New baby and relationship (sorry-long)

[junsab]

My DH have a 12 week old son-our first. I have struggled from the get-go despite having a lot of family support. I stayed with my family for 6 weeks and even after coming home we see both our families often-at least once or twice a week. Everyone is really helpful and always takes DS when I need a break or sleep etc.

I'm giving a lot of set up beforehand because I wonder if I am taking the piss considering so many on mn don't have similar support

Anyway despite all this I think I have PND. I find being at home taking care of DS exhausting and soul destroying sometimes. I'm constantly tired and stressed. I cry a lot. I panic. I get hysterical. When DH cones home from work I just unload all of this onto him. We don't really have much of a relationship anymore. All our conversations revolve around the baby. It feels like 2 roommates who have a baby. We haven't had sex yet and actually haven't since I was 7 months pregnant. It's almost as though we've forgotten how to be intimate with each other. Is this normal?

Till now he has been very supportive. He's a good dad and always shares responsibility equally when at home. He takes care of DS on weekends and gives me a break. He listens to my breakdowns and comforts me. But we don't behave like a husband and wife. Just two people sharing s job

However we argue a lot. I'm constantly feeling angry and resentful at him and nag. I tell him he's not doing things right or I'm not happy with the way he dies things when it comes to DS. I feel like I'm pushing him away

A few days ago we argued and he got angry for the first time and said I needed to get a grip and control my emotions. I needed to have faith that things would get better with DS and stop being so ungrateful as he was born healthy when so many are not. I think ultimately he's right but it stung a lot. I feel like all those times he was supportive and listened he was really thinking I should get a grip. I also don't feel he believes I have PND

I just don't know how I feel any more. I miss my DH and I miss my relationship. How do I get things back on track. Is this what happens when you have a baby?

Sorry I've just rambled

A few days ago

Sorry ignore last line

Sorry to dripfeed but the reason he got angry was because I said (in the midst of a breakdown) that I wished I'd never had a baby. Awful I know...I deserved everything he said really. I feel like such a crap mother to have even thought it

Try not to worry so much about your reationship. What you are going through happens to most couples after having a baby. A baby is the most draining work you will both ever do and sometimes the relationship needs to sit on the back burner for a while.

It does sound like you could have PND though so you should go and discuss this with your GP.

That is kind of what happens when you have a baby -yes, shades of that any way
12 weeks is still really wee and I think it is completely normal to not have had sex yet. It is also completely normal to not have a clue what you are doing. It is normal to have disagreements with your partner, you are both finding your way as parents.

Don't feel Luke it will stay like this forever. 12 weeks really is very early on, and things will change

Please speak to your GOD or health visitor about your PND. you can get help, so that you won't feel so overwhelmed by it all

Be kind to yourself. It is hard being a new mum and PND is really debilitating

Good luck x

Oh blimey, don't talk to God, he doesn't have a prescription pad I don't think. Speak to your GP

On phone-sorry x

Sometimes people feel that the cold hard facts can be the best way to bring you round. Your DH sounds like he's trying but running out of ideas. He wants you to snap out of it and he's right to feel grateful that you have a healthy baby. Personally I think we ask too much of our partners sometimes, time for you to do your bit and get to the GP.

FWIW, our DD is 9 mo, we stopped being a couple and were just parents for about 6 months. It really is tiring but it will return in time.

If you have PND, which you may do by the sound of it, you need help from your GP. PND will not get better on its own and it is not a matter of you 'getting a grip' or being 'grateful that you have a healthy baby and a lot of support'.
PND is a hormonal problem that is beyond your control and in no way your fault. It is nothing to be ashamed of and will not get you labelled an unfit mother or anything. Help is out there, do go and ask for it, best of luck.

Do not expect too much of yourself. It takes a long time to heal, both physically and mentally after giving birth, particularly when it is your first baby. It is normal to have a period of readjustment; it will take longer than 12 weeks to establish your new family dynamics, and your hormones will also take a while to settle following the birth. Most new mothers feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of a new baby. Good luck with it!

I think a lot of what you describe is normal at 12 weeks, but some of it does sound a little extreme considering you have a fair amount of support and breaks for sleep, etc.

PND is really common and not your fault. Get to the GP right away.

This may sound pessimistic but in terms of your relationship, honestly, just try to get through this phase in one piece without killing each other. It's just temporary, if you can get through this bit then you will have plenty of time to rebuild what you have. I honestly thought me and DH might split up, things were so tough for us, but we hung in there and things got back to normal eventually. It will get better!!

Thanks for all the responses

Yes I'm seeing someone about the PND next week. I know it's normal to feel a little overwhelmed but I think this is more than that
From the responsesI suppose it is normal though for your relationship to suffer. I just hope it is indeed only temporary

I am wondering if you have too many people interfering and telling you how it should be done rather than leaving you to get on with it helping. You don't seem to have any period of calm with just you, your DH and bubs.

The lack of sex seems perfectly normal to me. Have you told DH if you want to jump him? He sounds like a good one involved with the baby and giving you all the space you need rather than humping your leg like a randy dog because he hasn't had sex for a few months and that you are mistreating him by not putting out despite just having had a baby

You are both going to be tired, stressed and adjusting. It will get better eventually

You are doing the best thing getting yourself off to your GP.

Yep, you need to see someone about pnd. Your partner should probably come with you too if he can so your GP can explain to him that depression is a real, physical illness, not just 'feeling sad' which is what some people still think. Don't feel guilty about having so much support, it's great that you have that and it will help a lot when you are feeling better from the depression- ideally everyone would have supportive families/friends nearby! TBH in most ways your partner sounds lovely so do try to work on the relationship (making time for you guys to spend together, without the baby or when baby's sleeping, not necessarily for sex but just to relax together) and hopefully he will learn about depression rather than blaming you- my ex was crap about depression but then he also wasn't very helpful with the baby so yours is showing more signs of being a good guy.

I'm where you are, my DS is 18 weeks, I get almost unlimited support from my DM and PIL (DH not so much) but I spend a lot of my time crying, feeling stressed and unable to cope and have been suffering from panic attacks, DH retreats to his computer as soon as he gets home so our relationship is non-existant ATM.

I have tried to to talk to to family but the response is "you get all this help/you dont have to worry about money or work/I had 2 kids in a year and I didnt get PND/but your DS is fine now (I had a problem pregnancy)" not remotely helpful! PND is a very real and thankfully my HV is fantastic and has referred me for help, dont be ashamed and dont take what family/friends tell you you should be thinking, get help, good luck.