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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to vent

14 replies

RebeccaDanvers · 29/12/2011 21:13

Sorry -it's a MIL thread.

She's nice - she really is. And I feel SOO guilty moaning about her as DH loves her dearly and would be heartbroken. But...

She rarely visits us (she lives 30 mins away) but she seems to have taken more interest since DD2 was born (DD1 is 2).

I find myself getting wound up prior to her visits because she has SO much unsolicited advice to dispense. She gives her opinion on everything I do, whether it relates to the children or the house, and it drives me up the wall as I just don't get the same barrage of opinions from my own mum. Amongst other things, I've been instructed to:

  • Keep my pushchair in the conservatory, not the front porch as it needs to be warm
  • Make sure the upstairs windows are unlocked at all times in case of fire and keep their keys beside them (because she accidentally locked her window when she pressed the button on the handle, so assumed I kept them locked)
  • Get a washing line because I shouldn't be drying my clothes inside
  • Make sure I don't mislay my house keys (?! - she said this when she saw them in the hall - no other apparent reason)
  • Get a nappy bin to keep outside the back door

It's all said very nicely, and I know she thinks she's helping, but honestly, I've always prided myself on my common sense but she seems to think I have none. I just find the whole concept of going to someone's house to dish out instructions a bit odd. I just wouldn't dream of it.

The first thing she said when she turned up the other day was "Oh, your house is becoming overrun with toys." Well, it was Christmas... Good job I don't nip, round to hers to point out how it's overrun with random shit and nik naks, isn't it?!

Please, just tell me this is normal MIL behaviour and I should just respect her and stop being a spoilt brat. Otherwise the alternative is to address it, and I'm no good at confrontation.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 29/12/2011 21:18

haha! sorryi've noadvice. ive just started a threadmoaning about my own mum. maybe its just xmas???! hope someone can help you feel better xx

Original poster
RebeccaDanvers · 29/12/2011 21:19

Will have a read of yours!

OP posts:
itsxmascryingagain · 29/12/2011 21:22

Hello, I wouldn't say it's just normal mil behaviour but there is a type that dispenses good and well intentioned advice at every opportunity, mostly unsolicited. I work with one such (she actually works for me) but I find I am being given her advice regularly and she thinks she should also give this out to my team. Subjects covered recently include mortgage advice, depression and medication, marital, health etc etc. Funnily enough, her own life is a bit a of a mess so why I or anyone in my team would think she is a wise old sage is beyond me - bless her!! Because of my professional relationship with her, I can politely tell her to butt out but it actually just who she is!

In your situation, to ensure that no bad feelings spoil your relationship, I personally would just let it go in one ear and make sure it flows straight out the other one whilst looking mildly interested. She sounds harmless enough!

GTbaby · 29/12/2011 21:27

i read this and laughed as it reminded me of the advice i was given today.

i live with my mil Shock and she often gives me random advice on every aspect of my life.

today - i must ensure i unrole socks before i put them in the washing machine. other wise it might get stuck in the pipe [???]. i have no idea what pipe however just said ok and carried on as its best not to get her into a conversation about these things... she then proceeded to watch me through the glass kitchen door, thinking i couldn't see her.

Original poster
RebeccaDanvers · 30/12/2011 04:37

Thanks for the replies.

GT that's very funny! Mine is the same in that it's best not to get into a conversation with her when she's dishing out the silly advice. She tends to then force her point and doesn't seem to back down until she's hammered it into you.

Don't get me wrong - I don't ignore everything she says because it comes from her. If she says anything useful I take it on board with gratitude.

I admire those who can let it go in one ear and out the other but I tend to stew, as I don't want her thinking she is within her rights to bark out orders to me. It makes me feel suffocated when she's here and resentful when she's gone.

Plus her idea of "helping" means simple things take three times as long because she faffs so much and gets under my feet. I even find myself explaining everything I do because I know she'll question it eventually anyway! I completely lose my confidence when she's about.

OP posts:
SittingBull · 30/12/2011 06:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RebeccaDanvers · 30/12/2011 06:48

Thanks Sitting - I know she's well meaning and I'm over-sensitive. I just feel a bit undermined/ patronised I suppose, as I manage to cope with life fairly well when she's not there!

OP posts:
SittingBull · 30/12/2011 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

venusandmars · 30/12/2011 08:32

I have a friend who is like this, and I used to perceive it as her judging me and thinking that I needed advice. It used to upset me, and because I was feeling a bit vulnerable I used to worry that it reflected what she thought of me. But when I see her doing this with other people, I can see that it is just her way of being - she does not filter her thoughts they just come right out of her mouth in a stream of chatter. She 'advises' another friend who is professional chef on cooking, and offers her random thoughts on child-rearing to neighbour who is a child psychologist. None of it is done with malice, it is just how she engages mentally with whatever she sees going on around her. It would be nice if sometimes she kept her random thoughts to herself, but she doesn't so I just nod and smile and let it pass.

WitchOfEndor · 30/12/2011 10:34

I'm the other way round. MIL (who lives locally) is helpful but never pokes her nose in. My DM on the other hand has advice about everything but since she lives 300 miles away and we see her every couple of months I manage to smile and nod through most of her advice!

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2011 11:26

Blimey!
She should be shot!

Seriously. Why does it wind you up so much? Take what makes sense and ignore the rest.

Or ask her to stop. Which will probably result in a world of hurt unless she really is doing it to be malicious.
Especially as according to you her visits are 'rare'.

Do you not think you may be overreacting just a little?

pictish · 30/12/2011 11:36

I think it's a case of smile and nod isn't it?

Wait till WE are all mils and grandmothers....we will no doubt think of our kids and their spouses as wet behind the ears, and in need of a few pointers. Whether we express that or not is another matter... but we will think it!

Smile and nod, smile and nod....then carry on as you see fit. You really don't need to get in a fankle over this....it's what a lot of mums and mils do. x

Anniegetyourgun · 30/12/2011 11:38

Oh God - I'm one of those Blush

GTbaby · 31/12/2011 01:54

Today's advice (her and fil are goin away for a while) I must lock the door and set the alarm when I go out. As burglars could break in.

I have been living here for over a year. And have never forgotten to do this. But a reminder non the less Wink.

Also I must clean the kitchen work tops regularly. Otherwise mice will smell the crumbs and get in. Now sensible advice I think. However she has previously complained that I clean the kitchen to often (I hate crumbs and will wipe down worktops several times while in kitchen).

I could write a book!

Smile and nod. Smile at the very least with the thought of 'at least she doesn't live here'

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