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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mothers and daughters (epic: apols)

36 replies

ggglimpopo · 12/01/2006 18:23

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Original poster
ggglimpopo · 12/01/2006 18:24

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starlover · 12/01/2006 18:43

hmmm well i agree MAYBE with them thinking it doesn'tm atter what they do because they know you will sort it out... but i wouldn't say that;s necessarily a bad thing!

at the same time they think that you are too strong and capable and that they will never measure up to you so there is no need to try as they will just disappoint you and themselves....

that's rubbish! i can't believe a "friend" would say something like that

Tortington · 12/01/2006 19:01

they are vile becuase

wait for it - its f*cking astounding

they are teenagers.

dont over analyse it its just the way they are - they drive you to braking point and just when you call social services to take them away they turn into saint Joseph - that was my ds

i would say make sure they have contraception - just cos you dont want it to happen doesn't mean it won't.

make sure you have happy days - go shopping etc to remind yourself that your kids are nice sometimes.

re: the make-up.

i would tell her point blank this .." here is a list of chores my love, my darling, light of my whole universe.

each job is the equivalent to an item of make up. when you have completed each job i will buy you said item of makeup and you will NEVER use mine again."

am thinking of dirty mingin things like sorting out the recylcing, putting the bins out, toilet etc.

if she says no.

tell her she is doing it anyway so she can either do it and get the make up or do it and do without.

re disrespect for your husband my tact would be this - get child in room with husband and yourself. tell husband that under pain of death he is to keep his gob shut then in your scariest mum voice - mine is very low, quiet, yet frim and ded, ded posh. i pronounce every syllable.

"How very dare you speak to SD ( step dad?) that way. your insolence and disrespect will not i repeat NOT be tolerated in this house. please remove yourself from my sight until you can behave and act like a decent human being affording your SD and myself the common decency and respect that every human being should be afforded. you shall accompany us for meals. but i would prefer if you did not converse with us as i only generally speak with people i like. Lets get things clear. i will always love you but we refuse to be treated this way. this man is my husband and you shall respect that. please go to your room."

you see what kids sometimes don't realise is that your not just their mum.

i remember the first time my husband said to my teenage son who was causing my grief " how dare you speak to MY WIFE like that"

suddenly a realisation that i had another role and if he thought he could push it becuase i was his mum. Dad certainly wasn't going to stand for it as he was disrespecting his WIFE

fuck me its a monologue.

hope this helps

bundle · 12/01/2006 19:04

f*ing brilliant custy. hope i can remember this for when my girls turn into vile teens.

gomez · 12/01/2006 19:04

A bloody spot on monologue as usual thou' Custy.

Nowt to add ggg - sorry. Your friends sound bonkers, although their comments may be viewed as back (cack) handed complements perhaps.

milkbar · 12/01/2006 19:08

Your teenagers behave the way they do because that's the way many teenage girls are. They are more swayed by thier peers than you at this age. I know because I was a vile brat of a teenager, and my poor mother had to put up with some horrendous behaviour from me. My mother was always there, loving and patient, even though she must have been really fed up with me. She was a great role model and now we have a lovely relationship. I've apologised, and she laughs: 'just you wait until your dd is a teenager'
Because you are a strong, capable woman you have set a very positive example, and when their hormones stop making them mad they'll blossom and make you proud..

JoolsToo · 12/01/2006 19:09

particularly like the 'chore' scenario

brilliant custy!

JoolsToo · 12/01/2006 19:10

oh yes, and just because your 'friends' voice an opinion doesn't make it true.

sobernow · 12/01/2006 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 12/01/2006 19:23

I don't want to read other posts because it might change what I say

just wanted to say that I think that's total bullshit to be honest.

I think they're being this foul, becaue they are teenagers and that's your job when you are teenager ... they don't think it through consciously .. they have too much ego and not enough empathy

fair enough, that's their job

sounds tough though

frogs · 12/01/2006 19:24

Custy is a genius, and almost certainly right.

However... I was pretty vile to my mum as a teenager, and probably not coincidentally she was someone who tried incredibly hard to get it right, often in ways that just wound me up more. Like you, she had had to work incredibly hard to keep the entire show on the road, and I think a corollary of that was that she did felt it was her fault when things went wrong. Perversely that made me want to be even more vile to her, because I knew I could get away with it, and that it would get to her. [sorry, mum...]

I think if she had cut up rougher in a, "I'm a human being too, I was not put here on this earth to be your little slave, and you will not treat me like something you have found on the bottom of your shoe" sort of way, it might have been a useful wakeup call to me.

I don't know you, and I do think what your friends said was unwise. But coming from what sounds like a not dissimilar family situation I read their comments as a maybe rather less helpful way to express what Custy was saying, rather than a criticism of you or your parenting skills. In the end your dd's are making a choice to be vile, it is not your fault they are like that, and you shouldn't feel you have to put up with it.

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 12/01/2006 19:30

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Original poster
ggglimpopo · 12/01/2006 19:32

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KateMossinredredskinnypants · 12/01/2006 22:29

You should put a lock on your bedroom door, and stop her getting into your bathroom.
Have dinner with DH without her, she can help herself or go hungry.
Ignore her and stop giving her any money until she asks for it, and nicely!
Make her pay for her own clothes and makeup.
Tell her to get a job.

LeftOverTurkey · 12/01/2006 22:46

This is going to sound silly, but is there space between battles for a laugh?

During a fraught car journey with my teenage boys I saw a sign for "Pissing Place" on a single track road. I got the giggles and from the amazed reaction from the boys it would seem I hadn't laughed for months. They joined in and we were all almost a normal family for at least an hour afterwards. Couldn't keep it up but made a mental not to lighten up a bit.

Though that is easier said than done if their unreasonableness is wall to wall.

jetlagdZebra · 12/01/2006 22:55

Let me get this straight, because you are a strong and capable person you have set the wrong example for your children. You should have been a wimpy doormat cowering under the duvet & fighting off agoraphobia... then your children would have to act out by being responsible & capable themselves...?

Is that right? Does this explain Britain's hooligan culture today? Adults who parent too well? Wow, someone should tell Tony Blair.

Anyway, even before I read Custy's post I was thinking ".. and after all, they are teenagers, they are supposed to be horrid and pushing every boundary in the most selfish way possible". I echo the bit about contraception, though.

PrincessPeaHead · 12/01/2006 23:05

I was completely foul and monosyllabic to my parents from the ages of - ummmm, well lets be charitable to the teenage me and say from 14 to 17 (it was, quite possibly, longer).

I had lots of friends and was nice as pie to pretty much everyone else. But the mere suggestion of anything by my mother "would you like some toast for breakfast?" I would take as an unconscionable intrusion into my life, an outrageous attempt at control, and hardly worth the effort it took to spit out "no. you KNOW I don't eat toast for breakfast"...

Foul foul foul.
Don't know how you deal with it though. Buy a calendar and cross off the days until they are 18? Send them to boarding school so you only have to deal with it in holidays?!!!!

beachyhead · 12/01/2006 23:06

My mother was very strict, but she always gave her reasons for being so.....

She basically said. you go your own way, but if you ever need me for anything, I will be there for you. So I always knew that I had a bed for the night and food and water etc.....

She basically said to me that my morals would protect me, and if they didn't....I could always look to het ie. if at a party that I didn't feel comfotable at, she would always come and get me...

Because I knew that I could always blame her (my mum doesn't let me drive with people she doesn't know) etc, I always had an excuse to fall back on.. Kind of liberal, but with an underlying support system to let me make my own judgements....

winnie · 12/01/2006 23:10

I so want to add to this thread but in my griefstricken state I have drunk to much and will just write shit!

However, dd (16) has been horrendous (she has had lots of shit to deal with too) but is now coming out of it. Boundaries help but one has to accept that teenagers will not (on the whole) conform. Contraception (definitely). keep them as safe as you possibly can without stifling them, remain constant and loving (think terrible twos) but don't beat yourself up about it!

you sound like you've been a good role model for your girls... your friends sound bitter and twisted... hold on in there; it will get better.

Friendships? Well

winnie · 12/01/2006 23:13

sorry no idea what the last bit was about. really should go to bed!

Passionflower · 12/01/2006 23:37

Very sound advice from Custy as always.

I think your friends are talking total b**locks. Do they have teenagers of their own?

Passionflower · 12/01/2006 23:44

and yes please to the cheesecake recipe

harpsichordcarrier · 12/01/2006 23:49

utter utter UTTER bullshit I'm afraid
It never ceases to amaze me how willing people seem to be to place a diagnosis on what is essentially normal behaviour. imho. people have incredibly short memories.
custy speaks tremendous sense as usual
one day you will look back and laugh.... like me and my mum who actually get on fine now
which is nothing short of a bleeding miracle

joash · 12/01/2006 23:56

Unfortunately I agree with what other people have already said - they are teenagers and that's what teenagers are like.
My eldest was so vile as a teenager that I absolutely hated her (and she hated me) - I finished up with no positive feelings towards her whatsoever.
Now - she's almost 25 and I love her to bits. We are very close, she can talk to me about anything and we even laugh about the things that she used to get up to. She has actually apologised on a number of occasions ans still can't work out why we put up with her.

makealist · 13/01/2006 00:04

Just a suggestion, I have recently read "Get out of my life- but first take me and Alex into town." (as recommended on another thread a little while ago)I have personally found that this book has helped me, it's quite a modern look at teenages and very amusing, at times I have been lol reading it,as I can relate to so much in the book. But it's food for thought and it has helped to make me see ds1 in a different light and fingers crossed, things have been a lot more easier this past week (early days, I know)