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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is the Mother the Child?

24 replies

densitysmother · 28/12/2011 22:44

I have recently moved back in with my parents after a rocky relationship, but as I have financial difficulties they have agreed to let me stay with them until April 2012 I am very grateful for this. However prior to this i was living in a hostel because of the last time they kicked me out for having a friends round to the house, nothing was broken the house was even cleaner than when they left. Historically I have been kicked out for similar events several times before firstly when i was fourteen and I had to move in with a friend. Since moving back in I have been paying rent and am not allowed a key to the house, I have to be at home for 9 o'clock at night or I'm spending the nights on a park bench. This isn't an issue during the week as I work full time and I am home for tea. My girlfriend lives out of town so i usually go down to spend the weekend with her. Now that it is the festive season she is back home from university and I am also on annual leave from work, which means I'm spending a lot of my time celebrating Christmas with her which escalates past nine o'clock so I sleep at her house as Its past curfew time, we would go to my parents house more often as they don't have a problem with my girlfriend and get on well but they won't let her sleep over and complain about making too much noise when they have gone to bed and we are up past 9. When I moved back in they said the living room is their area and they didn't want me invading it so I spend my evenings in the attic watching t.v and so on, so when my girlfriend is over we are not made welcome and sit upstairs. On one occasion I didn't tell my mum I was coming home for tea and she went mad which is fair enough but on boxing day I rang her to ask her if it was ok if me and GF could come over at about 5 for a drink, she agreed and we turned up, again feeling unwelcome in the living room while they laughed with their friends so we went to the attic as usual.

Tonight my mum left a passive aggressive facebook status saying

"The amount of P*ss someone takes could fill a ten gallon drum.... oh well its not xmas anymore so I don't have to be nice anymore do i???"

This isn't the first time shes left a status like this I have assumed it is about me, but I rang her to have it out with her and to see what it was that made her so upset. There are occasions when i come home and if she has had a bad day she will ignore me and snipe at me just to let it out i assume. When she answered the phone and i asked if she was OK and if the Facebook status was about me she replied "Probably" I asked her calmly why won't she speak to me if she is upset and that this is the main cause of our problems, one not getting a proper outlet of our anger and two not communicating which was what i was trying to achieve by ringing her she then started shouting saying I'm Selfish, and i only think about myself, and i replied saying that I am ringing to see if we can resolve the issue you are upset about, She carried on shouting and i asked her politely why is she raising her voice can you just talk to me. At this point she hung up the phone. She would not answer my calls so I left her a message on facebook saying :-

"Why can't you have a conversation with your own son, I rang to see if you were ok because i do care and if i'm obviously upsetting you i wanted to see if i could apologise you decided to shout at me rather than talk to me and when i asked calmly why are you shouting you hang up the phone, Is it any wonder why we don't see eye to eye when you won't talk to me? Why can't you communicate this is the source of all our problems and you can't face it, I give up what do you want?"

To which she replied:-

"I am sick of you treating me like your hotel owner. You are a selfish manipulative person who only cares about himself. We have hardly seen anything of you and then you just expect to waltz in here tomorrow and have your tea ready. I can bring myself to even look at you never mind speak to you."

She then went on to delete my GF and myself off of Facebook and deleted her first post. Now I have the predicament that she won't talk to me, to face this trivial problem that has now been blown out of proportion for us basically coming to Boxing Day not eating tea that was never offered to us and nothing was said on the day and as far as i was concerned it went rather well.

The dogs get treated better than i do and if we do show our face in the living room the dogs get priority on the living room sofa's and they are not moved for us leaving us to sit at the edge of the sofa or toward the back of the room at the dining table.

I feel that if she is this angry and uncompromising to speaking to me i may find myself homeless again and nowhere to go.

How do you think I can overcome this and do you think it is fair comment on my behalf?

Thanks

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2011 22:50

Is your mum on Mumsnet?

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/12/2011 22:51

It's time to become a grown up and make your own way as an adult. That way you may do as you please. Unfortunately, when you live under someone's roof you have to abide by their rules. This is not working out well for you or your parents so it's tome to go.

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2011 22:51

Can you live with your girlfriend for a while?

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/12/2011 22:52

That should be "time" not "tome".

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 22:55

You work full time.. so move out and get a room in a shared house.

SucksToBeMe · 28/12/2011 22:59

I would be interested to hear your mums version of events . You do seem to have really wound her up!

smackapacca · 28/12/2011 23:04

Mmm. Firstly perhaps stay away from fb. It never seems to help any relationship. Ever.

Secondly, I'd look to move out ASAP then you can have an adult relationship on equal terms.

Original poster

densitysmother · 28/12/2011 23:05

I am an apprentice, so I am on a low apprentice wage and cannot afford to live elsewhere. I understand the rules and abide by them, I will receive a full wage in April, so then I will be able to get my own place, at the moment there is no where I can go or afford and need to do my best to get on with my parents until then, but with her regular mood swings its like I'm constantly walking on egg shells. She complains about me never being at home but when I am there I get treated like I'm an inconvenience, thanks for your comments so far

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 23:07

How old are you?

nailak · 28/12/2011 23:09

Have you tried making an effort in the house, helping with DIY, hoovering, cleaning,.cooking etc?

Original poster

densitysmother · 28/12/2011 23:24

I'm 21 years old and yes I help around the house

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/12/2011 23:24

OP, I hear you. Unfortunately walking on eggshells is the price you are currently paying for that roof over your head. It seems very unsatisfactory so perhaps another option would be to get an evening job to help you pay rent on your own place while you complete your apprenticeship.

I also agree with the poster who recommended staying off Facebook.

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 23:46

How much would it cost to rent a room in a shared house, buy your food and pay your bills? At your age, and in your situation, you must surely have worked this out by now? You must be itching for a place of your own, however cheap and lowly. We all have to start somewhere.

You could work evenings in a bar or something to get enough to pay rent.

Smum99 · 28/12/2011 23:55

I know we don't have both sides of the story but I do feel for you. At 21 you are an adult but still making your way in the world so it's fair to still have your parents support. I can't believe any parent would willingly let a 14 year old leave home..if that was the case it would have been terrifying for you.

I'm not sure you can fix this relationship - your mum is angry and doesn't want to communicate with you and I don't think you can influence her further. April is a long time away to live like this, do you have other options, if that meant working in the evenings or weekends as well.

Do you get on with your dad? Is there any other relatives you could live with?

cityhobgoblin · 29/12/2011 00:01

OP , some MNers like to be very "robust" about young adults making their own way in the world ... you sound reasonable to me and if you are dealing with passive aggressive behaviour etc you may like to look up definitions of emotional / financial abuse and toxic parents , etc... even if the EA is really "mild" ,( everyone encounters this in family or workplace relationships and has to learn to recognise it , & how to distance themselves from others' damaging patterns of behaviour till the "perpetrator" becomes more self aware ) . You are vulnerable to homelessness due to lack of options and need support & strategies to get you through the next few months .

cityhobgoblin · 29/12/2011 00:01

Agree with Smum99

AmorYCohetes · 29/12/2011 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

densitysmother · 29/12/2011 00:16

I did live temporarily with my grandma, from finding that my key did not work and that they had changed the locks and had gone on holiday for a week. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, again for a very trivial problem inviting friends round when they were out, but i think my punishment was unfair and whilst i was living with my grandma they basically wrote me off and said to her "he's your problem now"
My Grandma agrees totally with me they just don't seem to be able to communicate or handle any form of discipline and resort to extreme measures such as kicking me out. I find it frustrating that I cannot openly talk to my parents (especially my mum) about what the problems are as they just seem to shout rather than speak. Sometimes she won't even acknowledge me when i come home from work.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/12/2011 00:32

Can you stay with your gran? You may need to accept that your parents are never going to be the people you want them to be. Check out the Stately Homes threads on Mumsnet, for advice and support with dealing with dysfunctional families.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2011 00:43

Your Mum sounds 'toxic' (it's worth reading about) and I really feel for you, it's horrible the way she is behaving.

Can you work evenings/weekends to get enough to rent a room?

Are you sure you aren't entitled to any/any other benefits? Housing benefit etc?

What if you presented yourself at your local council offices as homeless?

Mates/mates parents/Grandma's - something?

There has to be another option?

catherinea1971 · 29/12/2011 08:26

If you are on one of the apprentice schemes you will be entitled to some housing benefit as you are likely on minimum wage. Good luck.

Rikalaily · 29/12/2011 16:49

You mum sounds like a loon. If my 21 year old were living at home, they would have a key, they wouldn't be excluded from any area of the house apart from my bedroom and I would allow them to have thier bf/gf to stay over. Totally rediculous treating you like a child, the family home is the family home and as long as you are not trashing the place, helping out around the house etc then you shouldn't be treated like a lodger.

If I were you I would ask your gran if you could stay with her until April and look for my own place for after that.

MigratingCoconutsInTheNewYear · 29/12/2011 17:37

what rikalaily said.

rockofages · 29/12/2011 17:51

You sound thoughtful and want to sort this out. Your parents may be unhappy with each other or with other situations in their life making them behave irrationally - that's giving them the benefit of the doubt. You need to sort funding and become independant asap - they don't deserve you.

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