Ex has cut all contact. Probably should be feeling glad, but feel so sad!

[Milkandlotsofwineplease]

I will try and keep this brief, as I've posted about it before, and probably bored several kind people on here to tears in the process.

I moved to London in July, leaving behind my partner of nearly 5 years (who I was living with) Originally the plan hadn't been for us to split up. Sadly, this is what ended up happening. We still stayed friends though, and I always hoped (and indeed this was implied by partner also) that we would get back together. I would still have (foolishly) called him my best friend, and he was still the person I always went to when I need someone to talk to/advice/anything really.

He's been down to visit me several times. On the last few occasions I'm afraid to say the trips were funded by me as I was so desperate to see him. He's lost his job recently, and wouldn't have been able to come otherwise. Last time I saw him was 8 weeks ago.

Anyway, 3 weeks ago I decided to come home on the spur of the moment. I was desperate to see him, and to try and sort things out. When I got here though he kept making up excuses not to see me. Eventually over the phone he told me he thought it was best if we "Don't see each other at the moment, as he has his own issues to deal with". I had to literally drag this confession out of him, for the 2 days beforehand he was acting like I was paranoid for thinking he didn't want to see me. I begged him to reconsider, but he totally refused. I asked if he has met someone else, he says not (don't know if I believe that though)

So I went back to London, incredibly upset. I had to postpone the trip for 2 days as I was that upset I couldn't stop crying for more than an hour (pathetic I know) I came home for Xmas on the 24th. Just before then I sent him an email saying I was in dreadful pain over the fact he wouldn't see me, but that I would keep my dignity, and respect his wishes. Also told him I was sorry for any hurt I had caused him, and that I love him very much. I said I would be deleting his number, and taking him off my FB. Not to be petty, but because I found the whole thing so upsetting.

Within a few hours he was texting me asking when I would be home for Xmas! When I replied he just started saying "I hope you have a great Xmas etc". Then talking about how he was out drinking with his ex boss. I didn't really know what to say, I thought if he was drinking it was best not to lead him into saying anything he might not mean.

Since I came home I've heard...nothing. Not a text on Xmas day, nothing on Boxing day either (which is my birthday). He has literally cut all contact with me in one fell swoop. It's pathetic but I am totally lost without him. I can't sleep (have panic attacks in middle of the night), the holidays have been a total misery (I'm putting a brave face on for family, but I feel so sad). I'm dreading New Year, I always used to spend it with him, and his lovely family. This year I don't even have any plans.

Everyone keeps telling me that he's doing me a favour, that he's not right for me etc etc. I want to agree, but the fact is that I just feel hideously empty. I can't comprehend that he has done this so suddenly. The fact that he wouldn't see me 3 weeks ago, when I'd travelled 500 miles, and pleaded with him is SO humiliating.

I know this is a horribly self pitying post, that people go though MUCH worse, and I need to (wo)man up. It being Xmas (and my birthday at same time!) has made me feel very alone with it all though. I never thought he would ever treat me so coldly. I only went to London because he told me it would be the better idea. In hindsight I can see he hasen't loved me in a long time. I've just been too stupid to see it. I feel as well that if I'd tried harder/being a better girlfriend we would still be together. Where do I go from here? Any advice from the wonderful women who have been through much darker times than this, and healed afterwards, would be much appreciated.

Happy belated birthday darling. I'm sorry things have been so hard for you.

It will all be over sooner than you think. The emotions calm down in time, you find that peaceful spot again. you will feel better. I know it sounds trite... but you just need to give it some time.

I have been through this, and harder, and I will tell you there's light at the end of the tunnel. Your job right now is just to get through the next few days. Just hold on, that's all you need to do. One foot in front of the other.

I'll hold your hand for a while if you need me to. What time is it where you are?

One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time if that is all you can stand to deal with. You WILL get through this and you will look back one day and thank your lucky stars.

When everything calms down and goes back to its normal routine, it will be easier to deal with also. Christmas and holidays make things harder IME.

Happy belated birthday!

Thank you for the birthday wishes. It's very kind of you both, and much appreciated.

Looking back at my post, it's written to make me sound the victim, and him a total arse. In actuality I did things wrong in the relationship that I'm now kicking myself over, wish I could change it all.

I honestly hand on heart, NEVER thought he would turn his back on me like this though. I guess I was stupid enough to think that (because we were still seeing each other, and seeping togethert hat we were still connected, and I really thought we still might have a future. The fact that he never even called/texted to wish me a happy birthday has floored me. I never thought he could be so cold.

He always used to tell me he wasen't a very nice person, believed in revenge etc. Now I'm thinking was he seeping with me, letting me pay for the bulk of trips to London, meals, daytrips and so on as part of a plan to get back at me? It's too horrific a thought to get my head around!

I know I will get through it, but at the moment I'm just really hurting. To add to it, my friend told me tonight that she just want's to spend NYE out with her boyfriend, because she 'Doesn't want to have to worry about anyone else'. Even though she knows how upset I am!. She's hideously insensitive sometimes, and I KNOW she doesn't mean to be hurtful, but still FFS?

Okiopolis-I am in the UK. I will be surfing the net until God knows what time. No point in trying to sleep when I've run out of sleeping tablets. But please don't feel you have to hold my hand. It's very late, and I'm sure your tired. It's really lovely of you to offer though-thank you.

I'm in Canada, it's 7:45pm where I am! Hold away if you need to.

In any event you sound like you've got an idea of how you're going to get through this. You're understandably still in shock so of course the emotions/insights/memories wash over you at intervals.

It sounds like you two both had your issues. That doesn't make it easier does it? Almost makes it harder in fact. So much to mull over, regret, etc.

Thank you Oikopolis, you are very kind.

I'm not even sure why I posted TBH. There's nothing anyone can do, and in the scheme of things it's pretty minor. Everything just getting a bit much atm.

I even had an Uncle ask on Xmas day, "Why I wasen't married yet?" and then make a joke about how he's had his suit for my wedding hanging up in his closet for years!

All very hilarious under the circumstances, and on the eve of my 33rd birthday.

Sometimes I just get gripped by a terrible fear that some people are meant to be alone, and that I'm one of them. I know that's not rational but the thought of never finding anyone to sucessfully love, and have a family with chills me.

Urgh, more self pity, how very unbecoming! It's time I went to bed I think.

It is xmas you know... these things are overwhelming at this time of year. as you say, add the assortment of clueless relatives into the mix and it can just get unbearable, you start seeing everything as an omen.

You probably aren't meant to be alone. Not many people are. The numbers are on your side my dear :)

I'll check back here later but I hope you manage to get some sleep. You will feel better if you do. Try to eat something sensible and drink lots of water... all sounds silly but when you've had a shock like this, it's the little things that keep you from feeling even more dreadful than you have to.

And maybe tomorrow you can get some books/rent some films, take a long bath and then hunker down somewhere private for a marathon of restorative alone time. I'm sorry about your silly friend being so insensitive too btw.

Thank you again, you are so kind, it is much appreciated.

I am going to go to bed now. No man is worth missing out on the amount of beauty sleep I have lately!

I'm used to my friend being hideously insensitive normally, but even she's pushed her luck tonight. It's not as if I want to spend the night weeping into my cocktail. I'm quite prepared to put a brave face on! Still, NYE is only 1 night, it's my own fault for not staying in London, and arranging something amazing anyway.

Thank you again, goodnight.

Oh Milk so sorry. I can imagine how awful this feels. More hand holding. You clearly don't know exactly what might be going on with him and are probably torturing yourself over it. Guess you moved to London for work and may not have that distraction during the holidays. Once work begins again life will resume its usual rhythm and in time you will heal. No getting over the time it might take. Be good to yourself - are there any NY resolutions you could take up? Exercise? Evening class? Academic or professional qualifications? Hope you manage some sleep tonight. As to NYE, I have spent a few of these alone. Fill it with little treats - a boxed set, a delicacy to tempt you to eat, a good bottle of wine, an early night with a good book. Am an insomniac and will be about for a while if you are still awake. Hugs.

Lazily, I haven't looked up your old threads, but I do seem to remember that the ex boyfriend treated you like absolute shit, and getting away from him was the best bit about moving down South. Unfortunately you also left all your support network behind and felt very lonely and adrift. I really think it's your loneliness that is making you rewrite your relationship in "it was at least half me, if only I'd tried harder" terms. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that jazz. Last time he came down to visit you - totally at your expense iirc - he didn't even treat you decently either. But I could be misremembering because I do have a rubbish memory, to be fair.

He's really not a nice person and you do know this really, but you're kind of in the habit of fitting round him, making excuses for him, and thinking of him as yours even if being with him doesn't really make you happy.

If I were you I'd look into the logistics of moving back home but NOT, repeat NOT, to the same relationship with the same arse.

Annie yes it is the same guy. I'm almost ashamed to be still banging on about him so many months down the line.

Yes he did act badly last time he came to visit. (He stormed out of the pub we were in, and left me on my own. All because a guy I had been out for a drink with a few months previously- who was someone I knew years back from uni, spoke to me) In fact he was using that as an example during our fated phoncall, as to why we should cut contact. He said it made him realise he couldn't act properly around me, wtf??

How do you convince yourself that the person you love isin't actually very nice? I try and look at his behaviour rationally, and see him for what he is. But it doesn't stop me wanting to see him more than anything. I get angry, bu then I get choked with sadness that he doesn't want to see me. I really miss his family as well. He has a huge, welcoming family, whereas mine is really small, and my parent's don't seem that happy which always worries me, and is another source of stress. It was always lovely to go there at xmas, and feel so included, and 'part' of something.

I won't be movng home now. I was considering it if we could have gotton back together, but now I just feel like I don't belong here anymore. I'm moving into a flat share with my friend in Feb, so at least I won't be living on my own!

Thank you for the kind words Thompson. I'm actually wanting to train as a nurse, so making plans towards that is something to look forward to. As for NYE, part of me does just want to spend it alone. Then the other half imagines my ex, out having a good time, more than likely with his new (secret) GF, and I want to cry

Milk I have the xmas break up t shirt and like you wanted to blame myself for all of it!
It is such a hard time of year to break up when everyone is so couply, but it sounds like this guy is not the one for you!
You need to get yourself set up for the new year and fill your time. As Thompson said.
It sounds to me like you are making this guy the right one although you know in your heart of heart's he is not.
Myself I had issues about being single and made guys fit when they clearly didn't. Do you have self confidence issues ?
See the fact that your not moving home as a positive, you can reinvent yourself ( if you want to ), think of the flat share as something good, you won't be as lonely.
In the midst of all this planning , treat yourself well, indulge yourself in goodies. You are worth so much more than this !

How do you convince yourself that the person you love isin't actually very nice? I try and look at his behaviour rationally, and see him for what he is. But it doesn't stop me wanting to see him more than anything

I know exactly how you feel, - I was in love for years with a man who gradually revealed himself to be a lying, spineless, cheating, unappealing manchild. We broke up, but I still really, really missed him. I didn't miss the person he had turned out to be, - I missed the person I'd thought he was all the time we were together. I had thought he was a wonderful, caring man, who loved me and was going to spend the rest of his life with me, and it was going to be just like love is meant to be. When I think about it, I can still feel it now, - it was Jay Gatsby love. It lit my life, and it lights it still. When I'm very old, the memory of how I felt will warm my fingertips.

But it wasn't real. That man I loved never existed. It was very frustrating, - WHY couldn't he be the man I thought he was? That man was great. We would BOTH have been so much happier if that had been how he was. But he wasn't. I had made him up, projected him onto this other man, who had no idea about all this stuff that was going on in my head.

OK, make your new year's resolution to learn to love yourself. Something happened in your past to make you feel that not only are you worthless without a couple-relationship but that it's a woman's job to make all the compromises and all the effort into placating the man so he will not make her single. Your life is better without a knob like this in it, and right now you need to focus on your own life, on making it wonderful, on enjoying the freedom of being single. Because until you can be happy single, you are unlikely to find a happy couple-relationship; people (particularly women) who are desperate for couplehood frighten off the nice potential partners but are an absolute magnet for parasites and abusers.

Well said tigermoll

Jen Yes I think I do have self confidence issues. On the surface I think I'm OK. I'm (fairly attractive), well turned out, and I always make an effort to be nice, and speak to people. Underneath though I feel like I'm just not good enough, that there's something lacking in me that means I'm always going to feel/be alone.

I know it's not a rational thought process, but this time of year just makes it 100 times worse.

Tigermoll I can really identify with what you say. My ex hasen't really loved me for a long time tbh. I've just chosen to ignore it because I couldn't believe it could be true. Sadly he looks so angelic and beautiful on the outside that I somehow mixed it up with him being the same inside-foolish me!

SGB You speak sense as always. I honestly don't know where the feelings come from, my mother isin't like me at all. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I'm terrified that by the time I've worked through all my ishoos I will be too old to have a family etc. Which is all I've ever wanted really. My ex and his family were the closet thing I've ever had to a big, loving, 'normal' family. I miss them so much it's unreal. Just want to survive throught the next few days, and get back to London away from it all.

I'm really angry that me ex got in touch after I sent that email as well. I even asked him not to reply. If he hadn't then I wouldn't have gotton my hopes up that he would ask to see me over hols. Now it's like getting slapped in the face all over again. The lack of a Happy birthday greeting was especially hard. I honestly thought he would get in touch.

He clearly doesn't want me, so I have to move on somehow. Wish it was January 2nd, and all the forced celebration was behind me.

Milk a new year is dawning! Time to take a good look in the mirror and learn to love yourself! Sometimes it is good to be single for a tim because then you are much surer of who you are and what you want! We as women don't have to do all the comprimising !
You are worth ten of this man! Chin up ! Be good to yourslef in the next few days, this time will pass.

{hugs}

Jen You are 100% right of course, and I am trying.

Today has been a rubbish day though. I'm staying with parents, and we had to have one of the dogs put down earlier today. Really upsetting, and mam is totally cut up about it.

Then my newly married friend text to tell me she is pregnant. I'm happy for her but so hideously jealous aswell. I have nobody, not even anyone to spend New Years eve with. I keep wanting to ring my ex, but then I have to remind myself he doesn't want me. I'm 33, and no closer to having a familly than I was 10 years ago. I've let my best chance slip through my fingers like an idiot. I know I'm never going to have children of my own, I just know it.

All very self pitying. Wish I could go to sleep for 48 hours.

Please use this as a way of stripping him from your bones - he doesn't and has never loved you the way you deserve.

Throw yourself into your new life in London. You can finally cut those strings, stop letting yourself fall back into something unsatisfactory. If you had really loved him, you would not have been hankering over something else.

Let it go, let it all go. Find the new you.

Sorry you are having a bad time, but remember that this man was not your 'best chance' - you will find someone who does deserve you.

33 is young, even if you don't feel it. Don't think about the future - think about yourself and where you are right now. We create so much misery for ourselves by obsessing about the past and the future... the joke is we have no control over either.

Are you a creative person? (You're def a good writer.) Even if you think you aren't, perhaps pick up a pen and paper and write something. Something about yourself, where you come from, who you really are. Even some wanky-sounding poetry. Everything needs a first draft and often when you're miserable, beautiful & bittersweet things can pour out quite unexpectedly.

Or draw something, or sit down at the piano (if you/parents have one) and try to learn or write a new piece.

These are things that have helped me through bad times in the past. If nothing else, the effort of creativity made me tired enough to sleep.

Thinking of you!

"How do you convince yourself that the person you love isin't actually very nice? I try and look at his behaviour rationally, and see him for what he is. But it doesn't stop me wanting to see him more than anything."

I don't know the answer to that one, but I'm watching this thread with interest because I'm in a similar place right now. All I can say is, time seems to help, and massive warmth to you because it's an incredibly difficult experience to go through. You'll get through this and it will make you a lot stronger :)

Take a look at the baggage reclaim site. Lots of good advice to get you through.