Do some people only stay together whilst the children are dependant on them?

[katkitya]

I used to think this was just an excuse but, my friend had an affair with a MM who swore that he was only with his wife as the children needed to finish their schooling in a stable home environment and that he slept in the spare room etc. I feel awful because I told her that he was probably lying. She finished and, what do you know? five years down the line he has sold the family home and moved out. Luckily friend has met someone else but, she was gutted when she found out that he actually did follow through. Ive told her that this is unusual and she is in the better position. I dont think our friendship will be the same for abit though because we all told her she was wasting her time waiting around for him

Many couples are locked in loveless marriages borne out of economic necessity and/or a desire to provide an outward display of togetherness and stability while their dc are dependent.

However, in the absence of coercion, there is no way that one person can make another do anything they don't want to do and your friend ended her affair with this particular married man of her own volition.

The fact that she found it necessary to canvass opinions suggests that she was not entirely certain that her feelings were reciprocated

Even had she kept the faith for 5 long years of waiting until he made good on his promises, there's no guarantee that the outcome would have been successful from her point of view.

In the intervening years he or she may have met significant others, or he may have reconciled with his wife. It may be that he was lying all along, and it may have been that it was only after yet another of his affairs that his wife filed for divorce and the marital home was sold.

Perhaps he is/was a serial adulterer and his wife was counting the days until their dc became fully independent? Maybe your friend would not have been enough to keep him from straying had they formed a live-in relationship?

In short, there are too many variables in this situation and, instead of feeling awful for giving her the benefit of your sensible advice when asked, you should take the view that some things happen for a reason and the reason could be that your friend may not have been able to withstand years of lonely Christmases and other celebrations while conducting a clandestine relationship with a mm.

Similarly, some things are meant to be - and your friend's continuing relationship with this mm wasn't, and isn't, one of them.

I wouldn't feel bad at all. You've got no way of knowing the truth in any case. It's possible he had yet another affair and this one prompted him to leave his wife.

If he'd been telling the truth, then why couldn't his wife have known about your friend? If their relationship was kept secret from his wife, your friend would have endured 5 more years of snatched meetings, whereas after finishing the relationship she was free to meet who she wanted, openly.

You gave advice, but she was ultimately responsible for following it.

It was her decision and I'd say it was a wise one.

My Dad waited until my sibling passed his GCSEs, had met a woman, moved into the flat my parents 'had purchased for visiting guests' and within a couple of years they were divorced.
My Mum had also met another man (who turned out to be a money grabbing cock) leaving her no entitlement to his pension...
She did however keep the family home and he is still with now wife.
I feel sorry for my sibling though as it gave them a false sense of security really..

My parents stayed together until the bitter end, I went off to Uni and was told during my first Christmas Holiday home that they were splitting. I was told not to tell my DB as it was his final year and would upset him and he may fail.

They had lives already set up, but were just living in silence with each other until my DB's graduation day. After that they moved on, mother miraculously into a relationship with a man she worked with, who moved in within weeks of the separation but claims she wasnt' seeing him before. [hmmm]

So yes it does happen, however - 5 YEARS! Was your friends to sit around and waste a life for this length of time, rather than leading a fulfilling one???

She may be sad in a grass is greener type way, but who'd know if they would have ended up together anyhow and whether they would have made it together outside the excitement of an affair?

Mine also stayed until the bitter end and it was pretty damaging. I would say it came more from my mother not wanting to give up on her marriage. I guess the difference is that some couples can pretend to the outside world and even to their children up until a certain point. Mine certainly never pretended that they felt nothing but hatred for each other. Pathetic really.