numerous occasions and there have always been excuses. They now have a litter of new puppies so thats another reason why they cant. Like I said its not a case of me being upset because of the one incident its a culmination over things over the years and whilst I should expect it now it makes it no less the hurtful when its something that effects my children.

T x

How interesting this is - feminism clearly hasn't got very far though in the present-giving sphere I still think that it is your dad's job to remember your kids birthdays (if it is anyone's). I think the reason your kids are treated 'differently' is because your SM does everything for her kids,and your dad forgets yours - so I can't say it is 'her' fault this happens. Maybe - just maybe - your SM assumes that she acts as granny to her kids and your mum acts as granny to hers (ie I don't suppose your mum buys gifts for SM's grandchildren - or does she?) so it works out even. Don't know if this is true or not. I don't suppose your dad treats the grandchildren differently as I bet you anything that if it was all left to him, NONE of the grandchildren would get cards or presents! In the end, surely they do get treated reasonably equally if everyone has a doting granny? As a stepmum myself I will always give presents etc to my stepdaughter, but then I've known her since she was six. And I don't beat myself up about not spending as much on her as I do on ds over the year because she gets presents from her mum, her dad, her stepmum and her stepdad, wheras ds only gets presents from his mum and dad, iyswim, and she would be buried under an avalanche of gifts, clothes etc from everyone if we all gave the same amount.

I agree with aloha on this. I do my family's birthdays, but my ILs seem to expect me to remember theirs. TBH I know what month most of them have birthdays but I've never been told the actual dates, so I don't consider it's up to me. MIL will ring & say has DH remembered it's so&so's birthday & I always laugh & say no, why should he? He doesn't even remember our children's birthdays & 2 of them share a date!

My brother only remembers my bday because it's the day after his (so he has no excuse, and knows that he has to post ME a card, on HIS bday), but never remembers my children (his wife also shares the joint date & STILL they "forget" nor anyone else. He got married the day after the 3rd anniversary of our father's death, not realising the significance of the date, & doesn't remember our parents wedding anniversary, or my fathers birthday (as dates to ring mum- engraved on MY memory).

Bit of a ramble there (sorry) but I agree with aloha that it's a man thing & shouldn't be!

3girlsmum, my dad and his girlfriend (of 20 years) have forgotten ds's birthday twice - guess how old he is! 2!!!!! God I was bloody annoyed. Anyway they have one more chance if the forget it next year I will tell them to forget all birthdays and christmas's, I can't be bothered with the hassle. In fact, now that I am in a rant, last week they gave me the kids xmas presents, I had to wrap them up! To say the gifts are thoughtless is putting it mildly. I don't care what things cost but you don't grab something off the shelf in Sainsburys for your grandchildren.

Anyway, I think the stress of it is too much for me so I wish the wouldn't bother at all. (Last year they got a tree ornament each - I mean...)

Step-MIL & FIL forgot DS2's first birthday this year, which I thought was pretty bad, but they were mortified when they finally remembered, so that's OK!

I think this will really become an issue when the children grow old enough to realise. Imagine how you would feel if at the age of 6, 7, 8, etc, your own grandparents forgot your birthday? I just don't think the relationship could mean the same to the child after that. (Not for materialistic reasons either, just as a matter of joining in their special day, celebrating their presence in the world, which is what it's all about).

I agree, at the moment it just upsets us but what about when they are older

Thanks for your replies. My sentiments exactly..how will my children feel as they get older and realise granded and nana have forgotten. Saying this I do think they feel guilty as I have had another call from them tonight re christmas presents and my DD1's birthday so hopefully things will improve..although I wont hold my breath..lol!

Im a stepparent as well and would NEVER forget my stepchilds birthday. Its me that buys his presents and sends his cards. Like I say..can understand that SM may not treat me as her own but my children are her children and she has been around since before they were born. I do expect all grandchildren to be treated the same. She has the honour of being their nana and as such they need some sort of relationship with her.

Im a SAHM and my DH works long hours so I think its only fair that I remember and do the birthdays on both sides. My SM is in the same position so I expect, rightly or wrongly, that she should do the same.

For all of those that are in the same position (((hugs))) it is very hurtful and unfortunately its the children that suffer.

Take Care

T x