How much longer... a tired marriage

[HotintheCity]

My first post, have posted sometime back on another name but must hide (you will see). Warning - long post.

Been married 6 years together 7. I'm in my early 30s hubby 6 years older. I am so bored with 'us'. All we do is sit in front of telly, most evenings and weekends unless i make an effort to plan an entire trip. I ask him for ideas, he never has any or doesnt care what we're doing. Our sex life is non-existent for about 3 years or so and was quite poor before that, although was good in the early stages of relationship. I think it went downhill soon after marriage. We have no friends and dont hang out with people. He wont cultivate any and quite judgemental about the ones i try with.

He hates his profession but is good at it. He's not worked for 3 years 'because of the recession' although i know that's only half the story - he hasnt tried hard enough. The last straw for me was that he got a job, but it had a couple of difficult people (in his opinion, i think it wasnt that bad) and he gave it up. Yes seriously! This has made me lose respect for him as a person.

He doesnt do much around the house unless i ask and/or pester him. I do most of the cleaning and cooking and he wont let me get a cleaner because 'its money down the drain and we can do it' (hello! but you arent doing it buddy i am!

He is also a very negative person and brings me down all the time with this attitude. Not saying negative things to me, infact he is always positive and complimentary about me and my looks (i have weight issues). Even when we got married, i know i wasnt in love with him. I love and adore him, much like a good friend and i am protective of him. But not in a romantice way. I thought i would be safe in the hands of a good and kind man and love and passion will not make or keep a marriage. But i've come to realise you do need some of that.

I feel bored and trapped and have lost myself and what i could be. Recently have come to have a crush on a collegue and realise he feels the same way. I will not cheat and dont even know if this crush will amount to anything, but has given me hope and hope of potential life out there for me to live, and not merely exist.

All your wise advise and chiding is welcome and will be appreciated. As i said i've no friends i can discuss this with.

ps. that i too have no real friends is not totally his fault i realise. i just give up too easily as i get frustrated with his attitude towards them. which puts in me the wrong and not trying hard enough myself.

I think you need to think about whether you want to stay married or not. If you don't, you need to separate sooner rather than later.

If you want to make it work, he needs to want that too. And you need to completely stop any contact with your colleague

Would he try relationship counselling? You can't carry on the way you are so if not maybe it's time to leave. Hope you can find a way to be happy.

It's astonishing that he gave up the job when he was so long without one. Is he suffering from depression? That apathy, negativity and the avoidance of anything demanding sounds like depression. If so, he should see his GP.

Your colleague is a red herring, as you know, holding out the promise of excitement.

It would be good to make sure you have other sources of positive enjoyment in your life, and not expect your dh to make you feel stimulated. Why are you personally sitting in front of the telly every evening? There must be things you can go out to do - e.g. find a new hobby, join an evening class, go swimming.

If you don't have any kids then I would just end it now.

It sounds dead in the water to me.

If you have no children together, then seriously, you need to leave each other as friends before you end up hating each other.

Marrying for financial security or just because its better than no-one at all is not fair on either of you. You are living half a life, and it is better to set yourselves free now and give both of you the chance to meet people who will truly love you for who you are, not what you can provide.

he is possibly depressed - gosh, all his negativity get me down cant imagine inside his head. The lost respect is the last thing for me, i was prepared to put up with him otherwise as he is quite funny. much like the miserable jack dee!

and the feeling of wanting to be in love with someone who is in love with me is so tempting....

the crush is a red herring definitely, it just shows possibility. i dont want to necessarily have a relationship with him, i dont even know him that well. btw, cant respond quickly cos....we're sat here together. again. cant wait to go to work!

He could be depressed. You mentioned that he hates his profession, and when you consider what a large part of one?s life is taken up with work it can?t be much fun, so no wonder he uses the recession as an excuse not to have to do it. If he?s depressed he will be negative and have little get up and go too, so perhaps ask him if he?s OK/happy with his life?

well, i'm in a similar profession am not ecstatic about it either! but we all have to work and live. i've told him he can do what he likes if he doenst like what he does now. surprise surprise he wasnt keen cos that is 'unrealistic'. i give up inside sometimes, but keep spirits up so he doenst feel too down....dont want to be 'kicking a dog when he's done'. i am seriously considering leaving since i lost respect but wonder if it is salvageable if he finds something else and then things in other aspects improve. also i wont leave till he gets job, or he'll lose his house as i pay the mortgage!

have thought about evening classes for me, but money is tight so that's on hold for mo.

on another note, reading about some experiences people have on here with their OHs, it is scary out there. i shudder to think of being at the receiving end of some of those w*s. hubby is a very decent man.

Even before I got to your last few paragraphs, I'd guessed there was another man in the offing. And despite what you say, I think if he made a move you would respond.

You don't explicitly say you haven't got children - but even if you haven't - try really hard to recall whether you felt this bad about him and your marriage before the crush took hold. You're probably aware that people have a tendency to re-write history if they are having, or are about to have, an affair.

If you can be sure that you have always felt this way and really didn't love him properly when you got married, then best to be brave and part as kindly and amicably as possible. It's no-one's fault; you were mismatched from the start and might hopefully both take lessons learnt into new relationships.

we dont have kids. i think i have skewed my question by mentioning the crush. the crush for me is irrelevant, the reason i mention it is because in the 7 years i've been with hubby i have not been interested in anyone nor have i thought anyone could be out there for me. the fact that i've now got a crush on someone kinds gives a notion to how bored and tired i am of our life.

charbon, i think it is a bit naughty and unfair of you to suggest i would cheat - given you dont know me...

re depression, i've asked him to see someone re his low confidence and negativity and he's refused. i know he wont go. marriage counselling he would cos i know he wouldnt want us to split. but i couldnt tell him how i feel now and then somehow make things better can i, how do i look him the eye after i've told him marriage isnt working as it is? we're good friends and very close in that sense, i would feel as though i am betraying him. i've wanted to see a movie and a play (specifically mentioned them to him) for a while, he keept asking me what i want for x-mas, i said doesnt have to be expensive at all just get me what you think or know i'd love. he kept asking all the time, i just said i didnt want anything. he doenst do anything nice for my b'day or our anniversary - i book nice restaurants for his b'days and! my b'day and our anniversary. this year i asked him to do the anniversary as he's not workings he forgot. then i had to say i will try to call them, didnt offer to do it himself even then. they were full, i didnt bother then.

sorry for the grammar and typos - that was awful.

I think you have two choices, and if you decide to stay then it is essential for you to cultivate outside interests and friends. My parents 59 year marriage wouldn't have survived had my mum not worked and gone out most week nights to choir, swimming, meetings, theatre etc. My dad is hard work to be with! You could try that before giving it all up. You can do stuff that doesn't require much in the way of funds, just a willingness to get out of the house and do something.

Incidentally even though DH and myself are very well matched and love to be together, we still need our own time and interests eg gym, swimming etc

Funnys - that is a good point.

i guess i am also wondering if i am being a whinging child and being unhappy with my lot, grass being greener - while what i have is good in the scheme of things. perhaps views from experiences you've had whether i can take care of my life making changes to it and he will follow or if i'm still down then talk to him/leave?

just that i've not spoken with real life friends or family about this - dont want to and dont have any! so looking for your guidance.

I'm sorry you think I was naughty, but to explain:

I don't get all "fire, hell and brimstone" at people who feel tempted by others. I think it's when people think they are completely immune to all that and never would, that it's more likely that they will - that's all.

You've said that your crush is reciprocated, so I don't think it's to much of a leap to think you might respond if an approach is made. In fact if you acknowledge that you even might you could step away.

I think you're settling. If you're certain that you've never been in love with him, have lost respect for him and have had no proper sex for 3 years and you haven't got children, then it's really difficult to see what this relationship holds for you, over being single. You both deserve the chance to be happy on your own or with someone who respects and loves you properly, don't you?

I agree with that last bit of Charbon's. Also, maybe I'm a cynical old git but your OP just read to me like your DH is basically using you as a meal ticket. He doesn't work. He won't work even when he can. He doesn't do the housework to make up for it. You don't have kids so it's not like he's looking after them. He doesn't even think to do nice things for you or with you.

In return, you get to work full time, spend half your income supporting him and get bored shitless in front of the telly every night.

I would only take the sympathy for his state of mind so far, personally.

Bloody hell, make your new year's resolution to bin this parasite of a man. By good, kind and decent you mean 'Well at least he doesn't beat me up', by the sound of it (abuse issues in the past by any chance?) You do all the wage-earning and all the domestic work while he sits there like a big pudding? WHY are you putting up with it when you don't have DC? It's perfectly all right to be single, you know. A man doesn't have to be a violent alcoholic thief to be worthy of dumping. It sounds like you have given him a lot of support and tried to help him feel better but he is resisting any attempt at change. You are not, actually, responsible for the wellbeing of an adult who will make no effort to help himself.

Thank you so much for your time and adivce. I am certain of what i need to do this new year. I intend to change my own life, then speak with him to get him on board. If things dont change for me (my feelings for him) and for him i will leave.

Charbon, you're right i could easily fall into passionate arms but i have too much respect for myself to cheat and (despite 3 years of no sex) not desperate for it.

Dont get me wrong, he hates what he does but it pays well and he has done well for himself, although he wont survive without cash inflow. When we got together i didnt have much of an income but was in the process of qualifying..... Dont have kids cos we cant afford them now! but i also seriously think he will be absolutely useless when i am pregnant. May help with the kids, but who knows !

Talk soon. There is never a good time. Say everything you want to say, the good and the bad. If there is no willingness to work at it, go. It will be painful for you both, but may be the making of you and him.

Hot,

Do not have children by this man; a disinterested husband will not somehow become a good father when children arrive.

My guess is that he is at heart not interested in the marriage and is more than happy to stay within this because he gets what he wants from it i.e an easy life with you doing all the work to maintain this failing marriage.

What do you get out of this relationship now; what has kept you within this for the last few years?.

He is not your project to rescue and or save from himself; why did you marry such a man who is seemingly more than happy to use you as a meal ticket?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

"i couldnt tell him how i feel now and then somehow make things better can i"

I'm with Mulledmammoth here. You HAVE to speak out if there is to be any hope for your marriage. If you are constantly failing to speak out for fear of upsetting him or hurting his feelings then he has no idea what you are thinking.

Men are not psychic, in fact they often need things spelling out to them.
eg "I don't want a gift - I want to go and see that film/play as a birthday treat"

It needn't be confrontational to speak out, you can be gentle and kind even if what you are saying is difficult. But unless you do so your H has no chance of understanding your frustrations or making things better.

Would he go to relate to work on direct communication if you asked him to? The alternative is the end of your relationship.

I do speak. I've said many times that he is not demonstrative, takes nos heed! But telling him exactly what i want is taking the romance out - i may as well book the bloody things. Also, he just wont do it cos he is like that - hence my problems!

Never had an abusive relationship. He is decent as he's a caring, generous (was before the last 3 years!), honest man - doesnt cheat or play games. Is probably not a loving and passionate man, also quite selfish.

I am waiting for him to get a job so i can tell him i'm leaving, cos if i go now he wont be able to pay the mortgage and will lose the house. He was generous to me when we got together first and i dont want him to lose the house. Also, think i shuld try first, changing myself and them him. if that fails i can walk away having not given up easy.

God give me strength

Hot

What you write below is actually very concerning:-

"I am waiting for him to get a job so i can tell him i'm leaving, cos if i go now he wont be able to pay the mortgage and will lose the house. He was generous to me when we got together first and i dont want him to lose the house. Also, think i shuld try first, changing myself and them him. if that fails i can walk away having not given up easy".

He gave up on this marriage a long time ago, you're just flogging a dead horse now if you remain within this.

Too many women end up staying in unsuitable relationships for too long because of that mindset or similar to the above.

You could be waiting an awfully long time for him to get another job that he could all too easily leave and his previous history work wise is not good.

Do you feel like you owe him somehow because he was supposedly generous to you when you first got together?. Where is his consideration towards you?. Why are you so worried about him losing the house?.

It is hard enough to change any one aspect of your own character (and fwiw I don't think you can do any more than you already have done), trying to get your H to change will just not work. He has to want to change and he does not want to. Emotionally unavailable men are like that.

How is it that you ended up with an emotional unavailable man - I am wondering if your own father was the same.

Why are you acting so responsible for your H like this; he is a grown up after all. Such codependency within a relationship is unhealthy; this relationship is going nowhere and he is patently not interested. Given your posts, I am wondering why you ever married each other in the first place, you are both inherently unsuited to each other. Let each other go now and make a new life for yourself. The longer you leave a separation, the worse it will be for you.

Thanks Attila, I hear you. Because he was so very good to me in the early years I do owe it to him to save the house, as a wife and as a friend, I wont be able to live with myself if let him down on that. He's worked hard to get to where he is despite hating what he does, this means a lot to him. The entire deposit was his and i didnt even pay the mortgage when he was working.

My dad, yes was similar with my mom but doted on me, he didnt do that well in his life. I 3 men I dated before were all very passionate and i was very much in love with each (one obsessively so!), but didnt have much going for them even now. I wanted a dependable man with whom i woudnt have to worry about finances - hence hubby.

Sounds like a very depressing existence for you - believe me, single life is MUCH better than this.

I don't quite get the house thing, couldn't you sell it and divide any proceeds equitably? Or give him a few months' notice that you are moving out so that he has time to get off his arse and find a job. If he's unemployed and had no savings he'd probably get mortgage support anyway.